Guilt

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

This is more for the married folks on here but feel free to voice an opinion. Do you feel guilty being with someone else versus an escort?

 

I am married and have been hobbying for a few years and never been with anyone other than escorts. I feel no guilt when seeing an escort. I know that this is a professional arrangement.

 

I contrast that with a recent business trip. I was working a national convention with a women I know but don't work with. At the end of each day we decided to meet for dinner instead of going it alone. She is attractive and so naturally there was some flirting going on during dinner. The flirting intensified over the days and I sensed she was interested in this going further. Our last night I walked her to her hotel after dinner and she gave me a long hug and a kiss on the lips. I pretended not to pick up on these signals, said goodbye and walked to my hotel. She texts me 30 minutes later to ask if I want to meet her in the lobby of her hotel for drinks. I was tempted but I politely declined with an excuse so she wouldn't feel embarrassed. I felt bad as I enjoyed the attention and probably gave her the impression I was interested too. That night I thought about being with her and felt such guilt. Those feelings felt more of a betrayal to my wife than seeing an escort, as strange as that might sound. Makes me appreciate this industry all the more.

[Mikeyboy 27104]

I truly understand the difference in your mind. What we do here is purely fantasy. We get to experience the pleasures and freedom of life in a way that doesn't involve a lot of real emotional baggage.

 

It is also less likely to bite you in the ass as nobody is getting hurt. The expectations for the relationship are clearly defined.

 

I suspect however that few S.O.'s would see the distinction. (Mine definitely would not.)

[Seaniew3 340]

I'd say I wholeheartedly agree with Zeno. What keeps me from ever venturing into the realm of affairs is the realization (or maybe anticipation) that they might eventually unravel into a mess of misunderstandings and expectations. Although there's definitely a lot of fun affairs that don't end up that way, the confusion and distraction (specially if you have a demanding career) are irreconcilable with a busy goal-oriented life.

 

 

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[Ice4fun 78396]

While I think I am like most guys who are married and hobby who like to tell ourselves that our seeing a professional escort is inherently different than an affair with someone not in the business I think I know down deep that there is not really much difference... especially if it was seen from the eyes of our wives... bottom line cheating is cheating I think.

 

Now don't get me wrong I think the fact that the hobby cheating is with someone who is involved for primarily financial reasons means there is less emotional attachment which should in theory make it less of a reputation of your significant other then the development of feelings for someone in a civilian relationship but in the end I kinda think that is a distinction without any real significance except to help us with our cognitive dissonance.

 

For there to be no guilt for me there would need to be no cheating... To have no cheating my SO would need to know about my hobby activity and be ok with it... and there is little or no chance she would be OK so yeah I am a guilty cheater...

 

but you know while that is true I also strongly feel seeing ladies in the industry has been a good thing in my marriage in that it has filled a gap that is there with the lady who is and always will be the love of my life and has allowed us to continue... weird logic i know but I think each situation is different and you need to know all the details to understand the reasons why we all do this... Often at significant risk.

 

Just my Opinion

[ashleyangel4u 1341]

Firstly, ironic because I literally just had a very nice date with a man whom couldn't stop thinking of his wife! Then I see this post pop out at me lol.

 

Secondly, my opinion, is that the guilt is warranted and at best its actually endearing! I mean the fact that you care that much, and aren't just savagely looking to be with anyone other than your wife means you have a heart, and do care for your wife.

 

I do also agree, that seeing an escort is a step better than having a full out affair. Even if you do catch feelings for the escort (which should probably happen no matter what anyways), you know that in the end it is what it is. You are just meeting to enjoy each others company for a specified amount of time. Temporary.

 

Having an affair with someone other than an escort means you are committing. The emotional ties will be stronger and almost all of the time, someone wants to try to make it a real relationship - which would ultimately hurt the partner who isn't involved!

 

I have met many men and women are okay with their partner seeing an escort. Either as a couple or alone. I have had women be the arranger for the date between myself and her husband, where I've also had evenings with the couple themselves. I should say there have also been occasions where I've been more involved with the wife and the man is clearly just there to watch and not participate, be in another room, or not be present at all.

 

Everyone is different.

 

Some marriages lack a physical relationship for whatever reason. Perhaps the partner is disabled in some way, emotionally withdrawn from the idea of making love, or maybe it's just because of distance or a very busy lifestyle. For any of these reasons, I've seen people who are understating of their partners needs and are okay with them seeing an escort. They are confident in the marriage and know that whatever happens with the third party is purely physical or fantasy, nothing that can compete or interfere with deep bond that they have on their own! For these people, the sex is a completely separated issue.

 

So, I agree with how you view things. At the end of the day, an escort is providing a service for you and it's a mutual understanding from the get. With your coworker, you really have no idea how deep her attraction is to you, even if its subconscious. She could like you more and eventually become attached - which would obviously lead to disaster if you really just want to stay with your own wife!

[nntsci 11075]

A similar situation came up for me a couple years ago. A woman who was a friend told me she was attracted to me. I was in a quandary because I was attracted to her. I was reluctant to get involved with her for two reasons. (1) I valued her as a friend and didn't want a romantic entanglement to jeopardize that friendship. (2) I like my wife. Sexually my marriage is pretty stagnant, but my wife is the mother of my kids, she's a good person, we have fun together, and other then the absence of sex, I'd say we're happily married. Having an affair with that woman would have jeopardize both my marriage and my friendship.

I've been seeing escorts for 6 years now. I do not feel guilty at all about seeing escorts. I suspect my wife tacitly knows. I actually did ask her permission a few years ago, but I was joking... I wasn't really feeling guilty about thinking about that other woman either... but I did feel guilty to the other woman... I felt that I had led her on... She actually told me I had seduced her with my words... my friendship with her ended a year ago anyway, but for totally unrelated reasons -- turns out she was a nut case; quite emotionally unstable; so glad I didn't get physically or emotionally involved with her.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

You pay so that you don't have bullsiht drama blwoing up and ruining your life. Keep it that way, FFS.

Cheating with civilian pssuy will fcuk up your life.

 

As for guilt, fcuk it either way. You know what you want, so get what you want and fcuk what anyone else thinks.

[Mikeyboy 27104]

You pay so that you don't have bullsiht drama blwoing up and ruining your life. Keep it that way, FFS.

Cheating with civilian pssuy will fcuk up your life.

 

It was Charlie Sheen who said that we don't pay escorts for sex. We pay them to leave the next day. ;)

That guy still cracks me up. Lol.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

It was Charlie Sheen who said that we don't pay escorts for sex. We pay them to leave the next day. ;)

That guy still cracks me up. Lol.

 

Naww, that's just half it. We pay them to come because we couldn't get such awesome women otherwise, but having had to live with an awesome woman for a while, yeah, the other half is that they just leave and lose our number. lol

[ogreray 703]

A similar situation came up for me a couple years ago. A woman who was a friend told me she was attracted to me. I was in a quandary because I was attracted to her. I was reluctant to get involved with her for two reasons. (1) I valued her as a friend and didn't want a romantic entanglement to jeopardize that friendship. (2) I like my wife. Sexually my marriage is pretty stagnant, but my wife is the mother of my kids, she's a good person, we have fun together, and other then the absence of sex, I'd say we're happily married. Having an affair with that woman would have jeopardize both my marriage and my friendship.

I've been seeing escorts for 6 years now. I do not feel guilty at all about seeing escorts. I suspect my wife tacitly knows. I actually did ask her permission a few years ago, but I was joking... I wasn't really feeling guilty about thinking about that other woman either... but I did feel guilty to the other woman... I felt that I had led her on... She actually told me I had seduced her with my words... my friendship with her ended a year ago anyway, but for totally unrelated reasons -- turns out she was a nut case; quite emotionally unstable; so glad I didn't get physically or emotionally involved with her.

 

I'm in a similar situation to you nntsci. I love my wife and my family. I would never want to jeopardize that. But we're not very intimate. Our kids take up a lot of our time. I also suffered an injury years back that's part of my new reality. It affects my day to day living and my relationship with both my kids and my SO. For some reason, she can't grasp how much it's changed my life and it's hard for me to deal with that fact.

 

I've turned to the hobby to get a bit of intimacy that's judgement-free. I'm not really active in the hobby (2 encounters in the span of 2 years), but my first encounter was memorable. I not only had a chance to enjoy a moment, but experienced new sensations that would not have happened in my marriage. And I really lucked out for a first timer. I saw an amazing lady who was understanding and who I consider a good friend.

 

I'll never be a heavy-mileage hobbyist, but I appreciate the fact if / when I need to share a moment with someone, that respectful SPs are out there that can fill that need.

[Andee 220524]

I think you were wise in not taking things further with that woman. There is a difference between seeing a paid companion and having a tryst with someone who may or may not have expectations following the encounter which could spell bad news for you.

 

As for guilt, well, I don't feel I'm in a position to give an objective comment.

[mrgreen760 37785]

Yes, I'd be concerned if I didn't feel any.

 

Peace

MG

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Yes, I'd be concerned if I didn't feel any.

Peace

MG

 

 

It's not that hard.

[MightyPen 67414]

I guess I feel no guilt with escorts because I'm not involved emotionally... it's more of a business transaction. With an affair those are typically "of the heart" and a higher degree of betrayal. At least that's what I tell myself. I think my wife would recognize the difference but I don't really want to test that theory. LOL

If you found out tonight that your wife had been regularly sleeping with other guys for several years, and that she had lied to you about it (at very least by not telling you)... would you be okay with it if she just shrugged and assured you that she wasn't emotionally involved with any of the men?

 

It's not "emotional involvement" that makes infidelity toxic to a relationship. It's the lies; the betrayal of trust; the pain of learning that one's trusted partner could be having sex outside the relationship and keep it a secret.

 

Seeing escorts is less risky than an affair, that's true. But it's delusional to think it's not infidelity. Take responsibility for your actions by recognizing what they are, and by not diminishing its gravity or the risk to your relationship that it really represents.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

Thanks for the post, MIghtypen. Sheesh, I didn't say seeing escorts was not infidelity, I simply said I don't feel guilty seeing an escort occasionally vs feeling quite a bit of guilt should I have an affair with a "civilian". The reason is I'm not emotionally involved with escorts. That is a big difference in my books when discussing feelings of guilt within my relationship.

 

Regarding your question, would I see a difference between my wife paying escorts for sex from time to time because I could not give her enough sex in our marriage vs her saying she's been having an affair with so and so and thinks she has strong feelings and might be in love with him? Do you really need me to answer that for you? LOL

 

Sometimes lasting relationships are about finding ways to make something work that you think is worthwhile as opposed to bailing. I know my wife better than you and I'm fairly certain she would rather I be discrete with unmet needs versus telling her about my escapades over dinner. That would just make her feel inadequate about not meeting her marital requirements. Don't ask, don't tell works for us. She has my support, concern, heart, compassion and love, along with a few of my warts. That's our marriage. The fairytale many single people have for what makes a long term happy marriage is what is delusional.

[MightyPen 67414]

Regarding your question, would I see a difference between ...

I wasn't asking about degrees or difference there. I asked if you'd be okay with her sleeping with others -- paid or not -- provided there was no "emotional involvement". My point is that is it's not usually the cheater's ideas about cheating that will determine the impact on the relationship; it's the other person, the one who was lied to, who will do that.

 

Don't ask, don't tell works for us.

No; it works for you, singular. We don't know if it works for you, plural. Your wife has not been consulted.

 

That's our marriage.

No, it's your, singular, marriage. It's not your wife's. She's not aware of what her marriage is; she thinks it's some other marriage, because you haven't told her otherwise.

 

It's possible that you're right, and she's happier not knowing. It's also possible that she'd rather know so that you can both get on with more honest lives with other people. Who knows? I will point out that it's my experience that people are first-rate at rationalizing things to justify behaviour they've already decided upon.

 

Look, my only points are these: if you feel no guilt about sex outside your relationship because you don't feel attached, then that's fine. If you recognize that you're still engaging in infidelity, that's good. As long as your wife doesn't find out, things will be good. But you're putting your relationship at substantial risk, repeatedly, even if you don't think seeing escorts is a big deal. If your wife does find out, I doubt she'll be interested in whether there was emotional attachment or not, no matter how important a distinction that is for you.

 

Beyond that, it's maybe worth examining what one means by "guilt", what triggers it, what doesn't, and why.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

I wasn't asking about degrees or difference there. I asked if you'd be okay with her sleeping with others -- paid or not -- provided there was no "emotional involvement". My point is that is it's not usually the cheater's ideas about cheating that will determine the impact on the relationship; it's the other person, the one who was lied to, who will do that.

I don't do much without considering its impact. As I said earlier, I'm fairly certain my wife would not be devastated if she found out I had a "one nighter". Why? In a lengthy marriage you pick up on clues. Among other clues my wife has jokingly said before leaving on a guy trip "if you're going to get up to no good, wear a condom". I'll smile and say "don't worry, I'll wear 2". That's not permission but it tells me she understands the diff between one night and an ongoing affair with emotions involved.

 

No; it works for you, singular. We don't know if it works for you, plural. Your wife has not been consulted.

How do you know it doesn't work for us? One doesn't typically "consult" their spouse in these matters of indiscretion. I get a sense for how she will feel and act accordingly with discretion.

 

No, it's your, singular, marriage. It's not your wife's. She's not aware of what her marriage is; she thinks it's some other marriage, because you haven't told her otherwise.

I think she is aware on some level because she feels guilt about the lack of sex. Rather than feed that, I simply tell her no marriage is perfect but I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else.

 

It's possible that you're right, and she's happier not knowing. It's also possible that she'd rather know so that you can both get on with more honest lives with other people. That's naïve on many levels. Who knows? I will point out that it's my experience that people are first-rate at rationalizing things to justify behaviour they've already decided upon.

I agree, we love to rationalize and I am guilty of that but that's not all this is

Look, my only points are these: if you feel no guilt about sex outside your relationship because you don't feel attached, then that's fine. If you recognize that you're still engaging in infidelity, that's good. As long as your wife doesn't find out, things will be good. But you're putting your relationship at substantial risk, repeatedly, even if you don't think seeing escorts is a big deal. If your wife does find out, I doubt she'll be interested in whether there was emotional attachment or not, no matter how important a distinction that is for you.

This is the crux of our disagreement. If I thought for a minute I was jeopardizing my marriage I would not see the occasional escort. I know I married a great women but maybe she is rarer than I imagine.

 

Beyond that, it's maybe worth examining what one means by "guilt", what triggers it, what doesn't, and why.

 

Not sure how to quote individual statements so I just posted my response in bold text.

I'd be interested in hearing a women's perspective, even though it might be biased.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

If you're going mess civilian, prepare for the fallout. I'd say stay married and hobby! Now that I'm not married anymore, half the thrill of it is gone, which I guess is why I'm into backrooms at stripjoints now, for the thrill of getting away with things I shouldn't! ;-)