No longer happy like I once was - any advice?

[toine 30556]

I feel your pain, backrubman, and I must say that I admire your desire to be fair and good to the woman you love and for this hypothetical 'girlfriend' who would not get to have enough of you.

Your wish of staying on the right side of the law, however misguided we may think it is, is also commendable, and as you note, the consequences of getting caught straying on the wrong side could be harsher for some.

I wish I could provide advice and guidance, but I have none to offer.

 

best,

 

toine

[lee101xxx44 519]

In any commercial relationship, and I deliberately use the term relationship as opposed to transaction, people with positive reputations can generally be trusted! This provides the foundation for a safe and happy set of experiences. Good luck!!

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Why let Stephen Harper and Peter Mackay who created these contradictory laws rule your life and your happiness? You have nothing to feel bad about. As most men who are members here, they look for the most reputable ladies and at the very least try to find legitimate intel on new ones.

 

As long as no one is getting hurt or doing anything against their will, that's all that matters. Yes, the law is the law but bill C-36 is backwards in so many ways and just because a law is passed and registered on the books, it's between two consenting adults.

 

It is gentlemen such as yourself that are actually doing a favor by seeing reputable and established ladies because we lost many of you fine gentlemen when this bill came into effect. Personally I have many great clients but many left the hobby for fear of a criminal record and didn't wait to stick around to see what would transpire in the early days of C-36.

 

Perhaps leave your hobbying for when you travel and keep a safe distance when at home.

[Mikeyboy 27108]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. There are not always easy answers. The way I see it, you have four options. (Forgive me. I'm a list guy, but it is often helpful in clarifying things).

 

1. Celibacy: Not the most attractive solution to most of us, but a real option that many embrace and come to terms with. It has been said that it can even be liberating once you accept it.

 

2. The girlfriend. You have already dismissed this as an option as someone might get hurt (a real possibility) although there are those out there who might be ok with the situation if you were honest and upfront about it. That would be key. Finding them could be tricky. Keeping the 'right' amount of emotional distance could be even more so.

 

3. The hook up. Limit yourself to one night stand type situatons where there is no further expectation. Sadly not my strength but you may be better at it than me. ;) This may be an option, especially if you do go on frequent business trips. There are many websites geared toward this type of thing as well.

 

4. The sp. You have stated both moral oposition to breaking the law, as well as being concerned about the ramificatons of getting caught. Understandable of course. The morality of the hobby however, has not changed since a bunch of staunch conservitives decided to legislate the outdated values of their religious campaign contributors. I do however thoroughly understand (and worry about) the consequences of getting caught. It would be devistating for most of us.

 

The good news is that you were fortunate enough to start this hobby in a safer time. You likely have a list of ladies that you know through experience to be safe, reliable and trustworthy. You don't have to venture into the unknown and take risks seeing someone new if you don't want to.

 

None of the options are ideal of course. Number four seems the most reasonable to me, provided you do what you can to mitigate any risk. That is me however. Only you can decide which road you choose in the end.

 

Good luck.

[drlove 37202]

The good news is that you were fortunate enough to start this hobby in a safer time. You likely have a list of ladies that you know through experience to be safe, reliable and trustworthy. You don't have to venture into the unknown and take risks seeing someone new if you don't want to.

 

If I may, (and I might be completely wrong here) I'd like to venture a guess and posit the following:

 

It may be true that OP has a cache of regulars, or that he knows how to get in contact with reputable ladies which are 'new' to him. However, just 'knowing' that he is technically breaking the law is a bit of a downer, and takes a bit of the fun out of something which was once a carefree hobby. Many have said 'it's just not the same anymore', or something to that effect. As well, being on the wrong side of the law can really mess with your mind, and all sorts of negatives can creep in, even though the likelihood of them occurring are relatively slim. It's the 'what if's that really start to play on you, even if you're seeing someone reputable: "what if security or hotel staff are monitoring the hotel' or 'what if the text communication is intercepted by LE' or 'What if my nosy neighbour finds out' or 'what if the SP knocks on the wrong door' etc.. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Again, as correctly stated in a previous post, we are not the prime targets, and no one is 'out to get us' so to speak. However, that nagging little voice that says 'you've got a lot to lose' makes a lot of people think twice. It's unfortunate, and I sincerely hope the new justice Minister will look into and repeal Bill C-36, for all our sakes. Just MHO.

[Mikeyboy 27108]

If I may, (and I might be completely wrong here) I'd like to venture a guess and posit the following:

 

It may be true that OP has a cache of regulars, or that he knows how to get in contact with reputable ladies which are 'new' to him. However, just 'knowing' that he is technically breaking the law is a bit of a downer, and takes a bit of the fun out of something which was once a carefree hobby. Many have said 'it's just not the same anymore', or something to that effect. As well, being on the wrong side of the law can really mess with your mind, and all sorts of negatives can creep in, even though the likelihood of them occurring are relatively slim. It's the 'what if's that really start to play on you, even if you're seeing someone reputable: "what if security or hotel staff are monitoring the hotel' or 'what if the text communication is intercepted by LE' or 'What if my nosy neighbour finds out' or 'what if the SP knocks on the wrong door' etc.. ad infinitum, ad nauseum. Again, as correctly stated in a previous post, we are not the prime targets, and no one is 'out to get us' so to speak. However, that nagging little voice that says 'you've got a lot to lose' makes a lot of people think twice. It's unfortunate, and I sincerely hope the new justice Minister will look into and repeal Bill C-36, for all our sakes. Just MHO.

 

I certainly didn't intend to belittle that end of it in any way, and I'm very sorry if it came off that way. I understand the implications as well as any. (Even more than many.)

 

I was merely stating my own choice of the only available options as I see them. I often find when you break things down into a list of the only available options, the choice becomes clearer.

 

As with most crossroads in life, most of the options have a negative side. It's up to each of us to decide which road is best for us, and which we can or can not live with.

 

Again, my best wishes backrubman. I hope you find some happiness again.

[blacklabdog 3049]

I'll just add sometimes the pursuit of happiness does involve some risk

[waterat 20911]

@blacklabdog: I agree with your comment and so does John Prine

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6MOotwYimY

[blacklabdog 3049]

this thread makes me wonder how much Bill C36 has affected demand. I joined Lyla last year so I dont really count

[OceanMassage 5357]

This is a beautiful thread i will get back to when I can read all the contributions on a bigger screen than my iPhone but one thing I always say to people who sacrifice themselves for their kids or their loved ones: be happy. Do everything in your power to do the things that make you happy. We do not always "feel " happy but if we think we are and make it our project to think that we are and find ways to nurture it.

 

This is important because we are better spouses or parents when we are happy. We teach our kids to love themselves in a non egoistic way when we truly are happy.

 

A big element that brings happiness is growing. In your actual situation, you feel stuck. So you don't feel progress, growth.

Your wife certainly can feel that you lost your sparkle. She seems a beautiful and intuitive being. Her "permission" to you is the only way she can feel that she's giving you of herself on that plane. If you don't make it your point to be happy, she wont feel she can make you happy and it will damper her own sense of accomplishment and growth.

 

 

 

My happiness project by Gretchen Rubin is a great essay full of facts, research and common sense about becoming skilled at being happy.

[Phaedrus 209521]

I certainly get what folks are saying about not agreeing with the law. The Supreme Court strikes down a law only to have the government thumb its collective nose at the highest Court in the land by replacing it with something that is even worse for everyone and much more deserving of being repealed. I obviously do not agree with it but it still leaves the moral dilemma of making a conscious choice to engage in what is now (and never was before) criminal activity.

 

I think this is the root of your problem. I get the impression that you consider compliance with the law to be a moral issue. I strongly disagree with this. While I'm sure we'd all like to live in a world where the law of the land and our own moral compass were in perfect alignment, that'll never be the case. When it comes to this sort of thing I'm more than happy to treat the law with the contempt it so richly deserves and back my own judgement of what's immoral and what isn't.

 

As for getting caught... call me complacent, but it's not something that I'd consider high risk. I know that you know more than enough about online security and anonymity to be safe enough from that point of view, and I don't doubt you can anonymously pick up a burner cellphone too. That's enough to make exposing you... not impossible, but certainly a task that would take significant time and effort. If a provider is compromised by LE, or something's picked up by a Stingray-like device or an online trawl... well, that exposes your burner cellphone number and online profile, which don't easily lead back to your real-life self.

 

Unless you have powerful enemies who are dedicated to exposing you, I'd argue that this makes the chances of that vanishingly small. I have never had the impression that LE are willing to put much effort into finding clients; while they may go so far as to put someone on a street corner in a short skirt or post an ad on BP, that seems to be about the limit, from what I can see - anyone who sticks to well-established/reviewed providers and tends to repeat with people they've already met simply isn't going to get caught up in something like that. This will also keep you away from any trafficking victims, whose clients are also likely to be pursued more vigorously.

 

None of this makes you invulnerable; it's simply a matter of not being the low-hanging fruit.

 

In summary: stop worrying, and start enjoying yourself again :)

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

I've been away and just read your thread. I see a lot of similarities in our situations.

 

I've looked at the girlfriend option as well and you are right, feelings usually develop. If your wife is like mine, the permission is for sex, not emotional attachment.

 

That leaves you typically with a professional arrangement if you decide to step outside the marriage. You have to decide how much risk you will accept to get the benefit you want. Risk is everywhere but I'm sure you know how to mitigate it. In the end only you can decide if it's worth pursuing but personally speaking, I wouldn't be too worried. Have fun! Just be careful. All the best.

[drlove 37202]

...She did point out something I hadn't thought of, many of her clients feel that in posting a recommendation they are confessing to illegal activity so they will no longer do that.

 

Recommendations are simply great literary works of fiction, my friend!