Different expectations ... What's the right way to handle the situation?

[Guest]

Sorry to hear about this Isabella but I had something like that happen to me long story short her pictures were all 100% fake of course I was mad so I left if she asked for her money I would of said no just my 2 cents.

[pipercub 795]

Having had the wonderful oppertunity to have spent time with you I know that your pictures are accurate. Not only are you beautiful but a real caring and affectionate woman as well. This man's behavior is NOT acceptable under any circumstances and especially with you.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

Isabella --

 

Really sorry to hear this happened. I am not approving of his behaviour (nor apparently did he since he called to apologize), and if that happened to me, I would likely offer the full contribution. I cant imagine ever physically pushing anyone ... that's really bad. And I agree with your advice to this guy ... geez, this is suppossed to be fun, and if he's that nervous, maybe he needs to re-consider his hobbying activities.

 

Lets assume for the moment that this guy sincerely was expecting something else, and that it happened within the first few minutes of the visit before any "activity" started. Its a bit different as this was an incall, but there are a lot of postings about outcalls where ladies show up and are rejected, for whatever reason, and the guys offer a portion of the fee for the ladies efforts. That seems to be somewhat diplomatic if not perfectly acceptable to either party. Just something to maybe think about that in a situation like that.

 

Issy, I think its something that you can also directly address on your website, one way or the other, and I know that some of the ladies here have done that ... just cant think of any off the top of my head.

[Guest S**a*Q]

Well this situation just sucks but I personally don't think you should've asked for the whole donation... Wouldn't just a cancellation fee have sufficed?

 

Also, coming from a retail management standpoint, you shouldn't have put yourself between him and the door. I used to teach staff that if someone takes something from the store, let them go, don't chase them or try to stop them. You put yourself at risk for what? A couple bucks? He pushed you cause he had no choice. You were blocking his way out. I'm not condoning that he touched you, however if you trap an animal, they may attack.

 

I get that this was upsetting for you, I'm sorry that you had to go through it. A lot of things could have been running through his head, guilt, nerves... maybe he just couldn't do it, so he chose that reason to tell you he couldn't stay. It may have had nothing to do with you in particular but he needed a reason to leave.

 

All in all, I think a cancellation fee should have been paid by the gent and obviously Isa shouldn't have been manhandled.

[ottawaadventurer 5114]

Not a fun situation - my apologies.

 

I have to say that my thoughts immediately went to mental illness. In this industry, like any other, a certain percentage of your clients will be unstable. It's just a statistical reality. All the screening in the world will never identify all potential problems.

 

This man may well have issues beyond his control. It's not an excuse, it's an possible explanation. And in those cases I think that the only factor at play should become your safety. Money is important but your life is far more important.

 

Impulse control disorders are very common - much like what Sara identified as caging an animal. And there are no other symptoms - seeming normal people who behave atypically under duress.

 

Blocking the door would trigger a more intense reaction for sure.

 

My advice is to be thankful nothing more physical happened and chalk it up to bad luck.

 

If I'm wrong, the guy was just not appropriate. Either way, I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.

 

In so sorry this happened to you regardless of the ultimate cause. Not fair, not fun.

[roamingguy 300291]

Sorry you went through this Isabella. You don't (nor does any lady) deserve to be treated that way

I too have been fortunate enough to spend time with you and enjoy your companionship. Your photos are 100% accurate and just a gleaning of your posts gives an insight of the type of lady you are

No excuse for a man to put his hands on you (or any lady) in a physically threatening way, nor to turn around and leave without at least offering some compensation...you set up a certain time to see him, time you could have used to see a gentleman instead. It seems lost on some (not all) guys, but as pleasurable and enjoyable an escape it is for us, it is the ladies' livelihood, it pays their bills, rent, car payments etc etc etc

No excuse for his actions.

I'm just glad you are ok

Take care

RG

[mrrnice2 157005]

If I can contain myself to the topic of expectations, I have my own views on this which might vary from the norm - I am unsure. This contribution could equally well go into the current thread about cancellation fees.

If ever I felt uncomfortable that I was not with the 'right' person then I would very apologetically explain and excuse myself. I would also like that to be the case if the woman felt uncomfortable. Any intimate sort of encounter for me must have that mutual feeling of respect and personal enjoyment of each others company. That is why I read, I write, I communicate ahead of time, and thus far it has never been an issue, nor do I ever anticipate that it will be.

That brings us then to the question of the donation.

Over and over I read here that the donation is for time and companionship and that anything else beyond that is mutually agreed on by the two people involved. I have gone into every single encounter with that in my mind and always with the expectation that there will be a connection, but also recognizing that a connection may not always be there.

As much as it would 'hurt' to leave a donation if I walked away, it would be the right thing to do. The women that I see are running a business with its associated costs, expenses, and scheduling issues. In particular for me, I tend to see travelling SP's for whom the expenses are even higher and who will truly be taking real losses (beyond that of time alone) should I not show up or leave without giving the agreed upon donation.

A personal idiosyncrasy for me is that I tend to book appointments far in advance and also like to use an email funds transfer, far in advance. It is my silly little way of budgeting and removes that awkwardness that I always felt with the passing over of an envelope, or worse, forgetting in my nervousness that it is there in my jacket pocket! Some would say that I am too trusting or that I am opening myself up to being taken advantage of, but my trust and vibes have not let me down to this point and the women that I have seen are as respectful and honest as I.

The situation that Isabella refers to here comes to the choices that one makes in the way that you treat another person, in almost any situation. Anger, physical confrontation and those sorts of behaviours are totally inappropriate. Calm, cool and collected works even better in most situations.

I hope that I have stayed on topic, and I realize that what I would do is not appropriate for all, but for me, it is the right thing if ever the situation arises.

[Lowdark 5613]

I like to consider myself a fairly tolerant, progressive guy, but I'm about to go a litte dak ages here. There is no excuse for in the world for what this pitiful little creature did. Anyone presuming to lay their hands on you, or any lady, other than in loving tenderness, needs their fingers broken one by one. Like I said, I'm a pretty forgiving guy but I have a line that should never be crossed with no forgiveness on the other side and this useless little animal crossed it. Not only did he taint you with his filthy hands, he stole your precious time. As RG said, you could have seen someone far better than this "person" and you'll never be able to get that time back. He was in the wrong in every possible way.

 

As someone who has had the enormous privilege of meeting you, Isabella, and the greater privilege of getting to know you, please allow me to inform this particular loser of what he walked away from. Isabella is not only a beautiful woman, but she has a genuine heart that's bigger than the sky. If you are very, very lucky, not only will she welcome you into her arms and her warm embrace, but she will welcome you to become a friend, something this "person" will never deserve.

 

You did nothing wrong here Isabella. This cretin is a coward and a thief, and he deserves no forgiveness nor excuse. I apologize if I seem a little out of line, but I can forgive and empathize a lot; something like this isn't it. Any man who lays his hands on a woman, here on CERB or anywhere else, without the intent to care for or heal her (short of defending his own life) is an irrelevant waste. Having grown up on farms I can say with complete confidence that he is less than an animal.

 

And one last description of Isabella's very fine character-she is the kind of person that the Spirit of Christmas is all about-warm, generous and kind. his "person" typifies a decaying spirit that can only cause pain to those around it.

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

If someone is behaving in an inexplicable manner in an "awkward and tense environment" and wants to leave ... let them leave. A gut-level, visceral reaction to someone physically blocking an escape path is to immediately try to physically unblock it. You may be right, but who wants to be dead right?

 

Now that the stresses and heat of the moment have passed, hopefully he too will be able to soberly reflect on things, and will now offer to send you monetary compensation via electronic transfer.

 

I'm extremely sorry this happened to you, Isabella.

[Kubrickfan 12836]

Guys --

 

With respect, go back and read Isabella's message ... she's not looking for you to tell her how bad this guy's behavior was ... read her last sentence. In fact, she specifically asks that we not do that. Instead, she's looking for advice on how to manage these types of situations. In that regard, SaraMQ is right on point IMO.

[Lowdark 5613]

You are absolutely correct. And eveyone with a shred of common sense knows that the guy was wasted material. Forgive me if I used the thread to vent my own personal frustrations but I also wanted Isabella to know how highly she is regarded in case her self esteem was still wounded by this encounter. I am extemely happy she is safe and my heart goes out to her. Obviously she does not want to put herself in harm's way, and I hope she blacklisted him to protect herself and other ladies in the future (knowing how smart she is, I consider that a foregone conclusion). It's a shame that while he found enough dignity to apologize (through a PM), he didn't offer to compensate her.

 

Guys --

 

With respect, go back and read Isabella's message ... she's not looking for you to tell her how bad this guy's behavior was ... read her last sentence. In fact, she specifically asks that we not do that. Instead, she's looking for advice on how to manage these types of situations. In that regard, SaraMQ is right on point IMO.

[PistolPete 61421]

Sara and WIT summed it real well, you never should of put yourself in harms way,by blocking a path out. The monetary loss was not important, the safety of each other is, especially offering an in call! high verbal exchanges or physical contact could lead to unwanted attention especially for you. If he did not feel right,did not want to stay, he should of been allowed to leave freely to leave without any obstructions. He should however had offered a financial compensation.

[Isabella Gia (Banned) 53881]

Thank you everyone for their responses. I just have two things to clarify. I wrote I was standing 'by' the door not 'i front' of the door. I know by has different meanings and yes it was still not wise of me to stand close to the door but NOTHING unless is self defense excuses someone being violent to another person. And it would be interesting to see how others would have reacted to being humiliated like that and deceived like that. I know I acted out of impulse which is why I did not ask (or at least I don't think I did) did I react wisely? I know I didn't. My question was 'What do you think is the right thing to do in a situation like this?' meaning temper/reactions aside if a man finds the lady he arranged to meet is not what he expected. What is the right way to handle with the situation?

 

Also, without going into details I know for a fact this man has met other ladies from this site and that his nervousness was about not knowing how to handle the situation, so no guilt was involved and as my first post states his behaviour was due to him thinking I looked different.

 

And as an update I have ben contacted by him offering to make it up to me, no idea what he meant by that as I do not want any interaction with this person ever but want to point out me asking for the donation, even when I spent time getting ready, etc. was not about the money was about the principle and me wanting respect to me and my time and since he did not do this, nothing offered by him would make it up to me. I also want to make very clear I never comfronted him, my tone as I asked for my donation and my body language right until he left were never agressive and there was no physical contact from me to him.

 

One more time, I asked about how would be the right/fair thing to do in a situation like this not what I did wrong because as much as I explained it, each of you will imagine different than it really happened which means the only ones that can really know what I did wrong would be the man involved and myself and that if we remembered every sigle detail on that particular moment which I doubt is the case.

 

The main reason that made me to post this is to know what would be fair to do in order to try to avoid someone else going through what I went through not to be reminded what I did wrong so please don't get offended but that was not the intention of this thread.

[jafo105 39057]

Isabella, this reminded me of my very first encounter with an escort ten years ago. I also had very limited experience with women in the romantic sense.

(I won't bore you with the sexy details.) My first instinct was to run for the hills. But I took a deep breath and went through with the date. The whole time I imagined that any minute the police were going to kick in the door. I also envisioned her boyfriend barging in any minute. Fortunately nothing bad happened. Although, my anxiety prevented me from enjoying my time with the lady. (No happy ending)

 

Perhaps this is what was going through your client's mind?

 

This does not excuse his behavior in any way.

 

Aggressive behavior is never tolerated .

 

IMO, if a client decides to cancel the date after arriving. He should anticipate a cancellation fee of some kind.The next time he books with that SP he should be required to pay in advance. Either by credit card, or e-mail transfer.

[AndyofHalifax 15339]

Thanks for the clarifications Isabella.

 

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with you requesting compensation for the time you set aside for him. Given that he refused, it is probably best to just let him go and write it off as if he was a no show. Obviously, you would never book another appointment with him.

 

From a gentleman's perspective (clearly this guy didn't behave as a gentleman) he is certainly within his rights to leave if he is not comfortable. However, he should pay either a cancellation fee (perhaps half the booking) or the entire thing.

 

Even in the example of a bait and switch, where the lady is clearly not as advertised (which obviously doesn't apply to this situation) it is probably advisable to pay something just to end the transaction and avoid any problems.

 

Sorry for the way you were treated. That was completely unacceptable.

[PistolPete 61421]

As I said above, and you stating "having the wrong kind of attention", quoted below and if you were by the door, I don't see a need for anyone to be pushed, unless he could not get by.... that is all I'm saying.Regardless there should be no physical contact.

 

Sometimes it would be better not to get into any verbal exchanges if the guy looks like he is not settled, or is in fact very nervous, always best not to get into a verbal exchange, if your gut instinct is "this is not going work" then so be it, let him leave. I would think most guys would leave a financial fee.

 

I just hope that this thread does not get into "he said she said", the issue at hand is safety and how to handle it. My thoughts were you should followed your gut instinct and allow him to leave without any kind of exchange.

 

 

He looked at me, put his coat back on and started getting ready to leave. I stood by the door and repeated to him that I understood he wanting to leave but I needed my donation first. His reaction? He pushed me to make his way out, opened the door and not happy with that he once again repeated 'You look different' only this time in the hallway which can obviously get the wrong kind of attention.

[Andee 220524]

Since you don't show your face (and neither do I or a lot of other girls), I have heard of guys using the excuse that we are not the girl in the picture. It's kind of lame, but it does happen occasionally. In the past 6 years, I have had only one guy leave because he thought I was a cop, lol.

 

If they really don't want to stay, for whatever reason, nerves, changes their mind, etc., let them leave - let them go. It doesn't hurt to ask for a cancellation fee of say $40 or $50, but not the whole donation.

 

If they don't want to pay anything well c'est la vie. Just part of doing business. It may not be fair or right, but it does happen, and hopefully not very often.

 

I am sorry this happened to you Isa and I am glad it did not escalate to anything uglier than you described. I encourage you to let the ladies know who this gent is, so that they can be warned about him.

[roamingguy 300291]

Isabella

First, you did nothing wrong.

Second, tell the man (through pm/email) the only way to make it up to you is to reimburse you for the no show. And as jafo said, use email money transfer or credit card

Third, your call since you were there, but when he physically touched you, did you feel in any danger. If so, perhaps a warning to the other ladies. This is unacceptable behaviour, no excuses. If he would do it to one lady, he would likely do it to another lady. As a sidebar, I was ripped off, no other way to put it, to the tune of $500.00 once, but there is no way I would or could bring myself to physically assault the "lady" to get the money back. This guy showed his true colours

As for the replies in general, call it a gut level emotional first reaction reply. We like you Isabella, and don't want to see someone wrong you, or any lady for that matter. You deserve to be treated much better

RG

[mrrnice2 157005]

but want to point out me asking for the donation, even when I spent time getting ready, etc. was not about the money was about the principle and me wanting respect to me and my time and since he did not do this, nothing offered by him would make it up to me. I also want to make very clear I never comfronted him, my tone as I asked for my donation and my body language right until he left were never agressive and there was no physical contact from me to him.

 

One more time, I asked about how would be the right/fair thing to do in a situation like this.

 

 

What I wrote earlier I suppose deals more with what is right for a man on the other side of this equation.

 

In response to your question of what one should do when in this situation, I believe that you did do exactly right and was totally fair. In the moment, one has an opportunity to read body language and the messages that go along with it, and one should always err on the side of caution for your own personal safety. Personal pride and the principle of the matter are important but not as important as saftey, so from the way I understand it, you were perfect.

 

What you are doing now with this thread is also perfect as a reminder to yourself and others. Prethinking and preplanning and looking at various potential scenarios can never be overemphasized.

 

As well you write about prior communication with the person and that would be critrical for the SP I would think. Written communication can only convey so much however, but I would think that the prescreening and input from other SP's can be invaluable.

 

Anyway Isabella, not sure if this helps, but I feel that you did well under an adverse situation. Well done.

[Sensual Erin 33898]

Very well said RG, as a very respectful Gentleman. I don't like to see this thread go into "she could have done this, or avoided that." Please let's avoid what she could have done to avoid abuse? This has nothing to do with Isabella and everything to due with the client. He's the danger and do believe Isabella is courageous and strong by sharing her story. Not everyone calls out violence due to fear or retribution.

 

I know as well Isabella is a very caring, kind individual and did not deserve this under any circumstance! No excuse!

 

Additionally, Isabella has warned the other ladies. She's handled this situation with the class and dignity I admire and respect her for.

 

Isabella

First, you did nothing wrong.

Second, tell the man (through pm/email) the only way to make it up to you is to reimburse you for the no show. And as jafo said, use email money transfer or credit card

Third, your call since you were there, but when he physically touched you, did you feel in any danger. If so, perhaps a warning to the other ladies. This is unacceptable behaviour, no excuses. If he would do it to one lady, he would likely do it to another lady. As a sidebar, I was ripped off, no other way to put it, to the tune of $500.00 once, but there is no way I would or could bring myself to physically assault the "lady" to get the money back. This guy showed his true colours

As for the replies in general, call it a gut level emotional first reaction reply. We like you Isabella, and don't want to see someone wrong you, or any lady for that matter. You deserve to be treated much better

RG

[castle 38816]

I'm so sorry this happened to you Isabella...although we've never met I can tell from the few PM's we've shared that you have one of the biggest hearts and are just an absolute sweetheart. I guess all I can do is just repeat what others have said...No, I don't believe you were in the wrong in any way...and asking for some kind of donation is fair.

 

I wasn't there, for another I can't even pretend to put myself in your shoes. But even if you were standing by the door.....or even blocking it...there are other ways he could have handled the situation without laying a single finger on you...he could have threatened to call hotel management and report that someone was refusing to let him leave the room. Or if you work from a residence he could have threatened to call LE and report the same thing.........short of in self defense, laying his hands on you was completely unacceptable and absolutely no part of this is your fault. I think you did the right thing by warning the other SP's....., and Erin's right. It was a brave thing. Someone this nervous and this prone to act rashly without thinking of the consequences really shouldn't be hobbying.

 

I thank whatever gods might be out there that this didn't end a lot worse than it did. Take care of yourself, sweetie <3 xoxoxo

[Winnipegcub 21293]

First off Isa I am glad you are safe and not physically harmed in any way. I won't get into the 'gentleman' much cause you asked us not to do that which again shows the kind of person you are. XO But I must provide a little 'male' perspective to this. The reality is not every lady provides full pictures of every angle of their face and body. And for very good reasons. So as a client we know this and have to accept it. But also remember if we are evaluating completely based on that then it is clearly all physical and I must say that you are missing most of what these CERB ladies are. I think many of us seek something way more real than 'what she looks like'. Again not asked for but Isa's pics are very real...and so is the woman deep down to her soul.

 

Isa I don't think you could have done anything different. From a completely selfish standpoint and caring for your safety I wish you wouldn't have put yourself in possible harms way and ask for the donation. I don't know how tense it was and I agree that you really shouldn't have had to ask in the first place. I also know sometimes we just react and then look back at actions we take and think "WTF was I doing". I also know it is the business and the money is deserved...but in the end it is just money. That isn't meant to minimize the woman's right to it but your safety is first. And I know you all know that.

 

Again, sorry it happened and hope you can feel big bear paws wrapped around you.

 

XOXO

Cub

[Guest ***nsut***jr]

I don't buy the "nervousness" excuse in the situation.

The initial and to me the most honest reaction was "you don't look like your pictures".

I'm guessing the offending party had built a mental image in his mind of what you looked like and his "expectation" was wrong.

Fair enough. I think it happens.

I think the way he handled it was absolutely wrong because he should have given himself and you the opportunity to at least have some time to have a chat and collect his thoughts.

He could have figured out how to politely extract himself from the situation and hopefully offer some compensation.

By not offering to make some sort of compensation it seems pretty clear the he felt he was in the right and that he had been mislead.

By forcing himself out the door complete with physical contact he seemed to be more annoyed than nervous.

I'm glad nothing worse happened and sorry that you had to experience that.

 

And all the guys out there that have expectations, requirements or are looking for a certain thing, ASK MORE QUESTIONS.

Ask the lady, read the threads and recos and maybe PM a guy that has seen and reco'd the lady you are interested in. Go to the chat room and ask discretely about ladies.

 

Anything beats looking and feeling like a jerk.

 

J

[fortunateone 156618]

I'm not sure there is much different that could have been done. It is no surprise that you were surprised by his reaction and comments. Very confusing, especially given the fact he is a member and has access to recos and your ads and posts and numerous pics.

 

I think as sps when we hear a really lame and clearly false excuse, we tend to get more assertive. Also his behaviour was erratic and somewhat aggressive.

 

It's natural to expect and ask for compensation for what seems to have been a clear and deliberate attempt to waste her time, and/or get to find her location and see what she looks like without commiting to paying for her time. It's not as if a cerb member wouldn't know this might be an issue, and that it would be the right thing to do.

 

I would suggest just remain calm, make sure you keep a distance between you and him, and assure him that he is not obliged to stay. And maybe adding 'considering the time we have both spent in arranging this, compensation for my time would be appreciated." Its non confrontational (kind of) and allows you to let it go if he flat out refuses, saving you from having an argument about it and possibly escalating his erratic behaviour. At the same time, you are reminding him that he chose to make an appt based on a lot of information he had access to, more than other clients have when they come to see you. It puts the onus on him to accept responsibility for that, rather than try to blame you for not meeting his expectations.

[vhepburn 351]

I agree with Sara's post. Isabella has two separate issues here. The first is the physical abuse - it's absolutely unacceptable plain and simple. But - when someone is obviously nervous and tense, getting between them and their only means of exit is dangerous. Still no excuse but it's important to acknowledge that non-violent crisis intervention is largely about ensuring your own safety and ensuring your actions don't escalate the situation. The second issue is the donation. Again, I agree with Sara - in my opinion, asking for the whole donation is not appropriate. A cancellation fee should have sufficed. All that being said, I hope that Isabella is okay and hasn't been affected by this confrontation. I would say the majority of hobbyists would never behave in this way.