A Lesson in Discretion....

[Taylor Maid 231]

Thank you so much for sharing Emily

 

My town is very small and I see my regular clients with their lovely spouses all the time almost everywhere I go. However, I would never acknowledge their existence or presence because I am a professional and I guess that is what keeps them coming back to me is my level of discretion. Hence without it ever being said, I would have always assumed they felt the same way. I guess not! Thanks again for reiterating via your blog the importance of upholding our golden rule of discretion.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I've had this happen to me before when I was outside a hotel I was staying at in Toronto one time waiting for valet to bring my car around. I went back to the hotel later and checked my emails and received one which said "I saw you at xxxxxxx hotel waiting for your car. You're so hot!"

 

This was at a time where you could see my face on my website. I've had a few people recognize me before and I later stopped showing my face as a result. Another time was in a restaurant in a high end downtown Toronto restaurant with a boyfriend and it was written on a review board in a thread dedicated to this very subject and if anyone has ever seen an escort in public.

 

Regardless of whether or not an escort shows her face on her website, it does not dismiss the fact that men who do that are NOT being discrete. And just because an escort does happen to show their face on a website doesn't mean it's fair game for a person to be able to pull a stunt like that.

 

I see clients all around town while they are out at Home Depot, the bank or grocery store and I either walk the other way or pretend I don't know that person while never making eye contact. Discretion always assured!

[bcguy42 38594]

Interesting that this should come up at this time. I was just thinking about this today.

 

I spend an inordinate amount of time at Arrivals at YOW waiting for clients. More like than once it has crossed my mind that I could be watching the arrival of a lady on tour. Were I to definitively recognize someone there is no way I would signal or acknowledge that recognition.

 

Every person with whom I have shared "time and companionship" knows my real name. It's my expectation that if someone sees me at Rona she won't yell "Hey, XXXXXX, great shag yesterday!" across the store.

 

Likewise I would not mess with someone's cover.

 

I did pretty well on standardized tests when I was a kid but that doesn't make me the brightest bulb in the marquee. So how come I get this and other guys don't?

 

Come on, guys, use the big brain.

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

In my line of work I am at arrivals at YSB and meeting clients and and have people recognize me out of the blue and I dont know that particuler person but that individual comes up to me and says I know you! What??? I dont know them; I can imagine what a person feels like receiving texts from an unknown person. In my case they have seen me in public some where I guess.

[mrgreen760 37785]

I found myself in a situation where through chatting about interests and stuff that it was likely that at some point our paths could cross in civilian life. We agreed that in a situation where direct interaction wasn't necessary then a subtle nod or some signal of acknowledgement was appropriate. If the situation required direct interaction we developed a plausible back story of how we knew each other. This required disclosure of real names albeit only first names and required a very high level of trust for both parties. It hasn't happened yet but now no worries if it does.

 

Peace

MG

[roamingguy 300291]

That is so creepy, so stalkish a type of behaviour. What man, definitely not a gentleman, would think that any lady would welcome an anonymous text message the gist of which I am looking at you, I know where you are going, and you don't know who I am. That's the type of behaviour a stalker would do, not what a gentleman would do.

Sorry you had to go through this Emily. No lady deserves to be treated in such a creepy manner.

 

RG

[Meaghan McLeod 179664]

Emily great points. Thank you.

 

One thing I'd like to mention is talking to ladies about other ladies. Where their location is, etc.

 

I fired a long time client because he was way too chatty about other ladies he has seen. It's not like I asked him information, but when he told another lady where my location was (specificlly), I decided he didn't understand discretion. I have no idea what else he had told others. It put me in a vulnerable position, as I don't know this lady, and she caused some shit for me.

 

So please, keep your chatter to yourself.

[CristyCurves 169032]

You'll never be able to control what others do, only what you do and how you react to the actions of others. Quite honestly I'm surprised this doesn't happen more. It is one of the downfalls of advertising on the internet, where anyone and any type can view us. It doesn't justify it, excuse it or make it acceptable. His behavior was wrong and indiscrete but the fact of the matter is many who see us online aren't hobbyists or even aware of the rules of discretion. Many of them think our personas are us and that approaching us or addressing us by our "names" is alright. Then there are those who know better and just do as they choose. I think we'd all be a little naïve to think this won't happen again, or hasn't happened before, or that reminders like this will fall on ears and eyes such as his. I believe even if we had "please don't approach in public" embossed on all our pictures it still would happen.

[Guest]

All I'm going to say is: for some this is entertainment and for others this is how we make a living. Our companion lives are not our private lives, and those two lives should not collide, unless it's wanted by both parties. The boundaries in mutual beneficial relationships are: two consenting adults enjoy an agreed amount of time together. During that time it can be exciting, special, and real. However, the special thing about what we do is that there are no expectations, or strings and wants/expectations are expressed before the set date. I find that when boundaries are crossed, that's where it gets messy and it's just not fun. When the excuse of lack of knowledge is used, I find it incredibly insulting. Usually, when this type of situation happens, the person initiating this creepy type of event is usually trying to stalk their prey and knows that they are in a vulnerable situation (having dealt with people hinting that they know who I am as Peachy/Val in my civilian life, it is a difficult situation...).

 

I think Emily handled herself accordingly and I appreciate her posting this. The true sign of wisdom is learning from other peoples mistakes. Perhaps, this can do someone some justice...

 

On the other end of the spectrum, there are clients who are new to this type of relationship and they deserve a little guidance. This is fine. With that being said, I don't think that a client would appreciate a gushing escort approaching their family, loved ones, co-workers, or even themselves alone in a public venue.

 

Do unto others, as you would like them to do unto you.

[Metalsmith 2980]

I 'ran into' a SP and ended up helping with some IT related issues that probably helped that SP get online here that night. I was glad to help, but never acknowledged that I knew who they were.

 

I had never met that SP professionally for any time together, but it never occurred to me to 'bring it up' while helping.

 

*shakes head*

 

What's broken in people nowadays?

 

MS

[Guest A**aTo**h]

Emily great points. Thank you.

 

One thing I'd like to mention is talking to ladies about other ladies. Where their location is, etc.

 

I fired a long time client because he was way too chatty about other ladies he has seen. It's not like I asked him information, but when he told another lady where my location was (specificlly), I decided he didn't understand discretion. I have no idea what else he had told others. It put me in a vulnerable position, as I don't know this lady, and she caused some shit for me.

 

So please, keep your chatter to yourself.

 

Agreed! Keep the chatter to oneself! On the other side of the coin from the client perspective, I had regularly seen a lady who discussed her various clients with me all the time over our chat with wine when I visited her (she never gave names or anything, so never did she overstep that line) but she would tell me at length about her encounters with others, what the session was like, and her likes and dislikes of the meetings. After a while it made me think, can she be trusted with keeping our time confidential?

[CristyCurves 169032]

All I'm going to say is: for some this is entertainment and for others this is how we make a living. Our companion lives are not our private lives, and those two lives should not collide, unless it's wanted by both parties. The boundaries in mutual beneficial relationships are: two consenting adults enjoy an agreed amount of time together. During that time it can be exciting, special, and real. However, the special thing about what we do is that there are no expectations, or strings and wants/expectations are expressed before the set date. I find that when boundaries are crossed, that's where it gets messy and it's just not fun. When the excuse of lack of knowledge is used, I find it incredibly insulting. Usually, when this type of situation happens, the person initiating this creepy type of event is usually trying to stalk their prey and knows that they are in a vulnerable situation (having dealt with people hinting that they know who I am as Peachy/Val in my civilian life, it is a difficult situation...).

 

Peachy you seem angry or annoyed, and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding your tone. I'm not sure what the difference is between those who do this for entertainment and those who do this for a living, as far as discretion goes, or why you mentioned it. As it's my belief that none of us want to be "outed" or "confronted". We all agree that the situation that Emily faced wasn't right and no one gave the impression that she shouldn't have posted it. We all know it shouldn't have happened but the fact remains that it is presumptuous to assume that all who view us online or see us anywhere know about our double lives, discretion and appropriate conduct. If you are insulted by others lack of knowledge or think it an excuse, you are being naïve, or expecting to much of some. We have to realize there are those who just aren't aware. Through surfing the net or by some other circumstance they come upon a picture of an attractive woman and if they happen to see her in public are perhaps taken aback, excited by the chance or whatever. It's not an excuse but SOME men when in the presence of an attractive woman, especially one they find to their taste, become like little boys and all their faculties become skewed, resulting in inappropriate behavior at times. Again this doesn't excuse it, but it certainly doesn't make them stalkers or up to no good. A hobbyist should know better, certainly, but the average Joe, we have to realize, they don't. We also have to realize that many of these "Joes" are never going to see posts like this, doesn't mean they shouldn't be made, it just means it'll happen again, because more people surf than join forums such as this one. Where we spread important messages such as Emily's.

Those of us in this lifestyle are supposed to be more tolerant and understanding because of what we face daily, where is that now? There is a reason for all things that happen, sometimes it should be heard before presumptions are made or demonizing occurs. I thank you for your care and concern towards your fellow worker:)

[Guest]

I'm most certainly not naive to this type of situation. I have dealt with people hinting in a demanding, humiliating way, that they know exactly who I am as an escort. I still continue to collide/cellarbrate with these people on a daily basis. I continue to hold my head high and push forward with what I need to do. Whether people are excited, or they are down right trying to attack someone; I can't help to feel that it's a breach of security (for a lack of words). If I seem a little annoyed it's because I have directly dealt with this in a different way, but I assure you that I didn't want it to come off that way. To protect my privacy I will not elaborate where, or with whom this has happened with.

 

No, we can't stop this from happening. However, we can try to educate people and guide them the best we can. Who knows maybe one of the Joe's out there is board, or whatever and is reading this right now.

 

 

[Liv Waters 52360]

Peachy you seem angry or annoyed, and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding your tone. I'm not sure what the difference is between those who do this for entertainment and those who do this for a living, as far as discretion goes, or why you mentioned it. As it's my belief that none of us want to be "outed" or "confronted". We all agree that the situation that Emily faced wasn't right and no one gave the impression that she shouldn't have posted it. We all know it shouldn't have happened but the fact remains that it is presumptuous to assume that all who view us online or see us anywhere know about our double lives, discretion and appropriate conduct. If you are insulted by others lack of knowledge or think it an excuse, you are being naïve, or expecting to much of some. We have to realize there are those who just aren't aware. Through surfing the net or by some other circumstance they come upon a picture of an attractive woman and if they happen to see her in public are perhaps taken aback, excited by the chance or whatever. It's not an excuse but SOME men when in the presence of an attractive woman, especially one they find to their taste, become like little boys and all their faculties become skewed, resulting in inappropriate behavior at times. Again this doesn't excuse it, but it certainly doesn't make them stalkers or up to no good. A hobbyist should know better, certainly, but the average Joe, we have to realize, they don't. We also have to realize that many of these "Joes" are never going to see posts like this, doesn't mean they shouldn't be made, it just means it'll happen again, because more people surf than join forums such as this one. Where we spread important messages such as Emily's.

Those of us in this lifestyle are supposed to be more tolerant and understanding because of what we face daily, where is that now? There is a reason for all things that happen, sometimes it should be heard before presumptions are made or demonizing occurs. I thank you for your care and concern towards your fellow worker:)

 

There's no need to coddle poor behavior on the part of clients, or men who we may not have seen but that recognize us from our ads. The lack consideration or insight as to feelings of unsafety implied by such actions as Emily detailed are unacceptable and a reflection of the harmfulness of male privilege; to insert oneself in the life of a given woman on terms that do not consider her right to feelings of safety and comfort (psychological, emotional and physical safety)....ignorance is no excuse. In fact, the luxury of it is part of the problem. An action does not have to be consciously willful to be threatening or violent, or in need of challenge. It is not my aim to demonize men (far from it! I would be in the wrong industry if those were my feelings ;)), or to infer that experiencing privilege is one and the same as exercising it (to the detriment of others)...

 

With all due respect Christy, this thread was started, I believe, to serve as a reminder of what it is like for ladies that do the work and experience toxic, unsafe behavior, and potentially to refresh gentlemen about OUR needs for privacy and discretion. If someone started a thread on having experienced being robbed or assaulted, and someone followed up with comments like, "so, yeah, that's too bad, but, you know, I'm surprised it does not happen more often", people would be all over that, naming it as invalidation. I'm sure that was not your intent here, but I feel things are going in that direction.

 

Best

[CristyCurves 169032]

There's no need to coddle poor behavior on the part of clients, or men who we may not have seen but that recognize us from our ads. The lack consideration or insight as to feelings of unsafety implied by such actions as Emily detailed are unacceptable and a reflection of the harmfulness of male privilege; to insert oneself in the life of a given woman on terms that do not consider her right to feelings of safety and comfort (psychological, emotional and physical safety)....ignorance is no excuse. In fact, the luxury of it is part of the problem. An action does not have to be consciously willful to be threatening or violent, or in need of challenge. It is not my aim to demonize men (far from it! I would be in the wrong industry if those were my feelings ;)), or to infer that experiencing privilege is one and the same as exercising it (to the detriment of others)...

 

With all due respect Christy, this thread was started, I believe, to serve as a reminder of what it is like for ladies that do the work and experience toxic, unsafe behavior, and potentially to refresh gentlemen about OUR needs for privacy and discretion. If someone started a thread on having experienced being robbed or assaulted, and someone followed up with comments like, "so, yeah, that's too bad, but, you know, I'm surprised it does not happen more often", people would be all over that, naming it as invalidation. I'm sure that was not your intent here, but I feel things are going in that direction.

 

Best

Anna you make a point, thank you for it. I do think you are being overly harsh and misunderstanding my point. I wasn't glib nor did I say "so, yeah, that's too bad but, you know", nor did my post have that tone. If you felt it did I apologize. I did say I'm surprised it does not happen more often because I am and I didn't say that with glibness nor without care or concern. I've experienced toxic behavior from men and women whilst in this business so I take this topic seriously. I also stated the inappropriateness of that persons actions, in both my posts, and that it shouldn't have happened. I made a point as to why it might happen, it wasn't a defense to it, nor was it an excuse, it was an explanation and shouldn't an explanation be part of the message, couldn't that be helpful? Perhaps you don't care why it happens, perhaps it shouldn't matter but the fact remains no matter how many times we discipline, explain, or teach, many won't hear or see the message, so how can they be educated by it? If some feel the need to "be all over it" for that being said then perhaps they should question why they are so offended by facts or truths. I'm very aware why this thread was started and it's point, my comment also had a valid point. That point, as I explained, was most certainly not coddling the behavior, nor excusing it. Anyone that has read my posts knows that coddling anyone is far from what I do. I try hard to understand why people do what they do and to find an explanation for their actions, that's it, if some see that as being ill intended or uncaring then I think they are seeking drama. I'll admit, I wasn't aware that inserting oneself into the life of another was an effect of male privilege, as I've met many women who are as guilty of this behavior as well so it's more than the reflection of the harmfulness of male privilege. Inappropriate behavior, indiscretions, invasiveness, bullying, even stalking are awful, scary and certainly inexcusable. Reminders as to how to avoid such behaviors, facts about it's happenings, why it shouldn't happen, tips on discretion are important and will be heeded by those who hear the message, by those who read the message, by those who want the message, but what about the rest? How do we reach them, how do we stop them? That was my point, which certainly wasn't an invalidation to the op's post. Thank for your concern and comment.

[50 Shades Raven 31380]

OMG!!!

All I can say is OMG!

 

WHAT on earth was that person thinking?

Discrete (on their behalf)? I don't think so!!!!

 

This is a business of discretion, and yes, discretion is a two way street here.

 

I see clients all the time in places like grocery stores, gas stations, restaurants, you name it.

Not once have I EVER made contact, outside of the encounter itself, with any one of them.

 

We are asked if we have discrete locations, if we ourselves are discrete, but when we ask for discretion in return, THIS is what we get? Holy shit!!!!!!

 

I am very sorry that you had to endure such a jackass Emily, there was no discretion on any part of those messages, and it would have creeped me right out also. That is the opitome of stalking.

 

I have a discrete location, I don't discuss clients with other clients or other ladies (unless I am asking for a recommendation from a lady that a client claims to have seen).

 

If you see me outside of an encounter, DO NOT COME UP TO ME AND STATE, 'Hey Raven, got time for a quickie this week ?'

The reaction you will get from me will NOT be pretty.

 

We 'play mates' work hard to assure discretion as much as humanly possible.

At least extend to us the same courtesy that you expect us to provide.

[Irina Adler 5376]

I recently had a former client friend-request me on my personal Facebook because we had a mutual friend. I found it highly inappropriate and somewhat disturbing. I promptly blocked him and it is safe to say I would no longer be comfortable seeing him as a client, were he to contact me again.

 

If you see a lady outside of the workplace, whether it be in person or on social media, pretend you didn't. It is a game we all play for the sake of discretion. I have no illusions as to how private, or public my identity may be, but as members of this community, I think we can all agree to be cordial and limit our interactions to the hobby space, unless both parties indicate otherwise.

 

That said, there are circumstances where relationships formed in the hobby can migrate into the rest of our lives. If you and your client/lady maintain contact outside of the hobby, it is up to you how to handle chance meetings etc. But if you only connect with your lady/client for the purposes of hobbying, then take care not to make any assumptions, no matter how friendly your client/lady may be during appointments.

[Johnny Canuck 5347]

In a weird twist of worlds, I can remember a time when an SP I met before came for a series of scheduled interviews I was doing for my company. My heart went out to her as I am pretty sure she was even more of a nervous wreck after I came in to give the interview. Never once did I let our SP/Client relationship interfere with her candidacy for the position, but I definitely never heard from her again in any way (not that I blame her). So discretion was definitely compromised but not by either one of us. Really weird experience.

[TheRiddlerMan 872]

Do unto others as you would have done unto you. I'm sure most of us guys would rather our "companions" be discreet outside of our encounters, so they should expect the same of us. They're people too, with family and friends and living in a society which still very much stigmatizes what we do. Unless you've been explicitly told it's okay, don't assume you can insert yourself into their private life.