New Joke Thread

[Guest f***2f***]

I noticed the old joke thread is closed???

Anyway wanted to share this with everyone

 

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I'm 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

 

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

 

Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

 

Sheila

 

 

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

I hope this helps,

 

Walter

[Guest s******ecan****]

Granpa, a life long professional gambler is called in by the Feds for an audit.

 

Noting that Granpa has brought his lawyer along as a witness the auditor begins by stating he doesen't believe Granpa has no taxable income, since he is well known to live wealthy lifestyle. "No one is that good" he states with authority.

 

"Oh yeah" says Granpa. "I bet you $5,000 I can bite my own eye".

 

Caught off guard the auditor quickly takes the bet, assuming Granpa has reached the initial stages of dementia, or is full of it.

 

"Alright you're on" replies the auditor.

 

Granpa calmy removes is glass eye and gives it a firm clamp between his jaws.

 

"Very clever" replies the auditor...a tremble in his voice as he observes Granpa's lawyer writing in his notebook.

 

"Listen, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot...I'll give you a chance to get your money back" says Granpa.

 

"I'll bet you $5,000 that I can bite my other eye" Granpa says with a wink.

 

The auditor is wary, but pleased. Clearly Granpa isn't blind, he begins to understand Granpa is just a man with a good sense of humour who was obviously trying to break the ice. He decides to play along.

 

"Alright....I'll take some of that action" replies the auditor, hoping his response sounded sufficiently gambler like.

 

The auditor's jaw drops as Granpa takes out his dentures and clamps his good eye.

 

"Whaddya think of that?" says Granpa.

 

A cold ball forms in the auditor's stomach as the lawyer scribbles more in his notebook. Suddenly he finds it hard to swallow.

 

"Like to go for double or nothing?" Granpa says with a grin.

 

The auditor is silent..his chair feels damp.

 

"I'll bet you I can stand on this chair, urinate over your desk into that garbage can behind it, and not get a single drop anywhere else."

 

The auditor knows he shouldn't trust him, but looking at Granpa there does not seem to be any way he could pull it off. Isn't bluffing part of the game? Surely Granpa has over played his hand.

 

"OK" says the auditor with a weak voice betraying his nervousness.

 

Granpa stands on the chair and unzips. Though he gives it his best try he doesen't even come close and he ends up soaking the desk, carpet and chair with urine.

 

The auditor leaps up and pumps a victory fist, shouting with joy while Granpa's lawyer throws his hands up to his face and begins wailing.

 

Granpa is still smiling.

 

The auditor gestures to the lawyer

 

"Whats wrong with him?"

 

Granpa grins and says.

 

"Before we came here I bet him $25,000 that I could come in, piss all over your desk and that you would be happy about it."

 

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!