Is it wrong to fall for a client?

[Nathalie L 112512]

This thread hits close to my heart. Thank you, Karina, for being so forthcoming and honest about your feelings. It has created a safe environment for people to post about their own experiences. Hopefully we can all learn from one another, and move forward with compassion, kindness, and love for ourselves.

 

Perhaps this isn't the appropriate place or time to discuss my experiences, but this story might illuminate the complexities of loving people, regardless of whether the relationship is bounded by the particular circumstances of the SP/client relationship. I hope this helps, Karina, and I hope others who are reading are compassionate and understanding.

 

In May 2011, a client and I fell in love. Was it wrong? Definitely not. Was it complicated? Very.

 

We had so much in common and he inspired me. He encouraged me to apply to law school, write poetry, start a blog, and share my thoughts with the world. At one point he bought me a beautiful leather bound journal and said

 

Beautiful Nathalie,

 

Thank you so deeply for your friendship, which is renewing my sense of what is wonderful in life. A wonderful gift to give anyone.

 

This journal is in appreciation for all the kind, helpful reading you have done on my novel. For your beautiful thoughts - yet another place for them.

 

With love,

 

I inspired him as well. We wrote e-mails to each other endlessly, and saw each other approximately every two weeks. He was writing a novel, and I was reading it and providing him feedback on it. The novel's love story turned out to be representative of the love he and I shared. As he learned more about my life, he would integrate those moments into the narrative. It was beautiful to see our love story unfold both on paper, via e-mail, and in real life.

 

The problem: he was single but contemplating getting back together with his ex and I was in a relationship with a woman I married several months later.

 

While on a trip to Chicago, he and I decided to part ways. After a morning of blissful relaxation, lovemaking, kissing, and caressing, we went out for lunch. I looked at him and said I felt very confused and conflicted. I told him I loved him, but that it was complicated. I asked him what we were doing, and whether we wanted to move forward with a 'relationship'. With hindsight, I recognize that we were already in a relationship, simply a relationship of a different nature. Neither of us had satisfying answers. My relationship with this client was bounded by the financial exchange, but I knew I would lose my relationship with my partner if I continued to see him.

 

We walked to Millenium Park and sat on a bench, and watched people walk by. We held hands, and we both cried and mourned the end of our relationship. While he and I were negotiating my departure from Chicago (and the relationship) we had doubts. He said "even how we have discussed this, with so much love, compassion, and understanding, makes me wonder whether we are making a mistake Nathalie"

 

I shook my head, I wasn't sure. I went home to my partner, told her what happened, and that was the beginning of the end of my relationship with her. We separated in the summer of 2012.

 

At the time, I made the decision that made sense for me. I have no regrets. However, Karina, I would ask that you not romanticize relationships that aren't bounded by a financial exchange. Money does not necessarily corrupt authentic love and intimacy, rather, it's our discomfort with the idea of mixing both that causes tension. I think it's important to keep in mind that most relationships have unnegotiated financial dynamics (for example, many marriages and long-term relationships) which can cause much more tension than the honest and open communication that's possible with clients in this industry.

 

If it feels right to you, then tell him, whilst simultaneously keeping in mind all the questions, comments, and concerns raised by Samantha Evans as well as others. None of us are walking in your shoes (or his). Wanting to keep love, intimacy, and care in one world, and money in another is what most people do, but we should all have a better understanding of what really happens in this industry... it is so much more complicated than that, isn't it?

[Athos 108589]

I think this is an amazing thread. Thanks Nathalie for such an open and honest post. It's an incredibly moving story.

 

I know personally I've occasionally felt confused about my feelings for a special service provider. For a long time I tried to only hobby when I traveled, so that I couldn't develop feelings. But over time I craved more intimacy, and those sorts of one-off encounters just became rather dull and empty for me.

 

For several years I saw one woman exclusively. She was an incredibly important part of my life. We didn't communicate much outside of setting up appointments, but we saw each other frequently, shared stories of our lives, and became very close and, I think, very dear friends. I didn't love her, but I often imagined that in other circumstances I could very easily have fallen in love with her.

 

I think anyone can fall in love. Often love sneaks up and finds you in unexpected ways and unexpected places. So maybe it is possible to do so within the the bounds of the client-provider relationship. But it strikes me that this requires two incredibly secure people, who understand that the nature of their love isn't affected by their interactions with other people -- whether it be partners, spouses, or other clients -- and that the financial transaction also continues in tandem with emotional commitment. It strikes me that if that happened, it could be a most amazing thing.

 

Many of the posts in this thread tend to assume that falling in love means a change in status for one or both of the parties ... the SP giving up her job, or the client (if married) seeking to free himself. I wonder if it needs to be that way, ... or if two people can accept who they are, the situation they find themselves in, and relish the fact of being in love.

 

Some Tuesday night rambling. Maybe some food for thought. I'd love to hear what others think.

 

Porthos

[PatrickGC 10792]

Many of the posts in this thread tend to assume that falling in love means a change in status for one or both of the parties ... the SP giving up her job, or the client (if married) seeking to free himself. I wonder if it needs to be that way, ... or if two people can accept who they are, the situation they find themselves in, and relish the fact of being in love.

 

Porthos, I think that these situations can succeed. Things don't have to be "that way". People are infinitely varied and capable of so much. Being physically disabled I am aware of several relationships between service providers and clients which defy the common assumptions people make. However there is place for them tell their story. So these unique relationships can become isolating in themselves for all concerned. I only mention disability because that is the grapevine I am plugged into. But this happens across the human spectrum.

 

This thread is a marvelous beginning! Perhaps it's time here on CERB to create a new forum dedicated to these untold stories. I am sure it would help a lot of people out and thought-provoking for others.

 

Take care,

PatrickGC

[Kennidikummings 9755]

I just have to say that I totally think its okay I just attended a wedding of a really good friend of mine who has been with her man for five years now and they met in this business both not in favorable situations at first, I myself have been at that point before contemplating the feelings that my heart was giving me.. in hindsight the heart wants what it wants and we cannot help the way we feel, do what you know is going to make you happy because just remember we only live once and don't wait until it's too late in life for love to give you what you want!!!

[Gabriella Laurence 301887]

... Keep in mind, that the client-provider relationship is one that is quite bounded in terms of what happens and the circumstances under which it happens. Ladies often say about clients who fall for them, that the client "really" doesn't know who they are. They see them in a fantasy context, in which everything is being geared to their pleasure. Clients don't see their providers lounging around the house in sweatpants eating chips! (although, depending on context that could be quite incredible).

 

Well, it may be the same with clients. Clients as well are on their best behaviour (or at least good clients, so I assume this applies to your gentleman). The question is how well do you actually know him. Falling in love involves a certain degree of emotional intimacy and understanding of each other...

 

I totally agree with the above (and Samantha's post) and I am quite surprised to see that such a double standard exists when it comes to an "sp falling for a client" versus a "client falling for an sp" or one that would like to change the terms of the current relationship; I sincerely doubt that if a gentleman expressed the same concern as Karina did, that the answers and advice offered would have been the same...

 

Good luck to you, Karina! I hope it all works out for the best!

[Wolf Knight 29667]

Miss Laurence is right in her post usually in these "relationships" we (clients and SP's) are on our best (or at least most desirable) behaviour.

 

Personally, I am a naturally intense and contemplative person which is usually described as "moody". I am typical Type "A" and very much in control of everything around me. While brooding, mysterious can be and sensual and even erotic to an extent, this is not a side that I would ever show an SP who's generous enough to allow me to spend time with her. She always gets my carefree, passionate, funny and free spending side.

 

While I very much enjoy life and everything it has to offer those along for the ride with me get to enjoy a lot at a very fast pace but it does come at a price. Unless you are person who is prepared to "handle" (because a good handler is required) me I can easily exhaust you.

 

All that said I can see many people wanting to be around the me that SP's would get but very few that would want to be around "real me" everyday.

 

Just my two cents!

 

Chuck

[Trickster 520]

I think this is an amazing thread. Thanks Nathalie for such an open and honest post. It's an incredibly moving story.

 

I know personally I've occasionally felt confused about my feelings for a special service provider. For a long time I tried to only hobby when I traveled, so that I couldn't develop feelings. But over time I craved more intimacy, and those sorts of one-off encounters just became rather dull and empty for me.

 

For several years I saw one woman exclusively. She was an incredibly important part of my life. We didn't communicate much outside of setting up appointments, but we saw each other frequently, shared stories of our lives, and became very close and, I think, very dear friends. I didn't love her, but I often imagined that in other circumstances I could very easily have fallen in love with her.

 

I think anyone can fall in love. Often love sneaks up and finds you in unexpected ways and unexpected places. So maybe it is possible to do so within the the bounds of the client-provider relationship. But it strikes me that this requires two incredibly secure people, who understand that the nature of their love isn't affected by their interactions with other people -- whether it be partners, spouses, or other clients -- and that the financial transaction also continues in tandem with emotional commitment. It strikes me that if that happened, it could be a most amazing thing.

 

Many of the posts in this thread tend to assume that falling in love means a change in status for one or both of the parties ... the SP giving up her job, or the client (if married) seeking to free himself. I wonder if it needs to be that way, ... or if two people can accept who they are, the situation they find themselves in, and relish the fact of being in love.

 

Some Tuesday night rambling. Maybe some food for thought. I'd love to hear what others think.

 

Porthos

 

These last posts by Porthos and Gabriella Laurence both highlight the thoughtful and insightful nature of this thread. While the input of clients is important, the true beauty of this thread is the insight and personal revelations of the SPs. We, as clients can only know a small portion of the incredible challenges of being a SP and the more I get to know a few of the them, I realize how it can lead to a very complex and secretive life. It's wonderful for Karina to be falling in love but the challenge of revealing her true feelings to a client (lucky enough to be on the receiving end) is not always going to end up with a "Pretty Woman" ending? As Porthos and Gabriella Laurence so pointedly remarked that the parameters of their relationship may not change anything about their present lives. They may declare their love but who says Karina will stop being a SP or he will leave his wife (if there is one)?? We have to stop jumping to conclusions and just enjoy the process. Simply put, there is nothing wrong for Karina to fall in love with her client but the complexities of their lives will dictate the extent and nature of their relationship.

Lastly, the intelligence, soulfulness, and the emotional range of responses that have been exhibited on this thread makes it obvious that many of the SPs and clients are thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally secure with their feelings. A good community to know.....

[Guest A** L***]

Hi, I don't think it's 'wrong.' I do think to some extent as SP's we have to have the ability to separate to some degree an extreme emotional connection. This is not always an easy task, but I believe it is a necessary one to have. The men who see us, they usually see us for one reason or another, many times it's because they are married. May not be getting at home what they may get with an SP. No strings attached, talking about things they can't with their significant other...etc.

 

Although it is enjoyable to see men on a regular basis, it's safe, it's known, etc. but it's my thought to always be very aware of the boundaries. This actually goes both ways.

 

Just my 2 cents...

 

Good luck!!

 

Xx

[crankF 12893]

Karina...

 

Spending intimate time with a client or conversely when we spend intimate time with a provider is bound to have emotional challenges.

 

Intimacy comes not only from the body, it comes from the mind and spirit. The greater the time spent with another human being, the greater the bond is that is being forged.

 

Is it wrong? Absolutely not; it's human. Therein lies the challenge.

 

The challenge is fulfilling that desire, that need to requite, to validate. The checklist is infinite but you probably should ask yourself a number of questions.

 

First, does he share the same strength of passion for you? If the answer is yes, it becomes simpler and more complicated. It is however the key in determining whether your feelings are insatiable or open to further provocation.

 

Second, if the answer to the first is yes, are you both willing to make sacrifices - significant sacrifices - to see the relationship flourish or flounder?

 

Men, for the most part, do not share well. Your current career is an avocation that might not be in line with his traditional values; he might not be willing to accept a partner that has intimate relationships with other men. It's a paradox, considering the nature of your current relationship, but it is a clear delineation - a line in the sand. Would you be willing to forego your current position to fulfill a relationship that may or may not work out?

 

Further to this - would he be free to make the choice to be with you, without making significant personal sacrifices? Is he married? Does he have children? Does he have a career? Would his family accept the relationship?

 

The typical client-provider relationship is safe because it is discrete and fulfilled at the end of each session. Guilt is diminished - it's a transaction of the flesh rather than of the heart. When you add emotion, the intimacy is enhanced and the safeguards come down - you genuinely give yourself to him as a whole - but the price to yourself is vulnerability. YOU need HIM.

 

It's a struggle that many people on both sides of the industry face. It can be incredibly beautiful. It can also be psychologically crippling.

 

The best advice I can give? Be analytic. Before you approach him, ask yourself whether you would be willing to make equal or greater sacrifices to the ones you may have to ask him to make. Ask yourself whether you really know him or whether you just idealize him. It's far easier to love the idea of a person than actually live with that person.

 

It's a tough one that each of us has to deal with. I don't know whether I have helped at all or over complicated things - but I do hope that I have given some food for thought.

 

A quote comes to mind, not written by Shakespeare but of that era:

"Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."

Holy cow; I knew Old Dong was a hoot, but I didn't know he was so deep!