When is it time to end the client/sp relationship?

[PRECIOUSBABExo 316]

I know I am new to this Board... which I feel is a good reason to ask this.

 

I have a client (well had) that I became fond of spending time with, and I know he did as well... much more than I due to my chosen profession. I held back, not enough it would seem.

 

A situation came up and accusations were made... Feelings were hurt & Trust was questioned on both sides. Possibly still are? Not the first time, but by far the most serious.

 

I believe it was the right thing to do to end our business as well as friendship to avoid further damage to either.

 

What is your opinion on this or any other situation you may have had?

[roamingguy 300291]

When trust is broken, accusations made, feelings hurt, it's time to end it

This should be a mutually beneficial activity, if a friendship develops, bonus

But from the little details I know of your situation, it isn't mutually beneficial,

and continuing this sp/client relationship sounds like the wrong thing to do, for both parties involved

RG

[Guest f***2f***]

Yup you did the right thing. This is supposed to be fun not a soap opera.

[Guest C**rAz****e]

You done the right thing by ending it.I had almost the same thing happen to me a Sp was getting to attached to me so I had to end it I felt bad but I had to do it.

[AndyofHalifax 15339]

I definitely agree that you did the right thing. Despite the friendship you had developed with him, you are better cutting the ties when the lines get that blurred about the lines between your professional and private relationship, especially with unrequited feelings.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I know I am new to this Board... which I feel is a good reason to ask this.

 

I have a client (well had) that I became fond of spending time with, and I know he did as well... much more than I due to my chosen profession. I held back, not enough it would seem.

 

A situation came up and accusations were made... Feelings were hurt & Trust was questioned on both sides. Possibly still are? Not the first time, but by far the most serious.

 

I believe it was the right thing to do to end our business as well as friendship to avoid further damage to either.

 

What is your opinion on this or any other situation you may have had?

 

Get out of it ASAP. Tell them and be upfront that the damage is done and you can no longer see them. I wish I had done that with a client but it was too late. I was still seeing them and up until the date they wanted to meet, I was dreading it and it made me sick physically and emotionally. I did the appt to the best of my ability and walked out of there and vowed to never see them again because a) I did not trust them b) they creeped me out and c) he did a not so nice thing to me one time which I had sort of forgiven him for... okay maybe I didn't. I resented him ever since. I won't be seeing him anymore. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Let him see another SP. You are in a relationship but it's a business one... You are not their girlfriend and you do not owe them anything. Trust me on this one.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

I know I am new to this Board... which I feel is a good reason to ask this.

 

I have a client (well had) that I became fond of spending time with, and I know he did as well... much more than I due to my chosen profession. I held back, not enough it would seem.

 

A situation came up and accusations were made... Feelings were hurt & Trust was questioned on both sides. Possibly still are? Not the first time, but by far the most serious.

 

I believe it was the right thing to do to end our business as well as friendship to avoid further damage to either.

 

What is your opinion on this or any other situation you may have had?

 

I agree with everyone else: you did the right thing. I'm glad that you followed your intuition. Nothing is more important for a companion than to have a well-developed sense of intuition and to be able to follow it. More than anything else, your intuition will keep you--and your clients--safe.

 

I am fond of many of my clients. I'm not ashamed of that, at all. I know myself: I am sensitive and emotional; I also have an absolute, strong need to be as honest with people in my life as I can be while maintaining a very firm boundary between my work and my personal life, between Samantha and me, the woman who is not her. Some aspects of the pre-screening I do with potential clients are less my physical safety than about my emotional and psychological safety. For example, if a man reminds me of someone in my past or present life and I'm uncomfortable with that, I won't meet with him. (Disclosure: I was an abused woman and I grew up in an abusive family. I know what triggers I need to avoid, even when the other person is unknowingly setting them off. That is, this is about me, not about them.)

 

In some ways, I liken what I do to the kinds of relationships therapists have with their clients. They're involved with their clients, they know them at an intimate level and, when things are going well, are trusted with the client's vulnerabilities and frailties. At the same time, their own lives, histories, stories, experiences and personal frailties are not features in the relationship. They are there to support and explore the client's needs, not their own, beyond the contractual aspects. What clients do, how they feel, what they say, the stories they tell--all of those things touch the therapist, sometimes profoundly. Nevertheless, these things arise in the context of a dynamic where confidentiality is so essential that it can't be broken for any reason unless the therapist's personal safety and well-being is at stake. (The safety and well-being of children with whom the client has contact must take first priority, but that's not germane in the SP/client dynamic.)

 

Maintaining good boundaries is as essential for paid companions as it is for therapists. To stay healthy, we need to be able to "turn off" being a companion at the end of the work-day, so to speak. While things we read, hear about, see or think at other times may inform what we do when we're working, if we carry our clients with us into every aspect of our non-working lives, unhealthy things start to happen. Our "real self" and our "companion self" become blurred. We may become emotionally or psychologically needy; we may start to build up expectations about the client that go beyond agreed-upon things like payment of fees, activities that we will or will not do, and safety considerations such as the use of condoms. We may also feel obligated to be available to clients in ways that do not pertain to a healthy, well-defined client relationship, such as taking their calls at all hours of the day and night; allowing them to make frequent, last-minute appointments (if this is not an aspect of our usual business model); cancelling commitments to family, friends and/or other clients in order to accommodate the client's requests; and perhaps even relaxing the boundaries of our work, such as having erotic contact in public places (which is illegal) when this is not an option that we've provided before; or taking risks such as providing bareback services when that has not been a feature of our regular work; or venturing into nknown areas and activities unsafely, such as experimenting with drugs with clients.

 

One of the seductions about our profession is that, if a woman thinks things through carefully and is able to provide top-notch service enthusiastically, and if she knows her market and how to appeal to it, she can make a considerable amount of money in a relatively short period of time. While most of us come into this profession because we have had a sudden need to earn a significant amount of money, once that need has been addressed and the related crises have been averted, we need to attend to our personal health and well-being in the form of making some sober, well-thought-out decisions about the amount of money we really need to earn and the number of clients we can reasonably see in the longer term. We also need to make firm decisions about how we will spend our non-working time. Every companion should have meaningful things to do when not meeting clients, answering e-mail, writing ads and working on her website. The paid companions who are passionate about non-work things in their lives maintain the best work-life balance and are best able to work, or retire, in strong and healthy ways.

 

I'm apologize if it seems that I'm preaching or lecturing or acting like a Mom! That's not my intention. What I really want to say is that, if you think that you had developed some needs and expectations that are outside the usual boundaries, I hope you'll pay attention to those. This can be one of the loneliest professions there is. Perhaps you were lonely and wanted to build a friendship with someone. Maybe you hadn't found ways to care for yourself and your real, human needs, but found that this particular client fulfilled some of those for you. It might be that you had been over-working and had become overtired and found that you could rest and relax in this man's company. It's possible that your real needs for affirmation, confirmation and support have been lacking in your own life and you might have gotten a little over-invested in the positive feedback and compliments he gave you--that is, your ego got hooked a little too much. It might even be that he made you feel needed and important when you hadn't been feeling that way in the rest of your life. If you can figure out what you may have needed from him, I'm sure you'll also be able to identify healthier ways to find those things outside of your work.

 

The last thing I want to say is that paid companions and clients do sometimes form genuine, durable, deeply loving and lasting relationships. Of course they do. We're human beings. But when this happens, in most cases I have known, the parties start over. He stops paying her or giving her money. She begins to involve him in her "real" life, and he involves her in his. They get to know each other as two people, as equals. Often, when this happens, the big issue they face will have to do with her work. Most men do not share their partners easily. She may need to retire or they may need to find ways to separate her profession from the realities of who she is as a woman, a partner and a friend. This may not be easy, but it does happen. I, for one, will not disparage anyone for building more love in this world.

 

You did the right thing with your client. Be proud of yourself! And be careful. Stay safe.

 

With respect and affection,

 

Sam

[PRECIOUSBABExo 316]

TY to everyone for your words of wisdom and advice.

 

It was a hard decision to make for me as it was building into what I thought was more of a friendship, business aside and eliminated if it were to continue that way... meaning, that I had already stated to him I could not be both - a friend and a lover with what I did the way he wanted it. It had to be one or the other.

 

SamanthaEvans you are right when you said we share some pretty intimate things with our clients, as well as a personal connection is developed that was long since forgotten for what ever reason. I pride myself too, for having the heart and soul for an unconditional mutual agreement... to share with many others simultaneously with little regard for myself.

 

I enjoy allowing others to feel that excitement again in their lives!

I enjoy talking with them when things are rough, and they just want to be heard and cradled.

I enjoy bouncing Idea's off each other to understand a problem better.

 

I Love hearing that they found LOVE again and no longer need me for any of this!

 

If at that time... we can JUST be friends, then Great!

 

But this was not the case :(

 

He wanted "More" of "Me"... He wanted a relationship with me. Little things I did started to irritate him...one thing lead to another, till finally he got upset one too many times and made his accusation. I assured him it was nothing to be upset over, but I believe it stemmed from something entirely different. So I made my decision, however...he did appoligise, but the damage was done.

 

I learned a few hard lessons very fast, and they are:

 

-Discounts in this business for being a great client can create a false sense of emotional attachment for some, read my clients better.

-Any time spent together, regardless of where and what, should still be considered a date.

-Keep it Business not too Personal.

-Don't keep allowing inappropriate behavior to continue, it gives a false sense of hope that I didn't intend to portray!

 

There are so many things to learn and know in our ever changing society on a constant basis. I just wanted to share this one and hear how everyone else viewed it, or if they would have done things differently. I know that there was some pain and hurt created which was not my intention by any means, but then neither is leading someone on, in a false pretence for my own selfishness which I nor anyone else I've ever met in this industry intends to do.

 

Again TY for the comments so far, and anymore that follow. xoxo

[Guest f***2f***]

Thanks for some of the clarifications. I think you've done the right thing as I stated earlier. I'm not sure that personal details are always a detriment to a good client/SP relationship though. I like to have a personal connection as it really deepens the experience. As long as we both remember our boundaries I can't see too much difficulty but of course it's never black and white is it? There may be things in both our lives that really should not be disclosed or discussed.

 

I like to know if the lady is worried or upset or happy or even elated. Some broad discussion around the whys and wherefores are usually helpful. eg. "It's my birthday and no one cared," or "It's my birthday and I'm so happy, let's celebrate!"

Knowing her likes and dislikes is important too...again it is just another way of making the experience pleasant and enjoyable.

 

Behavior you deem inappropriate should never be glossed over as you say. It leads to resentment and misunderstanding at the end of the day. You need to be really clear if something makes you feel uncomfortable or is a restriction for your clients.

 

Again you've done the right thing. You go girl!

[MiaBella 10988]

I agree with everyone else: you did the right thing. I'm glad that you followed your intuition. Nothing is more important for a companion than to have a well-developed sense of intuition and to be able to follow it. More than anything else, your intuition will keep you--and your clients--safe.

 

I am fond of many of my clients. I'm not ashamed of that, at all. I know myself: I am sensitive and emotional; I also have an absolute, strong need to be as honest with people in my life as I can be while maintaining a very firm boundary between my work and my personal life, between Samantha and me, the woman who is not her. Some aspects of the pre-screening I do with potential clients are less my physical safety than about my emotional and psychological safety. For example, if a man reminds me of someone in my past or present life and I'm uncomfortable with that, I won't meet with him. (Disclosure: I was an abused woman and I grew up in an abusive family. I know what triggers I need to avoid, even when the other person is unknowingly setting them off. That is, this is about me, not about them.)

 

In some ways, I liken what I do to the kinds of relationships therapists have with their clients. They're involved with their clients, they know them at an intimate level and, when things are going well, are trusted with the client's vulnerabilities and frailties. At the same time, their own lives, histories, stories, experiences and personal frailties are not features in the relationship. They are there to support and explore the client's needs, not their own, beyond the contractual aspects. What clients do, how they feel, what they say, the stories they tell--all of those things touch the therapist, sometimes profoundly. Nevertheless, these things arise in the context of a dynamic where confidentiality is so essential that it can't be broken for any reason unless the therapist's personal safety and well-being is at stake. (The safety and well-being of children with whom the client has contact must take first priority, but that's not germane in the SP/client dynamic.)

 

Maintaining good boundaries is as essential for paid companions as it is for therapists. To stay healthy, we need to be able to "turn off" being a companion at the end of the work-day, so to speak. While things we read, hear about, see or think at other times may inform what we do when we're working, if we carry our clients with us into every aspect of our non-working lives, unhealthy things start to happen. Our "real self" and our "companion self" become blurred. We may become emotionally or psychologically needy; we may start to build up expectations about the client that go beyond agreed-upon things like payment of fees, activities that we will or will not do, and safety considerations such as the use of condoms. We may also feel obligated to be available to clients in ways that do not pertain to a healthy, well-defined client relationship, such as taking their calls at all hours of the day and night; allowing them to make frequent, last-minute appointments (if this is not an aspect of our usual business model); cancelling commitments to family, friends and/or other clients in order to accommodate the client's requests; and perhaps even relaxing the boundaries of our work, such as having erotic contact in public places (which is illegal) when this is not an option that we've provided before; or taking risks such as providing bareback services when that has not been a feature of our regular work; or venturing into nknown areas and activities unsafely, such as experimenting with drugs with clients.

 

One of the seductions about our profession is that, if a woman thinks things through carefully and is able to provide top-notch service enthusiastically, and if she knows her market and how to appeal to it, she can make a considerable amount of money in a relatively short period of time. While most of us come into this profession because we have had a sudden need to earn a significant amount of money, once that need has been addressed and the related crises have been averted, we need to attend to our personal health and well-being in the form of making some sober, well-thought-out decisions about the amount of money we really need to earn and the number of clients we can reasonably see in the longer term. We also need to make firm decisions about how we will spend our non-working time. Every companion should have meaningful things to do when not meeting clients, answering e-mail, writing ads and working on her website. The paid companions who are passionate about non-work things in their lives maintain the best work-life balance and are best able to work, or retire, in strong and healthy ways.

 

I'm apologize if it seems that I'm preaching or lecturing or acting like a Mom! That's not my intention. What I really want to say is that, if you think that you had developed some needs and expectations that are outside the usual boundaries, I hope you'll pay attention to those. This can be one of the loneliest professions there is. Perhaps you were lonely and wanted to build a friendship with someone. Maybe you hadn't found ways to care for yourself and your real, human needs, but found that this particular client fulfilled some of those for you. It might be that you had been over-working and had become overtired and found that you could rest and relax in this man's company. It's possible that your real needs for affirmation, confirmation and support have been lacking in your own life and you might have gotten a little over-invested in the positive feedback and compliments he gave you--that is, your ego got hooked a little too much. It might even be that he made you feel needed and important when you hadn't been feeling that way in the rest of your life. If you can figure out what you may have needed from him, I'm sure you'll also be able to identify healthier ways to find those things outside of your work.

 

The last thing I want to say is that paid companions and clients do sometimes form genuine, durable, deeply loving and lasting relationships. Of course they do. We're human beings. But when this happens, in most cases I have known, the parties start over. He stops paying her or giving her money. She begins to involve him in her "real" life, and he involves her in his. They get to know each other as two people, as equals. Often, when this happens, the big issue they face will have to do with her work. Most men do not share their partners easily. She may need to retire or they may need to find ways to separate her profession from the realities of who she is as a woman, a partner and a friend. This may not be easy, but it does happen. I, for one, will not disparage anyone for building more love in this world.

 

You did the right thing with your client. Be proud of yourself! And be careful. Stay safe.

 

With respect and affection,

 

Sam

 

 

Samantha,

I totally agree with you and couldn't have said it better. I wanted to give your rep points, but I gotta Spread the Love!!

Hugs and Kisses to All. There is no wrong or right, but safety and happiness should always be #1.

xo

Mia

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Precious, it sounds like you've got a good handle on what happened in this relationship. You seem like a smart and thoughtful woman; I'm sure you're okay and that you'll do well.

 

One thing that concerns me a little bit is this. You said,

I pride myself too, for having the heart and soul for an unconditional mutual agreement... to share with many others simultaneously with little regard for myself.

If what you mean is that you feel you're able to put your client's desires at the centre of the dynamic between you, that's terrific. It's what we should be doing: our clients are paying for us to attend to them in many ways.

 

But if what you mean is that you think you're really able to have little regard for yourself generally . . . well that raises a flag for me.

 

Some clients--not very many, but a few--have very little regard for us as individual people. They may see us as services, experiences or merchandise. If we don't have considerable self-regard, things can get ugly, fast. Not necessarily violent, but degrading. My experience is that this is quite rare. The men I see are good guys who want both of us to have fun. But some people.... some people aren't able to recognize others as more than servants for their own desires. This is narcissism. Narcissists feast on others who for whatever reason sacrifice their own self-regard.

 

Personally, I have a very strong sense of myself. I know who I am, I know what I have to offer. I know my strengths and I am abundantly aware of my limitations. I am not the right companion for everyone who contacts me. Many of them are not the right clients for me, but they will very likely be terrific clients for someone else. I have a very strong sense of boundaries. (At times, this can be a problem in my personal life, where I may have trouble lowering my guard, but it is an asset in my working life.) I will not do anything that makes me feel demeaned or that violates my principles or ethics, no matter how much someone offers to pay me. Some find me to be arrogant, vain and egotistical, while I, on the other hand, usually experience those people as unduly controlling and self-centered. It is not my job to try to change anyone, and it is not my function to change myself for them, either.

 

I believe that my strength is a big part of what makes me successful. Clients have no need to worry that I will become needy, demanding or dependent in any way. I am not a threat to them, their security, their privacy or their families because I want only what they want: to exchange some time, some pleasure, some play and a good dose of passion, for some money. Period.