looking for insight

[R*d B**n 107]

Ok -to start, I'm a long time lurker here. I've always appreciated and enjoyed the reviews posted by regulars and have taken advantage of them to my benefit on numerous occasions over the past two years. For that, I thank you all. Now, however, I'm reached a crossroads of sorts. I've always struggled with the guilt of my encounters because I'm attached and have two young kids (5 and 7). Having said that, it has been my private encounters with the lovely ladies I've met through CERB that have sustained me in recent months. After yet another argument with my SO on the weekend, I felt something snap within me. Since that time, I just don't know if I can keep up the charade any longer. I want to walk away, but that last thing I want to do is hurt my kids. I've done a great job of gritting my teeth in recent years - sucking it in and avoiding conflict - but I feel so empty and alone, and I just don't know how much longer I can fake it. I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm sharing my frustration because you folks are a precious community to me, and I've met some really fabulous people through this site. I guess I'm just wondering if there are others out there in my shoes? All I care about anymore is my kids. I want to be there for them and would die if I have to be separated from them. Any thoughts on how to cope would be appreciated. thanks and sorry again for being such a downer!

 

RB

[d*mm*y 887]

I am on wife number three and not really faithful, well not at all faithful is probably more accurate. So I am probably the least likely guy on the planet to be giving marital advise. I am reasonably sure that if the relationship is strained it is strained on both sides, it is worth keeping. Take some time out with your SO, make sure that you guys go to diner alone together at least once a week, plan a mini vacation just the two of you a dirty weekend away and try to make things better. You feel a lot better about the hobby if your home life is sorted out, the last thing you want to be doing is hobbying out of need or desperation. It takes two people to break up a marriage as long as one is committed it will keep going, unless one of you meets someone eles and then it all comes apart, the SP's keep that from happening they don't want to have to look after you they just want to give you a little extra.

 

Good luck it may take a few tries to make it right. If things do come unglued the kids will be fine as long as both of you are committed to raising them in a healthy environment. Chateau Montebello is very secluded not a long drive and a great place for a dirty weekend!! Couples massage and spa Olympic sized swimming pool. lounge, bar and outstanding restaurant. You feel rich just being there!! It is a good place to start just drop the kids with the grandparents or aunts or brothers or whatever, tell them that you are desperate to save the marriage they will gladly chip in. :)

[Emma Alexandra 123366]

I have lived through the same thing for many years. I wanted to stay for my children's sake and did as long as i could take it. Then one very early morning almost 8 years ago i felt this overwhelming feeling....and i knew it was time to go. I awoke the boys and told them we were leaving.To my surprise my middle son stood and hugged me saying,"thanks mom".

 

Although it wasn't easy and is still tough at times ... being a mom and a dad i have to say it was worth it. My boys and i have never been happier. They are still in contact with their dad of course but they always tell me i'm both...lol

 

Staying for the sake of the children isn't in their best interest....i know your a man so things will certainly be different for the outcome....but think of both your children and your happiness..

 

kisses,

Emma A

[VedaSloan 119179]

Please keep in mind, I have no children, nor have I been married, but my best advice is to talk to your wife. Communicate with her, tell her how you're feeling, find out what she is feeling. Sometimes an honest reconnection and evaluation of the situation does wonders. Maybe it will lead to a divorce, maybe it will strengthen your marriage.

 

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck, it's a difficult situation to be in.

[E.D. man 691]

believe it or not , your kids can see yr unhappy in your marriage. sometimes being separated makes better communication and better up bringingfor you kids.

It could be more damaging to them staying together. Each situation is different and you have to do do what is right for you.

[antlerman 17064]

Remember that this is a HOBBY...something to do when time and money permits...not something you do to seek refuge in....like other have said....seeking refuge or hidding in the hobby can only build resentment and frustration.

 

I would really recomend that if you are having problems...take the first step to see a couples therapist.....by showing your vulnerable side and being the first to admit a problem goes a long way as a person as towards healing as a couple.

 

you may find you both have the same issues that can be easily dealt with.

 

do something for yourself...and as a couple that will hopefully make the kids bennifit in the end.

 

if it does not work out..then at least you gave it a good try and you have help available for you and the kids to get through it.....

[Loki318 1631]

This sounds sooo like me many years ago and more than once have wanted to just walk, and keep on going.....

 

Then i would look around at my friends and peer's the ones that were split or splitting were for the most part miserable, and seriously broke, the ones that were together were not much better, and one day I asked the male half of a together couple how they did it, stayed and stayed happy?

After a long talk I realized that he was no different than any one else but they just were handling it better. It was about then that I decided to stay together no matter what, for the kids but not just for the kids for now but for their future, what i mean there is I realized that in a "split" all the assets are divided 3 ways hers mine and the Lawyers, and tween her and the Lawyer I would have nothing and nothing to pass on to the kids and their kids. This isn't the "right" decision for everyone but has been for me).

 

You mention the Guilt, I don't know when I learned how to handle that maybe it was when I started to suspect that she had some on the side or when the family Doc confirmed it when she said "You caught that from your wife". (a minor sti ) [in reference to another thread, the only sti I ever had I caught from my SO ]

 

I think and this is just my opinion you need to ask your self how involved you want to be in your kids life, in this way if you decide to stay you are staying for you and your desire to be a large part of their life... When I decided to stay I became a lot more involved with them. I joined the Scouting movement with my son :) (I never hobbyed on weekends any way), I got involved with the extracurricular school groups the girls were in etc etc..... Just spent ever minute I could with the kids and even some time the SO LOL, as they got older we, (the kids and I) started a small part time business that they could be a part of and we spent even more time together DJing parties, weddings, School dances and even bars. I miss that, the kids are all grown up and moved on now.

 

I think you need to look at what you fight about we never really fought it more like a series of "cold wars" over stupid little things, never about money we have both had separate banks and accounts and the household expense have always been split; as in she pay this, I pay that, she pay this, I pay that, divide the mortgage, she has her car and I have mine. We have both had good employment over the years. If the issues that we had fought about had been major I am sure that we wouldn't have made it ..this far.. LOL It isn't over till it is over and it isnt over.... yet ;) Pick your battles and remember she has to win some too, if she wins a big one you can even say "sorry" but dam that hurts LOL JK

 

As Dumpy says spend some quality time together, this time of your life with the kids at that age is very very trying on a relationship, and time away from them is necessary for every one, even the kids.

 

I guess no one can tell you what is best for you each situation is different but from what I have seen over the years staying is allmost always than leaveing if there are issues.

 

Good luck

Loki318

[mayou 100]

Hi RB,

 

I have to say that I understand you. I also have a so and young ones and although I have never been with a service provider, I have been to a massage therapist. I felt really guilty also. I think that that has stopped me from seeing a SP. I think that for me, seeing a MT once in awhile (when the need arises) will probably be the most action I will have.

 

My wife and I argue but after a while cooler heads prevail. Also, our sexual libido is not the same. So sometimes I am really frustrated and the littlest of things could make me mad. So I have to remind myself that not all women are in sync with men. I thing that spending time together is the key to a good relationship.

 

I wish you luck.

[YoungStud 468]

What an amazing thread! And what good advice from everyone.

[captain 160]

indeed a good thread, points from every post touched an aspect of my previously failed marriage.... for years I knew our marriage was falling apart, and I prepared for it, and how as dumpy said if one of us would find somebody else it would end, well she did find some guy.... which was actually great, as the guilt was killing her when I busted her. Lies, deceit, etc. He was an american, and he drove from the US to pick her up overnight, and she was pregnant only 2 weeks later.....married 5 weeks after the divorce was legit.

 

If you know it's gonna crash and burn, be smart, like I had been hiding all my earnings for 2 years and kept us broke as could be, so when we did the deed, I just wrote her a cheque from my company, and she smiled and took the high road thinking she struck gold... the key here, after reading all the comments, is EVERY relationship is completely different!! It does take time after the split up to put it all together, and find any common ground with other friends who divorced... but no 2 situations are the same...

 

If you wanna save it, you can. I know I could have if I pleaded with her, and did as dummpy said and worked my magic, and she would have stayed, but I knew I was unhappy and miserable and wanted her to leave....

 

you need to really search deep in your heart.... don't stay for the kdis if you are unhappy, it is your life, and you have to live it, and be happy in your own skin. I know I have enjkoyed the last 2 years ridiculously too much.... but again, most of that happiness for me, is because of how bad my marriage was to begin with. I had zero freedom. zero ability to do as I pleased. I was the sole income earner, the chef, the maid, and the sugar daddy. I was living in the "spare room" for years, and so on, and so on.... Now, being free, I go out, when I want, spend what I want, see whom I please, my relationship with my family haven't been this close in almost a decade, they had nearly dwindled to non existence, thanks to a wife who hated everybody..... :)

 

Anyway.... well, good luck in yours, it took me years to get the courage to say ... I want out, but she was thinking it too, and whe she found that new SO it made it too easy, so I was just very lucky!!

[R*d B**n 107]

Hi all -

 

I just wanted to thank all of you for your thoughts. Your input was much appreciated and has helped me enormously in sorting out my thoughts. Dummpy - your points are well taken. Time away with the SO is great idea and is something that my wife and I have tried to on a semi-regular basis in recent years. As it stands, we've not done so for a while, so I'm thinking that it's time that we do so. There's nothing like a few nights in a hotel to get reconnected, so I'm thinking I'll try to arrange something for sooner, rather than later. As for the guilt, I was telling someone in a PM earlier today that it's something that gets the best of me from time to time, but as I reflect on things, I'm equally conscious that the hobbying sustains me. My kids mean to world to me and there's absolutely no way in the world that I want to be the outsider looking in, watching my kids grow up from afar. I find the rewards of the day-to-day to be so great, that I'm (at least for now) prepared to live with the less than satisfactory relationship that my wife and I share. And, it's not as if I haven't told her how I feel. We went for counselling about 4 years ago and about once every six months I point out how frustrated I feel. It makes little difference. My wife is into the kids - that's it. All her affection is directed towards them, with none left over for me. She's admits to it rather matter-of-factly, and seems not to care that I'm unhappy about it (well not enough to change her ways). Having said that, we get on very well most of the time. There are rough days, but we share common values and agree on most things. I suppose that's the main reason why I stick around. I'm certain the alternative (at least for now) is worse. I want to be there for the loose teeth and the tears and the early morning hockey practices and the delight that comes with being in a child's young life. The question is - will a day come when I just simply cant take to loneliness anymore? That's the odd thing. My hobbying is as much about the affection as much as it is about the sex. That's what make CERB so great - it helps fill a void in my life, providing me with the types of contacts that help me get through the rough patches. I thank you all for that. I'm back from the brink and I credit your willingness to share your diverse perspectives (both publicly and privately) as key reasons for keeping me afloat.

 

take care, RB

[YoungStud 468]

Hey, man, that's a rough go, buddy. All I can say is, if it reaches a point when you're too unhappy to be a good dad most of the time, time to change the daily living arrangement. Better for all concerned. Tough call to make and there's no easy way to do it, but doing it in a controlled way is better than doing it in an out of control way.

[capitalman 3861]

I've always found that when you open up a bit, that's when you're able to get the shit stuff out and make room for some good stuff in there.

[Guest f***2f***]

Well I'm coming in a bit late but I just noticed the thread.

I am you 20 years later. My kids are now grown and gone and in their twenties so the house is empty except for me and her.

I've known for 20+ years that I don't love this woman anymore and she does not meet my needs sexually or emotionally and yet I've hung in. Why?

 

At first it was for the kids. I was there for them...the loose teeth, the early morning hockey and sports (fuck those arenas are cold at 0530) and it really was a joy...one I would not want to have missed. All those years I remained somewhat faithful. I went to strip clubs and had a handful of sps.....not any more than 3 or 4. I never started an affair with another woman, although there was no shortage of opportunity, I just didn't want the distraction and expense.

 

A year ago I started working here while my spouse remained at our old location. I started hobbying almost immediately as I was super lonely and the lonliness of my marriage all seemed to finally come to a head. As a result I tend to become a little "over attached" to an sp when I find one i really get chemistry with. I crave tenderness and the little quiet moments after sex that I've missed all these years.

 

Things came to a head last week when she discovered my hobby through a stupid mistake on my part. Now we have some decisions to make. She wants to hang in and try to work things out. I'm just tired of it all but scared of the unknown and as others have stated the financial crunch will not be pretty.

 

On my own I feel lonely and incomplete so i'd probably be ripe to fall right into a relationship...hopefully one where my emotional and sexual needs are matched to hers.

I can tough it out with her if we come to an arrangement....we are good friends, similar values, hobbies (except for one), similar family backgrounds etc. We like each other but the spark and passion is not there.

 

So this is what you have to look forward to...because your story is mine also.

Good luck....

[bylogger 136]

Interesting thread, interesting advice.

 

One detail. The wife. In the advice above, getting away for a romantic weekend, and such, misses the point. However, the advice about talking with your wife, gets it.

 

It is more important to listen, to provide your partner with opportunities to express herself, than to offer up your own solutions. After all, you already know what is in your head. But you do not know what is in hers.

 

If there is a romantic getaway, a rebuilding of the relationship, both partners need to participate, both need input, and that means the talkative person needs to learn to listen, and the silent one needs to learn to talk.

 

Best wishes,

[d*mm*y 887]

Interesting thread, interesting advice.

 

One detail. The wife. In the advice above, getting away for a romantic weekend, and such, misses the point. However, the advice about talking with your wife, gets it.

 

It is more important to listen, to provide your partner with opportunities to express herself, than to offer up your own solutions. After all, you already know what is in your head. But you do not know what is in hers.

 

If there is a romantic getaway, a rebuilding of the relationship, both partners need to participate, both need input, and that means the talkative person needs to learn to listen, and the silent one needs to learn to talk.

 

Best wishes,

 

Those weekly diners out are an avenue to open up the lines of communication. Marriage and any relationship is about the value that you represent to another person. If someone sees value in you they are attracted to you. like any sales job (and showing your value is selling yourself) who ever is doing the talking is doing the buying! SO shut up and listen. Sometimes it's fun to show up with reservations on the spur off the moment and sweep her off her feet, but is she is not interested in being swept it is far better to decide when and were and consider it a working weekend, your own personal marriage workshop.

[simon_templar 161]

Red Baron, I really feel for you and like IGOTABONER, I went through a similar situation approx 10 years ago.If it helps you in your decision-making process I went the other direction and chose not to stick with my spouse and family!

 

This was NOT an easy decision; it had been a second marriage for me and I really wanted to make it work! Unfortunately, after the birth of my son (a couple of years into our 'joyful bliss") all physical and emotional contact with my spouse had gone the way "of the VHS tape". Where in many ways, I still felt her to be my emotional and mental counterpart, in terms of physical and intimate contact there was a cold void. She became extremely argumentative, distant and when she was moody, "there was no need for air conditioning"! I had certainly made my fair share of mistakes and am the first to admit that I was not the easiest person to live with. I suggested counselling several times and she was unwilling to attend, protesting that she did not believe in the process.

 

To further complicate the issue, my son has a significant learning disability and I worried (and probably continue to do so) what irreparable harm a maritial dissolution would cause him. His handicap not only affects his mental capacity but also poses a significant strain on his emotional condition.

 

There was every reason to stay and make it work! What finally swayed me was my realization that my unhappiness, however much I tried to manage it, was starting to and would continue to affect my son's "well-being". I am happy to say that he "weathered the storm well" and although I only see him on weekends our relationship is stronger!!

 

Where my story strays from the normative is that when I left my family, I was an emotionally shattered person and proceeded to have a very "sef-destructive" relationship with a dancer. My loneliness and "need" for intimacy led to a very manipulative situation. Eventually, I became emotionally, morally and financially bankrupt!

 

My life is better now as I finally found some support and it is here that I wanted to pass on "some sober second-hand advice". What I have come to realize is that although I could control my physical presence in the marriage, I could not manage the emotional resentment that a life of loneliness built up. One of the common terms my medical collegues have used is a..."Good Boy, Bad Boy" dichotomy. That, you can only function for a set period of time with actions predetermined under a "Good Boy" analogy before you end up rebelling and exhibiting behaviour best labelled as reflective of a "Bad Boy" nature.

 

Basically, what I would offer is that you seek conselling on your own! Counsellors won't make your decision for you, but they will ensure that when you finally decide to take one path or the other, that it is a decision made with a 'healthy" mindset. While keeping your marriage together is a noble venture be careful you don't become "Don Quixote" and pursue a fruitless quest. The moral imperative directs that you stay with your family to make everyone happy; but keep in mind the you alone cannot make others happy. The only person that you can make happy is yourself.

 

I wish you well!!!!!!!!

[R*d B**n 107]

Sometimes my blood runs cold as I read these messages because I see parts of my life being told to me through another lens. It's chilling, to say the least! It's interesting, I just came off a four month stint of counseling during which I did not on one occasion talk about my relationship with my wife or any of the frustrations that I've shared here! It was the strangest thing - I wanted to talk about it, but a part of me felt almost ashamed - a failure. I think I know why, too. I knew that if I opened that door, it would become too real and that I would have no choice but to deal with it. In a sense, I wasn't yet ready to let the genie out of the bottle. Now I've spilled my beans here - on my terms, in a safer space - and it's not as hard to express myself as I thought it would be. And, again, I know why. I knew that talking about my unhappiness would also mean talking about my visits to SPs, etc..., and I did not want to be judged for that. Here I know I will more easily be understood. I'm in a better headspace ever since I posted the message that launched this thread a couple of weeks ago. I've been really grateful for the intelligent and thoughful replies and feel greater control over my circumstances than in a long time. I also feel a lot less alone. I'll keep you folks posted on my trials and tribulations. Something's gotta give at some point!