The silent treatment

[drlove 37202]

I've always interpreted the silent treatment as a manipulative tool to exert power over the victim. It's meant to demonstrate superiority, and it's bullying and emotional abuse. (Note: This is different from silence used as a temporary cooling-off period.)

 

I can't speak directly to spousal situations, but I can to situations dealing with friends (many long years ago). My approach is to tell the perp - "Talk to me when you're ready". Then I stop trying to initiate conversation.

 

I tried this approach with one of my ex gfs when she decided to give me the silent treatment for awhile. Unfortunately, taking a mature, rational approach didn't work with her since as I later found out she was emotionally unstable (diagnosed BPD). She felt that because I didn't "chase" it meant that I didn't care about her, which wasn't the case at all. Additionally, I found it very difficult to be angry with her, since not all of it was her fault. That is, no one asks to have a mental illness.

[Cara Silver 32412]

I had no idea the silent treatment was such an epidemic. It's sad :( I'm sorry for anyone who has experienced this. I agree with Dr love that maybe this person just wants to be chased. Perhaps the silence stems from insecurity? At any rate, it's not fun doing all the chasing and I guess I chase out of insecurity too.

 

I'd rather be chaste than chase.

 

That's probably the worst pun I've ever made.

 

xoxoxo A

[Athos 108589]

I tried this approach with one of my ex gfs when she decided to give me the silent treatment for awhile. Unfortunately, taking a mature, rational approach didn't work with her since as I later found out she was emotionally unstable (diagnosed BPD). She felt that because I didn't "chase" it meant that I didn't care about her, which wasn't the case at all. Additionally, I found it very difficult to be angry with her, since not all of it was her fault. That is, no one asks to have a mental illness.

 

I totally agree that in this context it is hard to be mad. At the same time, when dealing with someone suffering from a mental illness, I believe it is really important to not become a victim yourself. If the person isn't willing to get help, then sometimes you need to walk away for your own good.

 

Porthos

[drlove 37202]

I totally agree that in this context it is hard to be mad. At the same time, when dealing with someone suffering from a mental illness, I believe it is really important to not become a victim yourself. If the person isn't willing to get help, then sometimes you need to walk away for your own good.

 

Porthos

 

It's ironic really; She was 31 but acted like a 17 year old when she became emotionally dysregulated. During an argument, she would scream and curse, then hang up on me. She expected me to call her back and fight some more. Of course I didn't since I wasn't about to lower myself to that level of communication. That's the type of argument you have when you're in highschool and don't know any better. Same with the silent treatment - it's very childish and immature. She would do this to me when in her mind, I had done something that demonstrated I didn't care about her.

 

The fact that I didn't call her back and fight for her affection, or that I didn't chase in an effort to get her back provided the "proof" she needed to validate her convictions. Furthermore, the fact that I didn't buy into it, and that her games weren't working with me no doubt frustrated her. In the end, my lack of 'responsiveness' in this regard is what doomed the relationship. The ironic part is that if I had played along, we'd probably still be together. I know she wasn't the right one for me, but I still miss the sheer intensity of that particular relationship when things were going well - it was absolutely incredible!

[Athos 108589]

It's ironic really; She was 31 but acted like a 17 year old when she became emotionally dysregulated. During an argument, she would scream and curse, then hang up on me. She expected me to call her back and fight some more. Of course I didn't since I wasn't about to lower myself to that level of communication. That's the type of argument you have when you're in highschool and don't know any better. Same with the silent treatment - it's very childish and immature. She would do this to me when in her mind, I had done something that demonstrated I didn't care about her.

 

The fact that I didn't call her back and fight for her affection, or that I didn't chase in an effort to get her back provided the "proof" she needed to validate her convictions. Furthermore, the fact that I didn't buy into it, and that her games weren't working with me no doubt frustrated her. In the end, my lack of 'responsiveness' in this regard is what doomed the relationship. The ironic part is that if I had played along, we'd probably still be together. I know she wasn't the right one for me, but I still miss the sheer intensity of that particular relationship when things were going well - it was absolutely incredible!

 

 

We have to compare notes, cause it sounds like we may have dated the same chick!!! :icon_eek:

 

And I know what you mean about the intensity. In my case it still remains the single most intensely passionate relationship I've experienced. Fire burns!!! But sometimes I can still occasionally finding myself missing her.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Does anyone know why people do this? Someone in my life is giving me the silent treatment. It's something they do all the time. It's so painful and feels manipulative. I always end up begging them to talk to me and giving in to what they want because it hurts so much having them write me off. but then I feel played and resentful.

 

How do you deal with it? How do I get them to understand just how wrong this behaviour is? It's so passive aggressive and shaming. I always end up feeling sub-human.

 

Am I the only one to have someone like this in their lives?

 

merci beaucoup.....

 

It depends on what you have done to them. I'm known among my friends as the ice queen. If someone has done something to me that is bad, wrong and something I feel can't be forgiven, then I will give them the silent treatment but at the same time I am done with them. I won't give them an explanation because they are no longer anything to me. Is it passive aggressive? If you are going to continue the relationship, yes, it is but if the person no longer wants to have contact, they don't owe you anything. Giving someone the silent treatment is cruel because you don't know what the other person is actually thinking. And it will make the other person give in to what they want them to do. That is not good.

 

I've been in this situation lately where someone who I thought was a friend did something. I got tired of their games, bullshit, their problems where they didn't want to be held accountable and it was always everyone else's fault. She was either playing the victim or being arrogant to make herself feel better by putting others down or whichever was convenient to her that day. I don't want to go into detail but to make a long story short, she said some pretty mean things about me to another friend who told me the next day after I had been with them both the night before. Basically a two faced person.

 

She knew what she did and called me and called me with crying voicemails but I didn't bother to call back. I no longer want anything to do with her. So technically I gave her the silent treatment. I had been a friend to her, went out of my way to help her and this was the way she treated a so called friend. I'm done. I froze her out. Good riddence. I could not be friends with someone who was that toxic. Just trying to talk to that person was making me mentally tired because no matter what I would say, she would find a way to make it my fault or someone else's for her actions.

 

Now, if I am mad at someone and want to resolve the issue I will tell them. I'm known for being confrontational so if i've got something to say to you, I will tell you even if it's not what you want to hear. But if you've done something to me that I could forgive but not forget, then that is hard so my only other choice is the silent treatment because it's something I no longer choose to deal with especially if it's people who are causing toxicity, negativity or hurt in my life. In the past, I used to try and fix situations whether it was clients, friends or relationships but now I just walk. The less bullshit in my life the better. Silent treatment is the only way but it is a permanent silent treatment and these days I don't look back.