would you stop this?

[cat 262460]

I am going to have to respecfully disagree with point number 2. As many of the ladies have posted in other threads, escorting is unlike other professions, in that it requires the lady to give (if thats the right word) herself intimately to a man. If a potential boyfriend/husband asks or wants a monogomous relationship it doesn't necessarily mean control

as long as that is a two way street. Personally, I've never cheated in any relationship I've been in, but I would expect my g/f/wife to be monogomous too

And I'm not judging, because everyone has to do what is right for them. But it's not neccesarily a red flag to control a woman by asking for a monogomous relationship, any more than a girlfriend/wife asking her boyfriend/husband not to see any other woman

Just some thoughts

RG

 

You are correct, escorting is unlike any other PROFESSION. This is a job. When I work, I am not being unfaithful, I am working. After 25 years in this line of work I have yet to see a woman square up for a man where there wasn't some degree of a control issue at hand. I also have never seen a relationship succeed where the woman quit because her SO requested it. If she choses to leave on her own, without influence that is another story. If he knows what she does and has monogamy requirements then he shouldn't get involved with her to begin with. Given my experience, asking her to stop is and always will be a red flag for me...

 

cat

[Guest **cely***r***ne]

I would never stop anything I do for someone else, SO, friends, family.

The decisions I make in my life are for me to make, I love this work and I couldnt possibly see myself doing anything else.

This may be another topic but...

Ive tried to have a relationship while escorting, but it ends in heartbreak because they wanted me to choose. I will not have it. Theres just something about someone making me feel like MY path is not the one I should be on that.... well pisses me off.

 

If i tuned into the hopeless romantic side of myself, I would consider shorter days and tours for the true love of my life...but NEVER totally quit.

[Jim.Bean 241]

Am I the only happily married man that hobbies?:confused:

That's right happily married and hobbying. When my wife finds out(yes I do expect a when rather than an if) I doubt that I will quit.

I would rather be spending time hobbying then having an affair where I buld an emotional attachment that might interfere with my marriage.

Will she leave me? Hopefully not as I would be suprised if she didn't already know.

We have been married over 17 years and I have been hobbying for 15

[roamingguy 300292]

You are correct, escorting is unlike any other PROFESSION. This is a job. When I work, I am not being unfaithful, I am working. After 25 years in this line of work I have yet to see a woman square up for a man where there wasn't some degree of a control issue at hand. I also have never seen a relationship succeed where the woman quit because her SO requested it. If she choses to leave on her own, without influence that is another story. If he knows what she does and has monogamy requirements then he shouldn't get involved with her to begin with. Given my experience, asking her to stop is and always will be a red flag for me...

 

cat

 

Cat

First I believe everyone has to do what is right for them. That having been said my first point is that it is a two way street (yes, in a relationship I would like my wife/g/f to be monogomous, but I too,would be monogomous...I don't like double standards ) That in my opinion, is not control, that is two people entering a relationship, and everything that goes with it.

Second point, I think it is unfair to catagorize all men asking a lady to stop as controlling. Yes there may be some controlling men, but there are probably lots more that want a wife/g/f who will see only him, as he will see only her.

I do agree with you on one point. Getting involved with an SP in the hopes of a relationship not such a good idea. Someone hobbying for that purpose would be better advised to use Lava Life or eHarmony

RG

[quick25 137]

Wow.... Honestly I do not think that you can find a balance between these two.There are some rare cases as some people have mentioned here. Most people want the, you are the only person in their life sort of feeling. Most guys, including me would not want someone they are with to be a sp. It takes someone special to fill this role and for them I have much respect.

 

Cat

First I believe everyone has to do what is right for them. That having been said my first point is that it is a two way street (yes, in a relationship I would like my wife/g/f to be monogomous, but I too,would be monogomous...I don't like double standards ) That in my opinion, is not control, that is two people entering a relationship, and everything that goes with it.

Second point, I think it is unfair to catagorize all men asking a lady to stop as controlling. Yes there may be some controlling men, but there are probably lots more that want a wife/g/f who will see only him, as he will see only her.

I do agree with you on one point. Getting involved with an SP in the hopes of a relationship not such a good idea. Someone hobbying for that purpose would be better advised to use Lava Life or eHarmony

RG

[cat 262460]

Cat

First I believe everyone has to do what is right for them. That having been said my first point is that it is a two way street (yes, in a relationship I would like my wife/g/f to be monogomous, but I too,would be monogomous...I don't like double standards ) That in my opinion, is not control, that is two people entering a relationship, and everything that goes with it.

Second point, I think it is unfair to catagorize all men asking a lady to stop as controlling. Yes there may be some controlling men, but there are probably lots more that want a wife/g/f who will see only him, as he will see only her.

I do agree with you on one point. Getting involved with an SP in the hopes of a relationship not such a good idea. Someone hobbying for that purpose would be better advised to use Lava Life or eHarmony

RG

 

If a woman has an alternative profession that will ensure her income is not affected and she choses to leave escorting to pursue the relationship because she knows it makes her SO happy; then thats her choice. I respect that you are monogamous when involved in a relationship but not everyone shares the same definition of monogamy.

 

I do not catagorize all men as controlling, but to ask anyone to change their profession and means of supporting themselves due to a moral belief system is unfair and highly suspect imho. To ask someone to change for a relationship to work indicates the problem is in the asker. Why her profession threatening to him?

 

Society already ostracizes sex workers, we live in the fringe and to have someone you love say "Gosh, I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you but I can't accept you because of what you do for a living so you are going to have to make other arrangements or I won't be able to love you" can be devastating. Sit and think about it for a minute. Put yourself in her shoes. It means something about her is "wrong" and needs to be "fixed". I'm sorry I don't agree with that. The request undermines her, tells her something is fundementally off about herself. She will try, but it will impact her in ways you can't imagine. Regardless of the seemingly "together" appearance SP's put out in their branding, sex work doesn't attract women who have their shit together. It is the few who come into sex work knowing who they are and have their self esteem intact. The rest of us either use this business to find the real woman within or it leads us down a destructive path. We are all in the midst of figuring out life and this can be an empowering experience if it's allowed to be. For me it is the only life sphere that I have truly been successful in all areas of my life, spiritually, physically and emotionally simultaneously (except motherhood). It has cost me two relationships but if you are living in an inauthentic way just to have someone love you, is it really living? I don't think so.

 

As human beings we all want to be loved but to have conditions put on that love due to their work is unfair. If you love someone, you do not ask them to change something so fundemental for you. You love them for who they are and how they chose to make their living or you don't get involved. I have seen it dozens of times and it doesn't work. Ever. Don't ask, don't expect, just accept or move on.

 

 

cat

[VedaSloan 119179]

Part of the reason why I disclose my profession to potential lovers/partners is as a screening tool.

 

If they have issues with what I do, then I know they're not right for me.

[roamingguy 300292]

Part of the reason why I disclose my profession to potential lovers/partners is as a screening tool.

 

If they have issues with what I do, then I know they're not right for me.

 

And one thing I have said from the begining everyone has to do what is right for them

I just don't believe it is a red flag that a man is being controlling to want his wife/g/f to be monogomous as long as that is a two way street, and the man is monogomous too.

But I think we've flogged a dead horse over this, I'm tired from posting

Peace

Out

RG:D

[spfan69 105]

As a client, I would not stop if asked because I am in the "hobby" to have need met - not just getting off but the whole gamut of social/intellectual/physical contact. If there is not enough of that in my life with a SO, it must be expected that I will go elsewhere and SPs are a better choice than the bar scene.

For the female SP, she should have the same approach - if she has needs that are met by the business, she should refuse to stop. As with JuliasUndies, there are men out there who don't mind being in a SO relationship with an SP - I nearly fell madly in love with an SP and didn't mind what she did at all. Unfortunately, she moved away before I could make a play for the SO spot :sad:

[VedaSloan 119179]

And one thing I have said from the begining everyone has to do what is right for them

I just don't believe it is a red flag that a man is being controlling to want his wife/g/f to be monogomous as long as that is a two way street, and the man is monogomous too.

But I think we've flogged a dead horse over this, I'm tired from posting

Peace

Out

RG:D

 

There is a difference between a man asking his partner to be monogamous and asking her to quit her job.

[Guest G***f******]

There is a difference between a man asking his partner to be monogamous and asking her to quit her job.

 

True, but some jobs pose more of a strain on a relationship than others.

 

Especially dangerous jobs. If you are with someone who has chosen to be a firefighter, soldier or Alaskan crab fisherman, then you have two choices. Accept what they do and keep you fears to yourself, or talk to them about what scares you and risk them telling you the job is more important than you are.

 

But if the person you are with is important to you, you need to listen to their side of things as well and not just dismiss them as being controlling or insecure. At the end of the day, a job is what you do, not who you are, a lot of use forget that, and finding someone in this world who makes you want to get up in the morning for, is harder to find than another way of making money.

 

Just my opinion of course. Others may vary.

[GingerSweetheart 100]

Gobofraggle wrote:

If you are with someone who has chosen to be a firefighter, soldier or Alaskan crab fisherman, then you have two choices. Accept what they do and keep you fears to yourself, or talk to them about what scares you and risk them telling you the job is more important than you are.

 

There are so many interesting - and entirely valid - opinions on this thread. Myself, I know if I'd started this in my twenties, I'd have "given it up" for a SO. At the time, I gave other stuff up that was important to me and I regret it sorely now.

 

 

 

But being a service provider has opened doors into my psyche, sexuality and strengths I never knew I had and I know my life has become enriched for the experience. No occupation has fulfilled me in quite the same way. Give it up now if asked? Absolutely not. It is an occupation that is as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes or my freckles. Comes with the territory! And it's important to me that any SO would understand and accept that. If not, then it just isn't going to work for me (or him/her, either).

[VedaSloan 119179]

True, but some jobs pose more of a strain on a relationship than others.

 

Especially dangerous jobs. If you are with someone who has chosen to be a firefighter, soldier or Alaskan crab fisherman, then you have two choices. Accept what they do and keep you fears to yourself, or talk to them about what scares you and risk them telling you the job is more important than you are.

 

But if the person you are with is important to you, you need to listen to their side of things as well and not just dismiss them as being controlling or insecure. At the end of the day, a job is what you do, not who you are, a lot of use forget that, and finding someone in this world who makes you want to get up in the morning for, is harder to find than another way of making money.

 

Just my opinion of course. Others may vary.

 

This is my personal opinion, I'm not speaking for others, but I've never experienced ANY danger in my three and a half years of working. The notion that this work is dangerous stems from the fact that our work is criminalized and stigmatized, not from the work itself.

 

I tend to think that most men's so-called "fears" about this job as it relates to relationships are simply their own insecurities.

[Guest G***f******]

This is my personal opinion, I'm not speaking for others, but I've never experienced ANY danger in my three and a half years of working. The notion that this work is dangerous stems from the fact that our work is criminalized and stigmatized, not from the work itself.

 

I tend to think that most men's so-called "fears" about this job as it relates to relationships are simply their own insecurities.

 

First, you are right, some of it can stem from insecurities and from the views that many people hold about sex work, and not all fears are rational.

 

Just looking here on CERB, there are many ladies who have been doing this for a long time and have had nothing but positive experiences.

 

BUT at the same time, a quick glance through this weeks threads alone, finds stories about attacks on sex workers, harrasing clients who won't take no for an answer and POWERs 11 page letter to the OHRC on abuse at the hands of law enforcement. Those are just the fears of physical hazards, because they make it in the news more than anything else. There are also the fears of your SO getting sick, or getting arrested. Can those risks be minimized? Yes, but never down to 0.

 

So not all fears come down to insecurity alone, and when you care about someone, you worry about them.

 

The job may not be as dangerous as a SWAT team member, but you have to admit it does have more inherent risks than a CPA or real estate agent.

[Cato 160314]

Gobofraggle wrote:

 

There are so many interesting - and entirely valid - opinions on this thread. Myself, I know if I'd started this in my twenties, I'd have "given it up" for a SO. At the time, I gave other stuff up that was important to me and I regret it sorely now.

 

 

 

But being a service provider has opened doors into my psyche, sexuality and strengths I never knew I had and I know my life has become enriched for the experience. No occupation has fulfilled me in quite the same way. Give it up now if asked? Absolutely not. It is an occupation that is as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes or my freckles. Comes with the territory! And it's important to me that any SO would understand and accept that. If not, then it just isn't going to work for me (or him/her, either).

 

Excellent first post, Ginger! A warm welcome to you.

[VedaSloan 119179]

First, you are right, some of it can stem from insecurities and from the views that many people hold about sex work, and not all fears are rational.

 

Just looking here on CERB, there are many ladies who have been doing this for a long time and have had nothing but positive experiences.

 

BUT at the same time, a quick glance through this weeks threads alone, finds stories about attacks on sex workers, harrasing clients who won't take no for an answer and POWERs 11 page letter to the OHRC on abuse at the hands of law enforcement. Those are just the fears of physical hazards, because they make it in the news more than anything else. There are also the fears of your SO getting sick, or getting arrested. Can those risks be minimized? Yes, but never down to 0.

 

So not all fears come down to insecurity alone, and when you care about someone, you worry about them.

 

The job may not be as dangerous as a SWAT team member, but you have to admit it does have more inherent risks than a CPA or real estate agent.

 

I'm not trying to start an argument, but my point was that the dangers associated with sex work are not inherent to sex work. To quote Challenges: Ottawa Sex Workers Speak Out,

 

"It is not that the challenges identified in this report are inherent to sex work; it is the way our society chooses to regulate the trade, which is informed by stigmatic assumptions and the 'discourse of disposal' (Lowman, 2000); which are in turn legitimated by the laws that are its embodiment." (p. 112)

 

I'm not saying that fears are unfounded, just that what you fear is a result of the law and associated stigma, not the profession itself, as would be the case of an Alaskan crab fisherman.

[Guest High***d****an-Can***]

Personally speaking, I believe timing is everything. If my business is taking off and I am still enjoying the escort experience, than I don't see myself stopping for anyone on request.

 

However, If I have reached a stage in my life where I feel being an escort is no longer satisfying and wish to pusue motherhood or marriage instead, then I would consider an offer to stop ... ultimately depending on my feelings for the gentleman.

 

This is to assume I am a single woman.

 

If my husband requested that I stop and it was threatening my marriage, even though a fight would ensure, I might cave in.

[Guest G***f******]

Not an argument, a discussion. :D

 

I'm not trying to scare anyone, or dissuade people from their chosen profession. The topic is relationships. Regardless of the root cause, you acknowledge that the popular fears and perhaps misconceptions exist, and for a reason.

 

The opinion of some was that a partners objection to sex work stem from their need for control, I was simply trying to give a different point of view, that for some it may stem from concern about someone they care about, and if you care about them as much as they do you, should be discussed, and not simply be dismissed.

 

My job has me working late hours, and away a great deal. If it was a serious complaint from someone I was with, I would talk to them about it. I love my job too, but it's just a job, and I would need to ask myself which is more important to me. Which fulfills my life more, her or my work. The answer may be work, but I think it'll depend on the person.

 

I'm not trying to start an argument, but my point was that the dangers associated with sex work are not inherent to sex work. To quote Challenges: Ottawa Sex Workers Speak Out,

 

"It is not that the challenges identified in this report are inherent to sex work; it is the way our society chooses to regulate the trade, which is informed by stigmatic assumptions and the 'discourse of disposal' (Lowman, 2000); which are in turn legitimated by the laws that are its embodiment." (p. 112)

 

I'm not saying that fears are unfounded, just that what you fear is a result of the law and associated stigma, not the profession itself, as would be the case of an Alaskan crab fisherman.

[Annessa 22743]

I have to say, I really needed this thread tonight. I've been preparing the new potential SO for the truth about what I really do for a living and all kinds of things have been going through my head tonight.

 

"what if he decides he doesnt want to be with me because of what i do?" being the main thing.

 

"what if he asks me to quit?" being the next

 

I've been tossing and turning all night picturing what I would do instead of what has made my life so much better and happier for the past 3 years....and I came up with nothing.

 

Cats views especially have been very enlightening....all great arguments here about the unfairness of asking someone to quit their job. If I'm to make a sacrifice...then what is an SO willing to sacrifice for me in return? I can only see myself resenting someone who asks me to change in exchange for their love.

 

Deep breaths now...wish me luck breaking the news, everyone

[alberta 222]

In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to deal with the drama and stress, unfortunately Annessa there always seems to be tough decisions to be made, none more so than yours. Good luck.

[Annessa 22743]

In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to deal with the drama and stress, unfortunately Annessa there always seems to be tough decisions to be made, none more so than yours. Good luck.

 

Well a relationship is never easy, its full of tough decisions....personally I just feel nauseous thinking about but I'm sure I will feel a lot better when I'm honest. Thanks for the good luck...I still havent decided when I'm going to tell him...but I have a feeling it will have to be sooner than later

[canuckhooker 19202]

Well there are a couple of answers to this thread. Would I stop hobbying at the request of someone else? Quite probably not. I am not a monogamous person, and I don't think monogamy is in our nature. Seeing sex workers is an excellent way to meet that need. I could see me slowing down my hobbying because I wanted to, because the person I am with keeps my eyes from wandering etc, but I would never promise to stop. If I did I would set myself up to be a liar at some point down the road. That is not me.

 

As for an SP being asked to stop, there are two possible scenarios. Either the person knew you were an SP when you met, or they didn't and it would be a surprise.

 

The second is more problematic and can go only one of two ways when they found out. They will either be accepting, or they will run. Sorry, but that is the hard truth and not everyone out there is open minded enough to handle a partner who is in this business.

 

However if you knew the person was a sex worker when you met, (particularly if you were at sometime a client) and you are asking them to stop, well that is just plain wrong. It is asking someone to make a huge sacrifice. It makes it seem what they are doing now is wrong, when at the time you met it was quite acceptable. I think that kind of request is unreasonable, unfair and motivated out of self-interest rather than the interests of the person you are seeing. It opens up the opportunity for all sorts of emotional blackmail. Your jealousy has become someone else's problem. If you want to be the SO of a sex-worker then you get the whole package. Asking them to stop is selfish, hypocritical and the height of arrogance.

 

Worse than that, if you meddle in their business, which I am sure the person who makes that kind of request will do, then you are no better than a pimp. You either accept what they do or you don't. It is your problem, not the sex worker's.

[castle 38816]

Well a relationship is never easy, its full of tough decisions....personally I just feel nauseous thinking about but I'm sure I will feel a lot better when I'm honest. Thanks for the good luck...I still havent decided when I'm going to tell him...but I have a feeling it will have to be sooner than later

 

Sooner rather than later is probably a good idea. That nauseous feeling will just get worse the longer you wait. I speak from experience.

[gqsleeman 107]

I'm sure every situation is different ...but I couldn't see myself asking a SP to turn her life upside down for me. You're basically asking for them to dismiss both their independence and livelihood. If I happened to connect with one in which the relationship moved beyond the boundaries of this service industry, I would have to accept what she does upfront. I'll admit, that would be a tough thing for me personally ...but I would either accept that reality or remain friends and move on.

 

If at some point she were to establish her independence in some other fashion and decided it was right to move on, a whole other matter.

[Origin 268]

Speaking for me only.

If I was in a committed relationship, then I wouldn't hobby. And in every relationship I've been in, I have been 100% faithfull.

And as a hobbiest I would never be presumptious to ever tell a lady to give up the business...actual kinda hypocritical imho (unless the sp/hobbiest fell in love, and both quit to pursue a relationship...but does "Pretty Woman" really happen except in the movies)

RG

 

I also share this philosophy as a hobbist.

 

However, if I did love an SP and she loved me it would be very difficult to realize that she was with other men in the way that I was with her. I know it is only a physical thing but still...you guys are animals, and I hate knowing what you were doing to my woman! lol.

If she was doing it as a means of financial security, as this is the path she chose to do so, i would suck it up..it would be hard.

However, I would want to take her in an support her finacially so she would not need to do this if that was the case. I always wanted the woman I love not to worry about anything so it would not matter if she was an SP, a hairstylist, buisness woman, or doctor, i'd wouldnt want her to worry about money and security.

 

So we would have a talk so I could understand her intentions for working and we could go on from there.