open relationships: monogamous vs poly-amorous

[Guest ***t***iv***]

is monogamy overrated? if so, would you really be able to have a poly-amorous relationship?

 

my reasoning:

I am currently in a relationship, and, while being in this line of work does mean I don't feel a strong desire to 'stray' because I already enjoy the benefit of having multiple partners, if I wasn't a working girl or if/when I retire, I am afraid I would probably not be able to maintain the relationship successfully, monogamously. I had recently dared to mention this to my S.O., who is supportive 100% of what I do for work. Kind of venturing out to see if I could get a 'hall pass' if needed at any point down the road, and kind of wondering about being able to have a committed, yet open relationship outside of the industry. From someone as openminded as being able to date a call girl, I have to say I was surprised to hear that my S.O. would basically rather have me all to themselves if I wasn't working. Quite a double standard if you ask me.

 

my thoughts:

I don't think people are meant to be monogamous. When I am in a happy relationship, I have found that being this line of work usually satisfies THE desires that I DO have (on occasion) to stray. However, I am human. I have chemical reactions to certain individuals. I am more than capable of experiencing attraction whilst harboring love and devotion for my S.O. and our lives together. Once, I was actually dumped because I was apparently 'too much of a sexual person'. What difference does acting on it vs. not acting on it actually have on the relationship? which causes greater emotional damage and which is most likely to create an enduring relationship? My belief is that if you are truly committed to each other and possess an understanding of chemical attraction being part of human nature, there should be no reason why you shouldn't let your S.O. satiate their craving, as long as you know they are coming home to be your S.O. afterwards. I wouldn't want my S.O. go so far as to leave me if they wanted to experience someone who they felt a strong attraction to, because I love my S.O. that much. I would want them to scratch their itch and come home relaxed, happy to see me and realizing that they made the right choice.

 

I've been in situations where I've been in a relationship, experienced the flutter of attraction and not acted on it. it drove us apart anyway when later on I left because i wanted to experience a variety of people.

 

I've also been in situations where I've experienced the attraction and acted on it. It ended the relationship because my S.O. at the time wanted exclusivity, and as soon as it did I realized what I wanted most was sitting there waiting for me at home. but i lost it.

 

I don't believe what you want most in your deepest most truest desires changes based on the introduction or removal of a chemical attraction. once it fades, and it always does, one way or the other you want the same things you wanted when you settled down with your S.O., romantic, practical attraction and the attributes you value in a longstanding relationship.

 

so, thoughts on the matter?

[wildstallion 1819]

I believe that match.com will have a tough time finding you a match.lol.

 

For myself I couldn't have a a relationship like you are suggesting but I am not the sharing type person. I am sure there is someone out there for you and you should never settle till you get what you are truly happy with. JMTC's.

[Guest C***ry Di+**]

Poly can work as long as everyone is on the same page.It needs to be, imo, a very open and honest thing. As long as everyone's feelings are respected and validated and whatever "rules" are decided are kept, it can be a very fulfilling an wonderful life. I agree about monogamy not being for everyone. I am happiest when I am poly.

[etasman2000 15994]

From someone as openminded as being able to date a call girl, I have to say I was surprised to hear that my S.O. would basically rather have me all to themselves if I wasn't working. Quite a double standard if you ask me.

 

Or your S.O. makes a distinction between working Sugar and personal Sugar and personal Sugar is all his/hers.

[VedaSloan 119179]

It is totally possible! I am currently in poly relationship with my common-law partner of seven years. I have a secondary relationship that's been going on for the last three. Everyone knows about each other and both of them know what I do for a living. Here's the thing--it is unrealistic to assume that one person can fulfill all of your sexual and/or emotional needs. But that doesn't mean that there isn't enough love to go around if you are considering polyamory. A mother loves each of her children, no matter how many she has. You are only limited by time.

 

The key is communication, communication, communication. And this means a couple of things:

 

1. Don't assume.

 

2. Tell your partner how you're feeling and why when things like insecurity or jealousy arise (because they will--no one is perfect). And be honest and to the point. Don't be vague or try to make your partner guess.

 

Also, get yourself a copy of the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. ASAP.

 

Good luck!

[loopie 15358]

I don't define love as having a monopoly on somebody else's genitals. Monogamy is just how some relationships work and others not. If two people completely sexually satisfy each other, then I'm happy for them. I've been in many relationships where my partner completely sexually satisfied me, so I know it's possible. But it's not an achievement, and you shouldn't have to feel like you're "working for it" or "resisting temptation". If you're in a monogamous relationship, you shouldn't even think about it, it should just be the way things shake out naturally. So I don't really see any joy in monogamy itself, rather the joy is in the person with whom you're monogamous.

 

And I agree with Berlin, it's pretty silly to expect one person to satsify all your social, sexual, physical, and emotional needs. I think lots of people throw out perfectly good relationships because they're sexually mismatched when they could hold onto that good relationship and value what it's good for while finding part or all of their sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

[roamingguy 300291]

I can't say monogamy is better (or worse) than poly-amorous. As long as each partner is comfortable with the relationship choice (monogamy or poly-amorous) they are in, then that is the right choice for him/her. But both partners have to be on the same page, and not forced into a relationship "style" the other partner wants

A rambling for whatever that's worth

RG

[MiaBella 10988]

I don't think you can ever say one would be better than the other. The reality of the situation is that no one person is the same, as is no relationship.

 

I can see how both could work as well as fail.

Also, just because you were poly with a certain partner or two and were happy and all worked out, doesn't mean that in the future you'll be poly with another and be happy.

 

I think all relationships are beautiful and wonderful if people are honest and there are real caring feelings being shared. That's the most important thing.

 

I've experienced both, and nothing is better than being with the people you care for, regardless if others are involved or not.

 

Whatever makes you happy and works at that moment. :icon_biggrin:

[Malika Fantasy 144625]

For a long time I thought I was monogamous, even if I am still young...I was raised that you are suppose to love only one person all your life...but then again why 70% of marriages end in divorce?

 

I cannot be 100% fulfilled with one person...

 

1) I am truly bisexual, so I need both a man and woman around me.

2) I demand a lot of my partners and lovers. More then one person can actually take. I am passionate about life and others things that make it extremely hard for one only to handle

3) I am kinky. I know it may sound stupid to say that in open relationship thread, but a small percentage of the population is actually kinky the way that *I* consider it...so often I want a part of the person but not their love per say.

 

Also with this lign of work, it is hard to find someone that can meet ALL of what I need and be okay with the fact that I am an escort. I use to be a serial monogamous dater, I would date someone for one month, be single one week, date again. I would settle for someone that would show interest in me...now I know better. I don't settle for less then what I truly want.

 

At this present moment, I am not *dating* anyone in the way that most people would understand it. Though I do have 3 persons in my life that I care for, that we play, have sex, talk, cry together...but I am not in love with them. Actually when I think about it, I don't fall in love easily.

 

But as long as all party are aware of the fact that you are poly, and agreed with it...life and embrace it. It took me a while to accept the fact that it is actually okay to be with more then one person! But now that I did accepted that...I feel way more happy about myself and my relationship/friendship.

 

as Berlin said, every person that think that they may be poly should read The Ethical Slut, it's a really good book:)

[Daniel17 3616]

I respectfully disagree that it's impossible to find someone who can fulfill all the needs of a person, whether it be sexual, emotional, physical, etc. I think it is possible (how easy it is to find that person is a whole new bag of worms) to find that person, it just can take some time. I don't know if you any of you ever watch How I Met Your Mother (greatest show ever), I always wish I was more like Barney Stinson, but in reality I guess I'm more like Ted Mosby. I've been in numerous relationships, some of have ended well, some have ended not so well, but in all of them, I did feel she fulfilled those needs, and didn't feel the need to search for someone else. I'm a glass half full type of person, I suppose.

 

I do believe in monogamous relationships, I do not think they are over-rated. I might be in the minority here, but it's just what works for me.

 

At the same time though, what works for me, doesn't mean it works for everyone else. Although, I disagree with poly type relationships, it doesn't mean they are wrong. I still respect those people the same as anybody else is.

 

The truth is, I don't think there is a right or wrong relationship. Both have an immense type of benefits and both can work. As long as all parties involved in the relationship are all on the same page, and there is honesty, that's all that matters. Honesty is the key policy and as long as that is there, then you'll always have a a working relationship, and that's what matters.

[Guest f***2f***]

This is a toughie. I've been wondering about this one for a while too. I think it has to be totally discussed at the outset of relationships in order to work, either way. It's good to know what expectations are from the outset. I was in an exclusive for many years and that certainly was discussed from the outset...it was expressed by my SO that wandering would not be tolerated...zero tolerance and when that happened it ended fairly quickly.

 

I've avoided exclusives since then but must say that it is probably my default setting and can't entirely rule it out. In a perfect world I'd love to try the poly-amorous thing but I've yet to meet a woman who is totally on board with it. It does sound complicated though I must admit.

[etasman2000 15994]

There is currently approximately 7 BILLION people on this planet. To say that one is better then another is to trivialize the richness and variation of the human psyche and our unique relationship needs.

 

What I am willing to say is individual circumstance, social upbringing, personality allows a better fit to monogamous or polyamorous relationships.

 

Can monogamy work ? Yes.

 

Can polyamory work ? Yes.

 

Do each have their own unique set of challenges ? Yes.

 

Since The Ethical Slut has been mentioned (which surprisingly I haven't read) I would recommend Opening Up by T. Taormino, The Sex and Love Handbook by Kriss & Rozz Heinlein, and Feeling Good by D. Burns (just for good measure ;) )

 

Lastly, find your own happy place.

[scribbles 6031]

I've known poly people, and I've known lots of monogamous people. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.

 

I was married to a woman who was bi and became a dancer. Neither bothered me. Nor did it bother me that she had girlfriends, none of which I played with (dammit). Rationally, or intellectually, I don't think we are naturally monogamous. I believe you can love more than one person, equally but differently. And, I don't believe sex has to be about emotion and love, though it makes it better. I also believe one person *can* satisfy you completely, sexually.

 

But...

 

I also know that I'm just not evolved enough to feel comfortable sharing a partner with another man. A woman, no problem. But, a man is threatening. This is where my rational self and my lizard-brain self are at odds. And, I don't think too many women are looking for a guy who will be the only penis in her life, even though she can have all the ladies she likes.

[da2root 871]

I also know that I'm just not evolved enough to feel comfortable sharing a partner with another man. A woman, no problem. But, a man is threatening. This is where my rational self and my lizard-brain self are at odds.

 

I totally agree with that. Rational or not I'm in the same boat as you.

 

Up to this point in life I've been in totally monogamous relationships. It's what works for me (for the most part). But with that said I've been single for 3 years because of a monogamous relationship gone bad. That's actually why I've turned to SP's.

 

I have a hard time keeping my emotions out of sex- traditionally in life once I have sex with a girl I get VERY emotionally attached. I wanted to void myself of that drama as I'm very busy with work and school right now.

 

I think I'm hard wired to want to be monogamous, but I don't think there's anything wrong with relationships of other statuses. As long as there is honesty in the relationship(s) and everyone is happy, then I think it's a working relationship and there's nothing wrong with that...

[VedaSloan 119179]

I just want to clarify my pro-poly post. It wasn't meant to claim superiority; that's just what works for me. The OP asked if polyamorous relationships could work, and I loudly proclaim that they can. But they can fuck up just as royally and even more-so than regular ol' monogamous relationships because there are more people and feelings involved.

 

Boundaries do need to be discussed upfront, at the outset, as face2face mentioned. Polyamory isn't one of those "oh, I totally thought that this behaviour was okay, even though we never discussed it" kind of things (that goes back to my first post and not assuming). But that's not okay in monogamy either, so we're clear.

 

Also, I'm not saying one person can't satisfy all your sexual needs, I'm saying it's unrealistic to assume one person will satisfy ALL your needs--sexual, emotional, social, etc.

 

And that sex with someone other than your partner doesn't mean that you don't love them anymore.

 

To the guys who feel threatened by the idea of another man in your partner's life--I know you don't have to, and if you're planning on staying in monogamy, you won't have to, but ask yourself where those feelings come from and go from there. If you break down your feelings and learn where they come from and so forth, you can unlearn all kinds of nasty shit you picked up growing up, including various societal baggage regarding sexual roles and behaviours etc.

[Guest ***t***iv***]

some of you I couldn't guestbook msg to thank, so thanks to all of you once again for all your thoughtful replies to this thread. they have all been more helpful than you know.

I am also very excited to check out that reading list, thanks oh so much more for going above and beyond, berlin and malika! I can't wait to check out both those books, I am really very grateful for the suggested reading.

you guys are grreat! (hey leave me alone its late lol)

[April Dawn 12207]

I've always identified as poly since a very young age (infact far far before I knew what it was) My grandmother was married and divorced 7 times. She kept in close contact with all her ex husbands and I had a lot of grandpa's I could go to and I loved them all. Now flash forward to kindergarten when I found out that people don't have more then two sets of grandparents. I felt sorry for them. The close dynamic worked for her and for us grandkids. Now let's move this forward again to my first boyfriend. I loved him,

I still love him but I could never stay faithful to him weither that was sexually or emotionally. I wanted what my grandma had. When I was 17 I started researching and finally had labels for what I wanted and needed. I've done monogamy and been happy, I've done poly and been happy and done both and had it blow up.

I think that being poly or monogamous is hardwired in your brain, like sexual identity, and kink. It either works or doesn't and if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

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[JuliasUndies 7288]

Honesty is any relationship.

Whatever works, everyone is different so as long as you are happy.

As long as we are honest with ourselves and partner(s), nothing can stop you from having a happy healthy relationship, no matter what kind.

Just be who you are, yourself and don't change and as long as your lovers accept you for you, and no one is getting hurt than it sounds like a pleasant lifestyle.

[Guest ***t***iv***]

Just be who you are, yourself and don't change and as long as your lovers accept you for you, and no one is getting hurt than it sounds like a pleasant lifestyle.

 

This part hit home a lot thanks for inspiring! :) I guess that's been the internal debate all along. Change or suppress who I am (becoming) for my SO's benefit or don't. to be or not to be. julia your comment about not changing, refreshed my personal belief in being who you are no matter what anybody thinks. I wouldn't change who I am for my family nor would I ask them to change for me. and I can't fathom suppressing even who I may be in the near or distant future for anyone. no matter the degree of love I feel for another, I always choose to love myself first and most.

 

Also, lvoing someone means not wanting them to change to make you happy. I don;t want that of my S.O and I think the coin should be the same on the flipside and no one who claims to love me, should ever even ask me to.

 

ah. L'amour. hehe thx again jules

[JuliasUndies 7288]

This part hit home a lot thanks for inspiring! :) I guess that's been the internal debate all along. Change or suppress who I am (becoming) for my SO's benefit or don't. to be or not to be. julia your comment about not changing, refreshed my personal belief in being who you are no matter what anybody thinks. I wouldn't change who I am for my family nor would I ask them to change for me. and I can't fathom suppressing even who I may be in the near or distant future for anyone. no matter the degree of love I feel for another, I always choose to love myself first and most.

 

Also, lvoing someone means not wanting them to change to make you happy. I don;t want that of my S.O and I think the coin should be the same on the flipside and no one who claims to love me, should ever even ask me to.

 

ah. L'amour. hehe thx again jules

 

Aww thanks sweety. We will always be our happiest being our self or loving someone for who they are ,not what they are or we want them to be.

You will definitely make an excellent partner and if you're just as good with a camera, we all like pix!!! lol:)

[crillin 54]

To the guys who feel threatened by the idea of another man in your partner's life--I know you don't have to, and if you're planning on staying in monogamy, you won't have to, but ask yourself where those feelings come from and go from there. If you break down your feelings and learn where they come from and so forth, you can unlearn all kinds of nasty shit you picked up growing up, including various societal baggage regarding sexual roles and behaviours etc.

 

I don't think it's nasty shit we picked up from growing up. It's something that is programmed into our DNA. If you follow evolutionary theory, we are programmed to reproduce with OUR genes. As men, if we commit to a female, we are dedicating our time, energy and resources to that female and subsequent offspring. If the female is fooling around with other males, we in turn 'lose' out as there is the potential for that offspring that we are caring for is not ours and thereby defeating our purpose. This is why I think men are less tolerant of polyamourous relationships if they are serious about wanting a family. We don't want external factors jeopardizing our chance of passing on our genes. There are reasons why certain animals are very territorial and will defend their mates fiercely against other rivals (sometimes to the death), ie. lions.

[April Dawn 12207]

That's something I've never really thought of. Growing up on a farm I always remember my mom finding the kittens and taking them and momma cat and putting them somewhere safe till the kittens were older cause tom cats kill them so they can mate with the mom cat

and have their own offspring.

How far have we gone up the evolutionary scale?

But...

Didn't most early societies have matralineal societies because they couldn't trust that the father was the father? And haven't "polygamous societies been around longer then monogamous societies?

I know within my own cultural heritage there was second, third ect wives, wife sharing.

I feel like this is something I have to do way more research on!

Public library here I come :p

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[scribbles 6031]

Actually, monogamy is uncommon in nature. Sure, it happens, but in many cases males mate with more than one female. Part of this is a matter of strengthening the gene pool, as competition after insemination leads to the strongest and fastest sperm fertilizing the egg before the others.

 

Monogamy is about possession, as rude as that sounds. The man/woman wants to keep a particular resource (emotional, sexual, whatever) to themselves because sharing brings the fear of losing the resource entirely. This is why I quite erroneously feel more comfortable sharing a partner with a woman; given that her bits are not the same as mine, I don't feel worried my partner will leave me for someone with better bits, or bit-using-prowess. Flawed logic, but I'm a flawed kinda guy.

 

Of course, I've never been offered to participate in a polyamorous relationship (*nudge* Malika, *nudge*).

 

;)

[VedaSloan 119179]

I don't think it's nasty shit we picked up from growing up. It's something that is programmed into our DNA. If you follow evolutionary theory, we are programmed to reproduce with OUR genes. As men, if we commit to a female, we are dedicating our time, energy and resources to that female and subsequent offspring. If the female is fooling around with other males, we in turn 'lose' out as there is the potential for that offspring that we are caring for is not ours and thereby defeating our purpose. This is why I think men are less tolerant of polyamourous relationships if they are serious about wanting a family. We don't want external factors jeopardizing our chance of passing on our genes. There are reasons why certain animals are very territorial and will defend their mates fiercely against other rivals (sometimes to the death), ie. lions.

 

I don't want to get into a nature vs nurture debate, but while I agree to some degree that part of it is biological, I think for the most part, how men feel about women, and the kind of relationships we are expected to see as normal, is completely socially constructed.

 

But, if you're going to bring up examples from nature, let's look at the number of animals that are actually lifelong mates who stay sexually monogamous: only 3-5%!

 

And actually, your biological theory doesn't really work since from an evolutionary standpoint, you want to spread your seed as much as possible. Instead, monogamy requires an individual to invest its entire reproductive potential on a single mate.

 

Polyamory is actually more "natural" if you want to look at it from an evolutionary perspective. (I put natural in quotes because the whole concept of "natural" or "normal" sexual behaviour and relationships is entirely socially constructed).

[Guest t**obb****]

I prefer to be seen as the whole world to someone.

I'd probably also be ok being seen as the whole world to more than one.

 

However I'm selfish.

 

I don't offer the whole world to anyone.

And the best parts of me come on my timing.

 

Additional Comments:

more direct to the thread, it depends on your definition of love.

 

Love is a currency

Monogomy = All Love to one person (another person = cheating)

 

 

Love is not a currency

Poly-amourous = love is a natural resource, abundant supply, not anyones

(another person <> cheating = no insecurity/no distrust)