A letter to a dear friend...

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

A letter to my dear friend,

I know you have been dealt a hard hand in life. I wish I could fix it for you, wish you never had to endure what haunts you now.

I am sitting here watching you self destruct for about 6 months, always knowing you were treading a fine line for years. I want to hold you and make you feel safe, but yet I want to shake you to wake up! How do I continue to support you without enabling you? Today, I just wanted to hug you and tell you everything will be ok, but yet I need to give you "tough love" in hopes you will see how precious life and relationships are!

Would I be a good person if I let you continue down this road? Am I awful for "cutting you off" ? How do I as your friend show you I care with out letting you think it is ok to be like this? I do not know. I cry for you. I know how wonderful life can be, and I know how great you are, just wish you could see it!

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We all carry demon's from our past, but what makes some rise above?

Faith, positive influences, goals, accomplishment, and yes sometimes we need a professional to help us sort it out. It is hard to on this end too, the one who tries to teach and guide another who is lost. As much as I try to remain calm and strong, it tears my soul apart.

What would you say to a friend? When do you give up? Is there "an app for that"?

I am reaching out to my CERB family, I hope I can gain insight into how to help my friend without enabling either. Maybe other's who read this and find themselves in this situation will also gain insight.

[piano8950 32577]

Stepping back, and not doing anything might be the best option at times. It's a lousy option because by doing so, you feel as if it's the easy way out. I honestly think it's the hardest option, to ignore that feeling of guilt that you might feel for taking the 'easy way', and to hope for the best while expecting the worst.

 

But I find that if all else fails, this might be the only way.

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

You cannot help someone until they have hit rock bottom and then have asked for help. They are in denial at the stage you are describing. All advice offered is usually rejected until they have made up their own minds that they need help.Be there for that person when he or she has hit rock bottom and the extend a helping hand to them and be there for moral support.

[Boomer 33202]

It's a matter of acceptance, the friend in question probably knows what it takes to pull out of their spiral. One mistake is to show them a judgmental stance. You don't turn your back on them, don't necessarily abandon them by maintaining your distance, but have to have assured them that when they do need help even temporarily, that you are there to assist them.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate all of your wise advice. !

 

Boomer, your right. I think I have figured out a way to do this. I can be distant while not abandoning a friend. Thank you for reminding me of that!

[marriedbutnotdead 3844]

I know what you are going through. I have a brother that in now on the streets because of drugs. He was a very successful business man before he got addicted, both family and friend tried reaching out to him and giving him support. He would not have any of that and would just tell us he was fine and there were no issues. It came to the point where we even had him arrested (3times and he does not know who called) and he still says there is no issue. He lost his job, house and family. We have come to the conclusion that it is obvious that he has not hit rock bottom and until he does we are leaving him be. He does not even want to be found. He does not know but I know where he is at all time because of contacts with law enforcement and when he is ready to speak to us then we will help him through it.

So this is how we are dealing with this situation. Tough love they say goes a long way. I hope this helps you

[Ice4fun 78396]

The road of life is seldom an uneventful journey and at times in our life we will all struggle.... no matter how independent we may think we are... no matter how strong we may imagine ourselves... life has a way to humble us all. When this happens to us we are seldom prepared... we are often in denial that we even have a problem... and we often take it out on the very ones who care most about.

 

It is at these times that the way you have lead your life, the character and integrity that you have shown others....the friendships and the connections that you have made that will come to support you and comfort you and stuck with you regardless of how difficult you have made it.

 

Just so I am clear I am not suggesting that regardless of what you do your friends should just do as you ask... i am saying that in these cases when a friend is in trouble and in need and does not know it or accept it the best you can often do is to let them know you are there.... provide them with options that they can choose should they wish to seek help... they may not appreciate the offer in the moment but maybe soon they will.

 

Just my opinion

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Happy to report, my friend has seen the light so to say. Had a very scary situation happen the day I wrote this. Since then, my friend has made a doc apt and has been sober. It is only the beginning of a long road home, but I am hopeful. I am trying to make activities that do not resemble old habits, crafts, working out and focusing on home life.

Thanks to everyone who posted here, it really helped me to "not give up" on my friend. :)

[Frank7 3939]

Happy to report, my friend has seen the light so to say. Had a very scary situation happen the day I wrote this. Since then, my friend has made a doc apt and has been sober. It is only the beginning of a long road home, but I am hopeful. I am trying to make activities that do not resemble old habits, crafts, working out and focusing on home life.

Thanks to everyone who posted here, it really helped me to "not give up" on my friend. :)

 

Very glad he's doing better. =)

At first i though it was depression, and didn't really know how to reply. (it's a very complicated subject when you don't have much informations....)

Now that you'd specified it was alcoholism, maybe some other members who've dealt with it will be able to give some advices to help him!

[Athos 108589]

Happy to report, my friend has seen the light so to say. Had a very scary situation happen the day I wrote this. Since then, my friend has made a doc apt and has been sober. It is only the beginning of a long road home, but I am hopeful. I am trying to make activities that do not resemble old habits, crafts, working out and focusing on home life.

Thanks to everyone who posted here, it really helped me to "not give up" on my friend. :)

 

That is great news, and I hope your friend has turned a corner. I've seen two friends go down this road, and sadly neither was able to make that change. In one case, a friend ended up drinking herself to death. We didn't give up on her, and tried to be there as much as we could, without it affecting our own lives and well-being. But it was hard. There are also lots of support groups for friends and families of people with drinking problems. We didn't take advantage of those, and looking back on things I wish we had.

 

Porthos

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

That is great news, and I hope your friend has turned a corner. I've seen two friends go down this road, and sadly neither was able to make that change. In one case, a friend ended up drinking herself to death. We didn't give up on her, and tried to be there as much as we could, without it affecting our own lives and well-being. But it was hard. There are also lots of support groups for friends and families of people with drinking problems. We didn't take advantage of those, and looking back on things I wish we had.

 

Porthos

 

WOW, so so sorry for you and all that went threw this with her:(

I am being hopeful but not blind either, I know slipping is apart of recovery too. Important if you slip to get back up asap...such a young life, so much future ahead of my friend, just hope she stays motivated to be sober. So far so good, I hear talk of plans and goals, I think that is a very big key to recovery is to have goals. No matter how small, the since of accomplishment can carry you onto the next goal...

Thanks for sharing your story!

[Butterfly Kisses 2301]

Your letter hits home for me.

 

I have a friend who I have the exact same feelings about. I sometimes feel guilty because I do not support her (enable) like I did. Nothing seemed to help her make the right choices. I finally pushed her away in terms of any support regarding life, making the right choices or at least offering my experiences so she could make a good choice on her own.

 

She says we are still friends, but I never hear from her anymore, even though I have her belongings stored at my place and I am babysitting her pet until she can take care of it properly herself.

 

Not a call, text or email. It leaves me with an empty feeling.

 

Any time we are ever talk now she trash talks with what I call "shock talk", trying to get a rise out of me by telling me stuff that she knows upsets me and usually is not rational or logical thinking or even legal.

 

I feel she is lonely and doesn't know a life with someone who loves her and wants to see her succeed.

 

Yah I am lost with what to do or what can be done. My help is no longer accepted other than being used when she has no one else to go to.

[Guest c**io**m7]

WOW, so so sorry for you and all that went threw this with her:(

I am being hopeful but not blind either, I know slipping is apart of recovery too. Important if you slip to get back up asap...such a young life, so much future ahead of my friend, just hope she stays motivated to be sober. So far so good, I hear talk of plans and goals, I think that is a very big key to recovery is to have goals. No matter how small, the since of accomplishment can carry you onto the next goal...

Thanks for sharing your story!

 

 

Definitely!! Successful reaching of short term goals, regardless of how small, are integral to self confidence and successful recovery. Kudos to your friend for starting and send my best wishes, along with a hug.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Your letter hits home for me.

 

I have a friend who I have the exact same feelings about. I sometimes feel guilty because I do not support her (enable) like I did. Nothing seemed to help her make the right choices. I finally pushed her away in terms of any support regarding life, making the right choices or at least offering my experiences so she could make a good choice on her own.

 

She says we are still friends, but I never hear from her anymore, even though I have her belongings stored at my place and I am babysitting her pet until she can take care of it properly herself.

 

Not a call, text or email. It leaves me with an empty feeling.

 

Any time we are ever talk now she trash talks with what I call "shock talk", trying to get a rise out of me by telling me stuff that she knows upsets me and usually is not rational or logical thinking or even legal.

 

I feel she is lonely and doesn't know a life with someone who loves her and wants to see her succeed.

 

Yah I am lost with what to do or what can be done. My help is no longer accepted other than being used when she has no one else to go to.

 

Aww, that is a tough situation my friend. I have too almost come to this point. A blessing came in disguise of a tragedy for my friend. Not sure it was rock bottom yet, but was significant enough for her to know something worse is lurking in the shadows if she didn't straighten out.

 

Just open a door when needed, do not take anything your friend says to heart. She is sick and not herself right now. Hopefully nothing too bad will happen, but if it does, it may be the thing that opens her eyes. Put it this way, if you don't open your door and she gets hurt or worse, dies, you will have a very heavy heart. When you do open your door, make it with an agreement that NO booze( drugs) are consumed while here, and must eat a proper meal at least once in a day. This way you are not enabling but giving her a chance to sober up and think.

Best wishes for you and your friend! If you ever need to talk, I am here with some pretty profound personal experiences as well. I am a lucky one! Hope she is too!

[Ice4fun 78396]

The reality is no matter how much we care or want to help we can't fix someone else and until they reach a point where they want to change or want help to change we are virtually powerless.

 

What can we do... make sure we stay connected... offer help with the change process not with daily life issues that result from the problematic behaviour. Tell the person we care and are there for them.

 

What should we expect... well to be pushed away... to be hurt... to have unpleasant things said about us... to feel like we are being mean and letting our friend down... but remember it is not your friend that is talking it is the problem they are fighing.... you don't own the problem and are not responsible for the solution.

 

I know some of this because I went through it for almost 30 years with a member of my family... many many attempts and many many relapses..... unbelievable pain and guilt by my parents and family... things are better now but it takes a toll.... be sure to understand what success looks like... it is not that you keep your friendship or things return to normal... it is that someone you care about wins the battle.... it's not about you its about them.