Can you ever be too nice or too helpful?

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

I am one of those optimistic people who is ALWAYS nice no matter what. Sometimes it leads to people trying to take advantage of me (they aren't smart enough to succeed however) or to being shot down for doing a good deed.

 

Is it possible to be too nice? Should I expect to be chastized for attempting a good deed?

 

What are your views on nice people. Not naive people; genuinely nice people?

 

Unfortunately, I am finding out that more often than not it leads to disappointment and disillusionment in my fellow man. At this time in my life I refuse to change but the anger is surfacing much quicker and I am so tempted to lash out. Fortunately, the nice in me, disallows this for now.

 

Signed,

 

Hoping to not become a bitch!!!

[Tara 1166]

The real pitfall of being too nice is the humiliation you will encounter when people under-estimate your intelligence as a result. They interpret your desire to please them too much as a sign of weakness or a lack of self confidence and the result of that is all too often you are going to vulnerable to those who will seek to take full advantage of your perceived weakness. A bell you can't unring sometimes. Keep your guard up a bit more and you will spend less time recovering from disappointment and humiliation.

[rickoshadows 937]

Sometimes you can be rebuffed for being nice because the person you are being nice to has had their fill of people with ulterior motives being nice for less than altruistic reasons.

 

Unfortunaltely I find myself a little more suspicious than perhaps I should be lately. It seems to have coincided with my move to Ontario although I can't think of a specific occasion which started it. It may have something to do with being in an unfamiliar place. I do know if someone is being nice to you when in the Middle East, it is time to put your guard up and change your location pronto.

[Cleo Catra 178382]

One of my 'ex' best friends is too nice, and it's a big part of why we're not great friends anymore.

 

I told her about something really, really awful someone had done to me. She, being 'nice', tried to make excuses for him. 'Maybe he meant to do...', 'maybe you took it the wrong way...', etc. When really, this man had tried to hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But she doesn't seem to have the ability to think wrong of someone, even if the result is that someone else (me) gets hurt by her way of thinking.

 

I think she's very naive and needs a wake-up call.

 

I don't think someone should be chastized for trying to do a good-deed. BUT, when presented with something bad, sometimes the right thing to do is to accept that someone did somehting bad, rather than try to make everything nice and peachy.

[roamingguy 300291]

I'm a nice and fair guy. Now in my work life, I have to put on a game face so to speak...actually personality wise almost night and day. No, I'm not a Jekyl and Hyde, just if you are too nice where I work, some very unsavory characters would take advantage of you. At work, very strict...still fair

Away from work, relaxed, and happy, well in general I'm happy

RG

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

One of my 'ex' best friends is too nice, and it's a big part of why we're not great friends anymore.

 

I told her about something really, really awful someone had done to me. She, being 'nice', tried to make excuses for him. 'Maybe he meant to do...', 'maybe you took it the wrong way...', etc. When really, this man had tried to hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But she doesn't seem to have the ability to think wrong of someone, even if the result is that someone else (me) gets hurt by her way of thinking.

 

I think she's very naive and needs a wake-up call.

 

I don't think someone should be chastized for trying to do a good-deed. BUT, when presented with something bad, sometimes the right thing to do is to accept that someone did somehting bad, rather than try to make everything nice and peachy.

 

I totally agree Cleo. I think maybe I was not clear enough because if anyone crosses me, a friend or a loved one...WATCH out! In general, I am nice especially to people I don't know well. I am a "one good deed deserves another" type of person but will never lay down and let someone f(*k me over! I can be tough but it is just so much easier to be nice. The downfall is that not many people appreciate that quality in a person and tend to view this trait as someone having alterior motives. This may be true sometimes but let's not be skeptical and put all nice people in the same boat :)

[roamingguy 300291]

I totally agree Cleo. I think maybe I was not clear enough because if anyone crosses me, a friend or a loved one...WATCH out! In general, I am nice especially to people I don't know well. I am a "one good deed deserves another" type of person but will never lay down and let someone f(*k me over! I can be tough but it is just so much easier to be nice. The downfall is that not many people appreciate that quality in a person and tend to view this trait as someone having alterior motives. This may be true sometimes but let's not be skeptical and put all nice people in the same boat :)

 

Unfortunately where I work, when someone is being too nice to me, usually they want something, or are trying to scam me...hence being strict at work

After 26+ years, I actually am sick of my job, and am looking forward to retirement

RG

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

Unfortunately where I work, when someone is being too nice to me, usually they want something, or are trying to scam me...hence being strict at work

After 26+ years, I actually am sick of my job, and am looking forward to retirement

RG

 

Since being out of the workforce, I have changed my attitude. I agree 100% that in a professional environment you need to be on guard. Just wish that on a personal level it wasn't so necessary!

 

Screw it....I will go back to being the "boss type" again and harden myself up again! Thought I could let that persona go along with the business but guess not :( Real eye opener today! I am by no means naive, nor am I an idiot and I guess that I need to portray myself as I used to in order to be taken seriously!

 

Still....kisses to you all!

[roamingguy 300291]

Since being out of the workforce, I have changed my attitude. I agree 100% that in a professional environment you need to be on guard. Just wish that on a personal level it wasn't so necessary!

 

Screw it....I will go back to being the "boss type" again and harden myself up again! Thought I could let that persona go along with the business but guess not :( Real eye opener today! I am by no means naive, nor am I an idiot and I guess that I need to portray myself as I used to in order to be taken seriously!

 

Still....kisses to you all!

 

So can I expect some bossing around when I come up in two weeks...looking forward to it

RG

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

So can I expect some bossing around when I come up in two weeks...looking forward to it

RG

 

You betcha bucko!!! No more miss sweet as pie!!!! LMAO (thank you, once again, for making me laugh!)

[mrgreen760 37785]

Initially everyone gets the benefit of the doubt from me. Though fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...and I guarantee there will never ever be an opportunity for a third time.

 

I do forgive but I never forget.

 

Peace

MG

[roamingguy 300291]

You betcha bucko!!! No more miss sweet as pie!!!! LMAO (thank you, once again, for making me laugh!)

 

Dammit Meg, making you laugh...you'll think I'm a nice and funny guy

RG

[Jake_1957 1301]

Meg, if people try to take advantage of you or shoot you down for doing a good deed, then by all means give them a piece of you mind for their attitude.

 

Being nice is never a bad thing, don't let a few bad apples effect who or what you are.

[LeeRichards 177238]

I totally agree Cleo. I think maybe I was not clear enough because if anyone crosses me, a friend or a loved one...WATCH out! In general, I am nice especially to people I don't know well. I am a "one good deed deserves another" type of person but will never lay down and let someone f(*k me over! I can be tough but it is just so much easier to be nice. The downfall is that not many people appreciate that quality in a person and tend to view this trait as someone having alterior motives. This may be true sometimes but let's not be skeptical and put all nice people in the same boat :)

 

I like this Meg....well said. I don't think you can ever be too nice as long you have the ability to deal with the idiots and switch to the "don't f**k with me mode" Apparently you do, and that is awesome :icon_wink: Guess I will be on my best behaviour when I come your way in September :)

[Guest S**a*Q]

I'm nice... Really nice. Anyone that knows me, will vouch for that.

 

However, I'm too nice. I've been fucked over, hurt, molested *(not in a sexual way), used, beaten down, abused, screwed, messed up and not cared about.

 

Chock that up to including boyfriends and we can also include *(In the grand scheme of things...) fucked over, used for money, used for sex, used for business consulting, screwed over for money, used to pick up chicks, used to gain employment, used for my feelings... *(that one hurt the most...) and used for just being a whore...

 

Does that change the way I feel?

 

No, it doesn't.

I'll still be nice everyday that I wake up. :)

 

Every person that I meet, I treat the same as the first one I met.

 

For all the bad people, someone works out to be worth the effort.

*(Woo, Karma!!!)

 

And I treasure every single minute. :D

[Tara 1166]

One of my 'ex' best friends is too nice, and it's a big part of why we're not great friends anymore.

 

I told her about something really, really awful someone had done to me. She, being 'nice', tried to make excuses for him. 'Maybe he meant to do...', 'maybe you took it the wrong way...', etc. When really, this man had tried to hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But she doesn't seem to have the ability to think wrong of someone, even if the result is that someone else (me) gets hurt by her way of thinking.

 

I think she's very naive and needs a wake-up call.

 

I don't think someone should be chastized for trying to do a good-deed. BUT, when presented with something bad, sometimes the right thing to do is to accept that someone did somehting bad, rather than try to make everything nice and peachy.

 

Well said. It is insulting to your intelligence to be treated as if you are evil for even considering the possibility that another person is capable to betraying your trust or deliberately ignoring your right to be treated with common respect and courtesy.

[Rebel52 101]

Seems the old saying ... no good deed goes unpunished ... is an old saying for a good reason, sadly.

[VedaSloan 119179]

I generally give everyone the benefit of the doubt the first go around. I will admit, I'm wary of people who are too nice initially--it seems disingenuous to me.

 

But on the whole, I'm one of those people who would do anything for the people close to me.

[Rebel52 101]

To rework a famous phrase from an old movie .. friendship is never having to say you're sorry. Deep and lasting friendships are forged in fires that burn hotter than an occasional careless or insensitive comment. I think you should forgive her.

[Guest e**m***h]

Kindness to me is one of best forms of human beauty. When heartfelt and uncluttered by some kind of odd pathology, I have seen it transform lives. I have benefited deeply from people being nice to me in simple ways. I think appreciation should be given for those who are nice, not exploitation or scorn or condescension.

 

Ok, so yes, of course I do take the point...it is a world of hard edges and suffering. People exploit kindness. Absolutely. Impossible to disagree. But isn't anger probably the best response when that happens? Helps sets limits so the exploitation stops.

 

Being angry does not necessarily mean you stop being nice though, does it? I have seen people express anger strongly but respectfully, or 'nicely', in a word. They teach and help themselves and others by expressing their anger well. I really treasure people who can do this. Real contrast to those who are abusive when they are angry, no question there. And no question who I would rather be around.

 

And yes, the sincerity aspect is also a problem regularly. Those who appear kind but are not really. I have been duped splendidly more times than I can count. Lost track of how many I believed are nice or actually caring when it has been only apparent. Hazard of the optimist. But again, finding those who persevere in kindness through genuine strength of character even though the world sucks nine days out of ten - you can sign me up for the reward that comes with knowing them.

 

 

I am one of those optimistic people who is ALWAYS nice no matter what. Sometimes it leads to people trying to take advantage of me (they aren't smart enough to succeed however) or to being shot down for doing a good deed.

 

Is it possible to be too nice? Should I expect to be chastized for attempting a good deed?

 

What are your views on nice people. Not naive people; genuinely nice people?

 

Unfortunately, I am finding out that more often than not it leads to disappointment and disillusionment in my fellow man. At this time in my life I refuse to change but the anger is surfacing much quicker and I am so tempted to lash out. Fortunately, the nice in me, disallows this for now.

 

Signed,

 

Hoping to not become a bitch!!!

[touchwould2 727]

Kindness to me is one of best forms of human beauty. When heartfelt and uncluttered by some kind of odd pathology, I have seen it transform lives. I have benefited deeply from people being nice to me in simple ways. I think appreciation should be given for those who are nice, not exploitation or scorn or condescension.

 

Ok, so yes, of course I do take the point...it is a world of hard edges and suffering. People exploit kindness. Absolutely. Impossible to disagree. But isn't anger probably the best response when that happens? Helps sets limits so the exploitation stops.

 

Being angry does not necessarily mean you stop being nice though, does it? I have seen people express anger strongly but respectfully, or 'nicely', in a word. They teach and help themselves and others by expressing their anger well. I really treasure people who can do this. Real contrast to those who are abusive when they are angry, no question there. And no question who I would rather be around.

 

And yes, the sincerity aspect is also a problem regularly. Those who appear kind but are not really. I have been duped splendidly more times than I can count. Lost track of how many I believed are nice or actually caring when it has been only apparent. Hazard of the optimist. But again, finding those who persevere in kindness through genuine strength of character even though the world sucks nine days out of ten - you can sign me up for the reward that comes with knowing them.

 

 

very well said Voyi... (though i don't think " life" sucks nine days out... of ten.. even if so much of the world does...i think you would concur ...

 

and great thread Meg. You sound like a great lady ..as do many of the folks here...

 

cheers!!

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I like to find the good in people but at the same time, I'm very wary of people and can read them quickly. I have been burned a few times in my personal life and through different jobs.

 

A few years ago, I was once given a letter in the business telling me he wouldnt see me again for various reasons that seemed to be all in his head. I guess I wasn't worthy of an explanation upfront and in person which is what hurt my feelings the most. I decided to forgive him but I never forgot. Although I did see them again, this was always in the back of my mind and was always lerry of them and probably should have stopped seeing them altogether.

 

I've been told I'm generous to a fault but if you screw me over, watch out. I also believe in what comes around, goes around. With age and maturity, I think I can see when people are trying to do me wrong and I tend to nip it quickly now.

[mrrnice2 157005]

I would certainly be remiss, considering the Cerb handle that I use, not to respond to this thread.

 

Like Meg, I do consider myself to be just a genuinely nice person. Care, concern for others, the ability to empathize, an interest in helping others and similar sorts of things have served me well over the years, and unlike some others perhaps, that includes both my personal and professional lives.

 

These characteristics, if they are in fact present in people, are not things that others assume or presume to be automatically present or authentic in others at first meeting, or even after some time. These characteristics, or, just general niceness and sincerety are characteristics that need to be earned and developed over time. Human nature and past experiences are the cause for that.

 

I do not believe that someone is necessarily naive nor vulnerable should they present this aspect of their being, yet one must at the same time be cautious that others may attribute these characteristics to you by being 'nice'.

 

There need not be a contradiction between being a genuinely nice person and a person that is intellligent and confident enough to recognize when your 'niceness' might possibly be being employed against you.

 

Meg we have not met, but I have followed much of your writing, and it sounds to me as if you have that balance. If so, keep being that nice person that I think I see.:)

 

It is a little compliment here that in a previous thread I made a comment about what a 'silly' name it is that I had selected, and was wondering if there was a way to change it here on Cerb. That little comment from me sparked quite a few PM's from people that I have met, all of whom said, no way, the name fits you so well.

 

What a "nice" gesture that was :)

[Victoria Banks 21899]

signs you are being too nice..

 

- always putting the wants and needs of others before you

- Always lending money to others

- Lieing not to hurt others feelings

- Always trying to avoid conflicts and walking on eggshells

[rickkm 328]

One of my 'ex' best friends is too nice, and it's a big part of why we're not great friends anymore.

 

I told her about something really, really awful someone had done to me. She, being 'nice', tried to make excuses for him. 'Maybe he meant to do...', 'maybe you took it the wrong way...', etc. When really, this man had tried to hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But she doesn't seem to have the ability to think wrong of someone, even if the result is that someone else (me) gets hurt by her way of thinking.

 

It sounds Cato like your so called friend or ex-friend, has a stake in this guy's reputation, and does not want to be guilty by association, hence the reason to try to smooth things out with you on his behalf. When I break up with someone, I never maintain the same degree of friendship with the ex's friends.........cordial and polite yes, but no sharing of personal/sensitive information.... (words of wisdom!!)