When a Client Dies: Going to the Funeral

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

One of my favourite, long-standing clients died recently. I wrote about that, here. I will attend the funeral because he was well-known in Vancouver. The funeral will be held in a church; many people are expected to attend.

 

The question about whether it's okay for a paid companion to go to a client's funeral has come up before, but it's been a couple of years since we had that discussion. In case it might be useful, helpful or reassuring to anyone on the board, I'm re-opening the topic. I apologize in advance for the length of this post!

 

In the other part of my life, some time ago, I seriously considered becoming a funeral director because, for various reasons, I'd worked closely with quite a few funeral homes. I also used to do volunteer work with a hospice and ve attended many dozens of funerals over the last 20 years or so. I'm writing from that experience.

 

When someone dies, the very best, and very worst, aspects of their relationships with family and friends are likely to be in the spotlight. Families always want to be seen as normal, unremarkable, with no secrets or scandals to be noticed. Unfortunately, most families are not so ordinary. Everyone has secrets and some of them may not go to the grave with us despite our best efforts to conceal them.

 

You can always call the funeral home and ask how many people they're expecting to attend the service. They'll tell you if it's just going to be a small, private family service, or if they're expecting a couple of hundred people.

 

Funeral homes are asked this very question several times a day. Estranged family members, former spouses and other people who have had a difficult relationship with the deceased, or with members of his/her family, often call the funeral home and ask this question. There's no need to feel conspicuous or awkward for asking! Most funeral directors take seriously their value as an intermediary between the bereaved family and others.

 

Unless the deceased person is quite elderly, or has been shut-in for a long, long time, or had a disability that seriously restricted their ability to be out in the world, funeral services often have a wide variety of people attending. They don't all know each other. Many people will be there who may hardly know the deceased, but have accompanied their spouse or a friend who did know him/her.

 

There is often a "viewing" or a gathering before the actual funeral. Depending on who the deceased person was, how long they've lived in their community and how well-known they were, there may be a couple of these gatherings. One may be held the evening before the funeral, for example, or a couple of hours before the funeral itself. These gatherings take the place of wakes which were commonly held many years ago. They tend to be small and quiet. People who have known the deceased person have an opportunity to go to the funeral home, or in some cases, the church, view the body and spend a few moments in quiet reflection.

 

Family members are usually present at these viewings. Many people who knew the deceased person very well are likely to attend. There may be food and drinks available. People will have informal conversations about the deceased person, sharing memories and talking about how he or she affected their lives.

 

It is very difficult to be inconspicuous at one of these gatherings, and so, as a paid companion, I would never attend. My presence is only likely to raise questions for the family and friends; that would be a violation of confidentiality.

 

If, however, the deceased person is very famous, or a head of state or, say, a current or former provincial premier, and there is a large public viewing where potentially hundreds of people may attend to pay their respects, I would probably be one of the people in the crowd.

 

If the service is being held in a church, there will usually be a lot of people there. If the whole service is being held at the graveside, fewer people will attend. Personally, I would not attend a graveside funeral for a client because those awkward scenes in movies where someone unexpectedly shows up at the graveside service are, sadly, fairly realistic. I have been at several graveside services where someone unexpected arrived; it would not be appropriate for me to cause consternation or worry for the family by attending this more private kind of memorial.

 

On the day of the funeral, if the deceased died suddenly and unexpectedly, or if their death was violent, it would be unusual for members of the family to be greeting people at the door of the funeral home or church when people arrive. If the deceased had been ill for a long time and was on good terms with his/her family, it's more likely that family members will be greeting people when they arrive. You might need to make a judgment call about this, but it would be unusual for anyone greeting folks as they arrive to ask questions about why someone is there.

 

There's usually a guest book available for signing. I wouldn't sign it, if I was at a funeral for a client. There's often a gathering after the service, too. I wouldn't attend because this is another time when questions about how someone knows the deceased would be most likely to be asked. I also wouldn't go to the burial if it's happening after the service. Again, most of the people who attend the service won't go to the graveyard, so there's nothing conspicuous about staying away. Going, however, could raise questions.

 

But if there will be more than about 80 people at the funeral, to arrive at the funeral home or church only a couple of minutes before the service starts, to sit near the back of the chapel or church and to leave when it's over, shouldn't be a problem. Other people will do the same thing for different reasons.

 

When I attend my client's funeral, I will dress inconspicuously. I will not wear all black, though I may wear a black dress with a coloured jacket over it. I do not want to appear to be in grief or significantly mourning my friend because I do not want to call attention to myself. I may sign the guest book if it there are more than about 200 people at the funeral. Otherwise, I won't. If I do sign it, I will sign it in my own name. Samantha will not be at the service.

 

If anyone asks me how I knew the man who died, I will give a vague answer along the lines of having worked with him on a project a few years ago. I may say that he gave me some good advice that has made a lot of difference in my life and so I wanted to pay my respects. It's important to recognize that by not saying anything or by declining to answer the question,I draw more attention than if I give this kind of bland reply. I have to take seriously the fact that I do not know this man's family and friends and that I am an attractive woman who is at the funeral by myself. Unfortunately, people being as they are, there is often a group of people hoping, secretly or not so secretly, that something exciting or titillating may be revealed about the deceased. I do not want to give anyone the impression that I may have been one of the man's secrets. I can't ask my partner to attend the funeral with me because, of course, he doesn't know that this man was a client of mine.

 

I'm sure that the common-sense value of much of what I've written, here, is evident. More than anything, I hope that everyone, particularly my sister companions, will simply take the time to think things through. The loss of a client through death is a serious and important event. We are all entitled to our sorrow and to find appropriate ways to mark their passing.

[silverado17 12689]

i have been to funerals of good friends and have gone to the church and seen people there i didn't know so it's not like we know all are friends, friends so you might not even be noticed

[Winnipegcub 21293]

Samantha, I have no doubt your presence would be valued by your former client and friend. I think it is also special how even with the strong feelings you have you will consider the appropriateness and maintain your professionalism and discretion. I too have established what I think are closer than provider/client relations and would feel special to have that person at such an event. XO Cub

[Lexy Grace 103696]

I have had someone whom I've been seeing for years and thier health was very bad and we mainly spent quailty time to together because of his heart condition, I had attended social functions and had met some of his family and friends. We of course said we met in the "office".

During his final days he requested me to be at the hospital and spend some time with him and I of course did, there was a strong bond and frienship there. The last day we spoke he asked me to attend the funeral, when the time came. I honoured his wishes and when I have met some of the people in his life it was not an issue for me and of course I was not known as "Lexy" to him or others. For him this was a special situation and case.

 

I don't know if I would attend someones funeral who I did not know as well as him.

 

That would be a hard decision to make, if I was asked and they only knew me as "Lexy". I doubt I would attend but after the burial, I would visit the grave site if they had one and place flowers and say my good bye then.

[castle 38816]

I replied on this very subject in the other thread, so I just cut and pasted my post:

 

"Personally, and this is just my opinion and I completely understand why some would disagree, but I would hope that if I pass away and one of my regular SP's finds out about it in time that they would feel that they can come to the funeral, at least under the guise of friend or former coworker. SP's are people too and should be allowed to pay their respects. I only see SP's when I'm single, and I'm the type who is not really into the whole "cruising the bars for chicks" scene, so while I'm single SP's are my only outlet for physical intimacy, or intimacy of any kind really. So the SP's I see regularly are a very large and important part of my life. As such I feel they would have just as much right to be there as anyone else."

 

I'm glad to hear you're open to the idea of attending the funeral, or as Lexy suggested, at the very least visiting the grave site at a later time. One way or the other everyone should the right to be able to pay their respects.

[Guest ****ven]

Recently one of my first clients ever passed away due to terminal illness, and I must say it was just as gut-wrenching as losing a close friend, family member, or even lover.

 

We had a long established arrangement, in fact I'm pretty sure he had paid more of my tuition then even I had. We looked out for each other and I was there for him when he needed and vica versa. We saw each other at least2-3 times weekly until he fell truly sick and I still visited at the hospital when an inconspicuous time could be arranged.

 

Where I am going with this is that whether or not it is an SP to hobbyist relation, humans still form bonds to each other based on interaction, chemistry, and proximity. An emotional bond is just natural.

 

Because of this I might go as far as to say I even loved this client in a certain way, and if I hadn't been able to go I don't would have had the proper closure to move on with my own life.

 

We are all human, and whether or not there is an exchange involved going to the funeral of someone you have social microlevel involvement is perfectly doable, and easy to maintain discretion (In this instance since he was a teacher I simply said I was a former student), and I certainly know in this instance where an actual relationship was formed that I was wanted by my client at the funeral.

 

And now I'm sad. SPs are human too.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the funeral of someone that paid me to be "friendly" with them. As much as feelings may arise, business is business to me. Almost every attempt to have friendly relations that come from business had failed for me, then again who I am to talk, I married a client and if he dies, for sure I would be there.

We can't help it, we are only human and these things we call feelings, we can't help. And, what's so wrong with developing feelings for someone, even if they paid you in the beginning? Love is love, right?

[Touch 57501]

I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the funeral of someone that paid me to be "friendly" with them.

 

We can't help it, we are only human and these things we call feelings, we can't help. And, what's so wrong with developing feelings for someone, even if they paid you in the beginning?

 

Some times feelings do mutually develop in what started as a business relationship -- I consider that to be a positive aspect of being human!

 

That is why I WOULD consider going to a provider's funeral, (or on the other hand to putting them in my will). Although as the original poster articulated there are lots of circumstance where I would refrain from doing either of these things depending on the impact in might have.

 

Touch

[JuliasUndies 7288]

(or on the other hand to putting them in my will).

Touch

 

Paid or not, if someone was very nice to me and made me feel special, good and wonderful all the time, I would certainly put them in my will.

...

Talking funerals and clients, running into clients at funerals(at the after party)(at their house) kinda awkward!

[ottawaadventurer 5114]

I would be honored to have someone like you be at my funeral. Funerals are about the living, not the dead. I have been to dozens of funerals and I have never been asked who I am or why I am there unless I have gone through the family line-up. So, for all the ladies I've seen - please come when I die. :-)

[roamingguy 300292]

First, and I've said this before, there is no lady that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of seeing, nor would it bother me if I was seen in public with her.

That said, if (well when) I die, and there is a lady that she and I have had a extra special interpersonal relationship, beyond the simple SP/Client relationship, and she would like to attend the funeral (or if more discrete, the visitation) it wouldn't bother me (if that makes sense under the circumstances). Anyone asks, just introduce yourself as a friend, no need that details have to be given.

But first and formost, do what makes you comfortable. If a private visit to the grave is what would be most comfortable, do that. If no vist, no attending the service etc at all, do that. It doesn't take away or minimize the times you had together, which were real, and mutually beneficial on more than just the simple SP/Client level, and at the end of the day, that was far more important to the two of you. Connections like that don't happen everyday, cherrish those memories.

Some quick thoughts

RG

[Boomer 33202]

I can't see any reason not to attend the service in a discrete way. As ottawaadventurer said, this is for the living and if you've developed a close personal bond with the client, then it's a way for you to show respect and gain closure for yourself. This is a business, but we all are human and it's unavoidable that we don't occasionally develop real bonds with each other.

[Old Dog 179138]

Like RG, I am in a situation where my friends are my friends, regardless of what they do.

 

So... when the time comes, you are invited to my funeral. Bring money for my kids, I spent all of mine on SPs.

[Guest f***2f***]

An interesting thread. I agree with what someone said a few comments back...if you consider me your friend come and celebrate. My funeral will be a celebration of my life not of my death. I go to funerals for people whom I've done business with or are professional friends so why wouldn't you be welcome at this final hurrah?

My lawyer, my accountant and several others will be there...why not my favorite SPs and fellow hobbyists??

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

It's heartening to read these posts about how welcome SPs would be at many of the gentlemen's funerals. Seriously, you've lifted my spirit considerably because one of the difficult things about being in this business is always having to be so private, so discreet, so attentive to confidentiality matters that we must virtually erase ourselves from clients' lives. Just knowing that the posters, above, recognize the importance of marking important people in our lives and finding closure when they pass away, makes a big difference to me.

 

Of course, context is everything. I would be very cautious about my presence and behaviour if the client's spouse is still alive: as far as I'm concerned, whatever passed between me and her husband is not about her, and I am not a threat to anyone's marriage--though she would probably feel otherwise--and I would not want to compound her loss or add to her grief.

[Chanel Reign 28097]

I lost my Father in January and I can honestly say that I don't remember much of the the first few weeks, and I certainly didn't question who or why some folks were there. I can't even remember half of the people that were there.

 

Just because they don't know you, do what you are going to do. You don't have a big sign over your head. You were a friend, and deserve to be there should you choose.

[Boomer 33202]

I lost my Father in January and I can honestly say that I don't remember much of the the first few weeks, and I certainly didn't question who or why some folks were there. I can't even remember half of the people that were there.

 

Just because they don't know you, do what you are going to do. You don't have a big sign over your head. You were a friend, and deserve to be there should you choose.

 

I agree, when my wife passed away, I was wrapped up with my kids feelings and can't honestly remember who was at the various events, other than the immediate family. She was popular and there many people that came by, many I didn't know and had to introduce themselves.

 

So, if you are going to attend out of respect, then it can be done discretely, and you probably won't even be noticed.

[mrrnice2 157005]

I agree, when my wife passed away, I was wrapped up with my kids feelings and can't honestly remember who was at the various events, other than the immediate family. She was popular and there many people that came by, many I didn't know and had to introduce themselves.

 

So, if you are going to attend out of respect, then it can be done discretely, and you probably won't even be noticed.

 

 

I was in the same position as Boomer, and his experience was identical with my own. I know with certainty that people that I did not know introduced themselves and as well, that there were people that I did not know who came and left for their own reasons without seeking me out at all. My thoughts were all positive in knowing that my wife had people who came to pay their respects for her alone and not for reasons of supporting me or of feeling a need to "make an appearance".

 

I am touched by the response here to this topic.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Chanel, Boomer and Mrrnice2, I'm very sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is hard. The death of a spouse is just as hard or harder. I hope that each of you is finding peace, comfort and light.

 

I've no doubt that you don't remember everything that happened at the funeral, and that you don't mind not knowing all the people who attended. That the people were there was likely a great comfort for you.

 

One of my concerns, as a paid companion, is that many people who are not bereaved family and very close friends are sometimes uncharitable. Yes, they care about the one who has died, and their family. But their curiosity and imaginations are also working in fine form and too often incline in darker, more suspicious directions. Moreover, very good men often have secrets that others have helped to conceal or ignore. While I can't do anything about other secrets in someone's life, I can take steps to reduce the likelihood that I may be associated with such things. I will protect my client's privacy, and my own,even if it might seem that I'm being more diligent than I might need to be. It's just a personal judgment call, for me. It's my way of honouring someone who has been a part of my life.