LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted September 12, 2012 Why yes we are looking after Old Dog at the lodge !!! French toast Tofu sticks for breaky Tofu puffs for lunch and Tofu dumplings for sup sup Lots of no beers Some candy cigarettes .... king size of course and finally Barbie the blow up doll ;) Baby steps OD baby steps !! Cheers to Old Dog :D :chug:Your a good dog. Very soon the ladies will once again be saying "down boy...bad dog" ;) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted March 16, 2013 Wow! It's been a long time since the last update from the BBM lodge. I'm sure you're all dying to know what's been going on, right? Right? Tough. I'm telling you anyway. Well, winter did not begin well. The problem was... Old Dog went to the bathroom... and came out with a look on his face. You know, that look. The one that says... trouble. So, whaddaya do? Seal the place up and hope it doesn't melt? Or dissolve? Or open a window? Did I mention that this was over the winter? I didn't? It was. It was a close call, but we couldn't risk the loss of the entirity of FBBBM Towers... so we went for ventilation. There were, alas, consequences... Well, we survived that. Just. We threw OD in the snow, because he deserved it: Lee Richards also visited FB BBM HQ recently. His official excuse was that he was going to learn to fly. I couldn't imagine anything that size learning to fly, but.... turns out I was wrong! Although I fear occult influences may have been at work... Lee also decided he needed some new sexy pics to entice the ladies. Well, we hired a top-Notch Johnson-photographer... but I don't think he enjoyed the shoot much... But it must have been worth it, because he got that rarest of shots... Lee doing - wait for it - exercise! Well, that got us up to the holidays. More news to come! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 16, 2013 But it must have been worth it, because he got that rarest of shots... Lee doing - wait for it - exercise! Well, that got us up to the holidays. More news to come! Goddamitt !!! I paid off that photographer with a case of cheap beer to destroy that pic !! Those colors sooooooo don't look good on me ... ;) and I look fat .... I would have changed and done a pic with a different outfit but I can only squat once a day ............ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SamanthaEvans 166766 Report post Posted March 16, 2013 Phaedrus, it's a relief to have this update. I've considered gathering a group of ladies together along with a few dogsleds (pulled by crews of eager submissive men) and making the trek to your playground. It doesn't look like spring is going arrive for a little while yet. Even out here on the Wet Coast, many, many micrometers of rain continue to fall almost constantly. I haven't taken action on this idea, though, because of the possibility that you gentlemen might still be in full hibernation mode. While there's no problem in getting the man slaves to drag sleighs full of lovely, scantily-dressed yet fur-wrapped companions just about anywhere we want to go (you really should see how hard they run, particularly when Cat controls the leashes and the whip--she's a little bit terrifying, in her devastatingly sexy way, of course), it's quite another thing to get slaves to do much in the way of heavy excavation work. I understand that the stench emitted by the closed-in dens you guys have been holed up in is overwhelming, at best. However, it seems that some of you, at least, have dug your way out without assistance. Bravo! It also appears that you've found a squirrel or two to run in the wheel that drives your computer equipment. Bravo, again! Eagerly awaiting your next report, Samantha 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) Well we did have a meeting with some of the executive committee on Monday. Lee, Phaedrus and I decided we needed to seek the assistance of professional business planners. People that could turn our business around. People that actually know what they are doing. People with boobs. Women. Lee went out and hustled us up some women to act as consultants. We brought them in to the meeting and they sure looked pretty, but dammit, as soon as Lee took off the blindfolds and cut the ropes they scattered. Lee, said that that was the best he could do with the budget we gave him. We decided that inviting consultants was a much better idea. We let Phaedrus do all the talking. He is as smooth as... something that's smooth. We actually had some show up. They were frightened at first but then Phaedrus started speaking all suave and debonair to distract them with his foreign accent. It's a good thing he can write because we can't understand a single word he says when he talks. He says he is from some foreign island like Latvia or Israel or Zimbabwe, but I think he may be one of them Limeys. Anyways, while Phaedrus was talking, Lee and I went off and got all gussied up. We were the picture of manliness when we actually appeared. It's a good thing we had the oversized pants and extra socks; bathing in a snowbank has its disadvantages in the nether regions. I know I was packing what looked like an olive and two raisins when I was done... Lee was just crying. The consultants were real pretty. REAL pretty. After a long winter with just the boys in the lodge, anything without hair on its butt looks pretty, but these women were GOR-Ge-OUS. We think they may have been saying words to us, but we mostly just stared at their boobies. Okay, when they stood up and walked around we looked at their butts too, but mostly it was boobies. They stayed around and talked for a while, presented flip charts and all of that stuff, and frankly we should have taken notes, but it's been a long winter. Boobies are distracting. When the girls left, we drank. We stopped drinking when all we had left was drain cleaner. We figured we should save that, because frankly we had run out of mix. Although we did not get a great deal of business knowledge from the consultants, we did figure out that we didn't end up empty handed. I know they inspired me all night long. We need to buy more Jergens and Kleenex. (Antlerman, if you are reading this, please send a few cases.) We also learned that we should try to stay clean. As soon as the bathroom thaws we have vowed to replace the windows and the plumbing fixtures. Those consultants smelled nice. They didn't sport an extraneous hair from ears, noses and knuckles. See, we did learn something. Our consultants may return... any other consultants that wish to present their business plans are welcome to do so in the boxes below! Edited March 16, 2013 by Old Dog Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted March 16, 2013 Lee, I remember you bribing the photographer to destroy the pictures. Fortunately, however, I had previously bribed him with a bacon sandwich to give me a copy. And yes, you do look fat... this is, after all, the world famous FB-BBM agency, and we have standards to maintain! Aaaanyway... you may have been wondering why our friend Hfxandy wasn't in the last update? Well, he'd been away, and had a hard time getting back. First, he had to find his truck... ...and then make sure it had enough gas... The driving got pretty hard at times, and we weren't sure if he was going to make it... ...I mean, we REALLY weren't sure! And the navigation was tricky at times. But... he made it eventually And best of all, he brought us something that we've never had at BBM Towers before. He brought.... interns! So, Samantha, that explains this sudden burst of activity from the BBM-cave - unfortunately the squirrels weren't up to working the treadmill to make our computers work, but the interns have done a marvelous job which has allowed us to get back in touch with the outside world (although I regret to announce that the cost in bacon sandwiches has been immense; so much so, alas, that I didn't have any left to bribe the photographer to give me any more of Lee's photoshoot). And we're so glad that you'll be coming to visit that we've now put the interns to work smartening the place up so that it'll all be ready for the arrival of your magnificent self, plus whatever assorted man-slaves you've required to pull your sled to get here. Actually, if you don't mind, we have a job or two for them lined up as well... 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted March 18, 2013 So, as I mentioned yesterday, hfxandy brought us - at great risk to himself, never mind his cargo - a bunch of interns! We've never had interns at BBM Towers before, and to be honest they were all a bit on the skinny side when they arrived. In fact, to be really honest, they still are a bit skinny, despite our efforts to feed them up with a high-bacon diet. They insist on eating these strange green things that that they call vege-tables, although I haven't yet worked out what was wrong with the tables we already had. The old tables are a lot tastier than the new vege-tables, because they now contain the accumulation of years of bacon-sandwich-making-spillage, which makes for an immensely satisfying bacon-flavoured snack between sandwiches. So, I'm sure you'll be dying to know what we've been doing with these exotic creatures? We got to work once we knew that Samantha had harnessed her man-harem to the sleds and was on her way... but when we heard Cat was driving, it was clear that their arrival would be sooner than anticipated and all hands would be required on deck if we were going to be ready in time. Well, first up, we had to make sure we looked nice for when the ladies arrived. So we got the interns to make a start on the ironing: (no, you didn't see the butt-plug. Move along) The BBM lodge has also been brought up to tip-top shape. We had them cut the grass: The hot-tub has been renovated... ...and the indoor pool, too. Of course, the interns need to be allowed some time off from all the hard work. Some of the things they do are self-explanatory: But some stuff, I simply don't get: But what bout me? I took up trampolining in an effort to get (somewhat) fit over the winter. You should have seen the grace with which I flew through the air! I floated like the Hindenburg, was almost as manoeverable, and also almost as flammable (bacon-grease does that). Alas, that escapade didn't last long, and the interns were unable to repair the damage... But after all that hard work (they ironed Lee's underwear, for Pete's sake!), they probably deserve a break: However, we do appreciate the importance of a good gin and tonic for the ladies, and that's much too important to leave to the interns. So, please, rest assured: Old Dog has been personally making sure that the ice for your G&T is of suitable quality! Samantha, Cat: if you have any complaints, please let us know, and we'll send him back in until he gets it right... But don't send him back too often, or he'll probably pee in the pool. 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 18, 2013 I think I solved the gutter problem!!! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndyofHalifax 15339 Report post Posted March 19, 2013 Thanks Phaedrus for filling people in on my recent whereabouts, however, for those who've been wondering where I've been lately, it's a bit of a story. See, the boys decided we needed to class up the BBM lodge, and what better way to do that than to improve our service. They decided to pool their money and send me to Japan to learn how to be a geisha so we could properly entertain our guests. So I hitched up my trailer and off I went. But, they wouldn't let me into the Geisha training on the account of me being a man. They sure had poor English, as I couldn't understand a word they said, but it sounded like uncouth, obnoxious and repugnant, whatever that means. So I headed into downtown Tokyo. They must not have been used to seeing someone my size, because they started fleeing (Special appearance by LeeRichards who was visiting) And then I found them, a true inspiration to Fat Bastards everywhere I lived with the Sumo Wrestlers for several months and they taught me everything they knew about being Fat Bastards. I came back to the lodge and taught all the boys. So we may not have improved our service much, but we sure are better at being Fat Bastards! Plus, now we don't have to hold back on our bacon consumption for the sake of our figures Here's Old Dog, Phaedrus and Myself showing off our new physiques. 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 19, 2013 Well I see the other Fatter Bastards are keeping you up to date on what is shaking during the winter months. It is true that Brother Lee was able to attend a meeting a week ago at the FB BBM head office in the village of Ottawa. This was good because it has no bathroom windows for Old Dog to blow out but strange....I believe it has a toilet out of an airplane in it ???? oh well..... Anywhooooooo....... As OD, Phaedrus and I were standing there looking around at boobies with our orange reading glasses on thinking that they didn't actually notice us staring ...... we reluctantly decided we should have an annual meeting. So Phaedrus being all suave and debonair with his accent and the fact he was about 2 feet taller than me persuaded me to be the secretary and read the minutes from last meeting.... allrighty then...I looked at OD in disapproval and he growled...allrighty then ! Good thing I took the Evelyn Woodhead Speed Reading course awhile back Also FYI ...... I took a typing speed test recently online and I did well..... I could type 1 words per minute with only 1 mistake :) Took me a week to get this report done but here it is. So Minutes from last meeting taken by Andy .... my guess is he had his secretary with him last year cause his minutes were hard to read.... I managed though to read between the b...... lines ! Attendence.... Can't remember ...boobs.....and I was drunk Old business Bigger beer fridge needed Need more toilet seats for the horseshoe game Need more duct tape for Sissy's birth control protection Need more dynamite for our fishing derby this year Turns out Bud Light didn't sponsor Redneck Olympics Apparently tequila makes OD's pants fall down...no more ! BEER & PEE BREAK ! Treasurer's Report Tobacco can - #1 - $5 Tobacco can - #2 $50 in IOU's Investments - Jason Spezza rookie card -undetermined New Business Need more beer for larger beer fridge We now need more toilet seats for the outhouses so we discussed bathroom renovations...... Overbudget so why discuss new business anymore ?? BEER & PEE BREAK ! Sickness & Distress Old Dog has blue balls ... motion passed to get him a sexy blow up doll named Allotta .....extra heavy skin and durable so it doesn't blow up when he pricks it.... Meeting adjourned at ........... hmmm guess I was too drunk to see the clock ! We then retired to the lounging area with our drool bibs on for an evening of fellowship and friendship with the lovely guests in attendance. It was low key and playful.... Thanks to our gracious host and greeter at the door..... 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eric Northman 16522 Report post Posted March 19, 2013 I'm just gonna leave this right here... http://www.marvelousmanboobs.com/ :-D 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 ...on a couple of points of etiquette. I tried asking the other guys, but they don't seem to know much about it, or even whether it goes well with bacon. To be honest, neither do I... First question: I've heard that gum is useful to disguise the smell of stale beer. Is this true? And am I doing it right? And does it make me sexier? Lee says it does because you can't see my face any more, but I think he's just jealous. Also, I was told that having flowers might help. Do they work? It's actually a lot of effort to keep them looking nice, 'cos Old Dog keeps eating them. Your feedback is appreciated... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Phaedrus my friend... the flowers thing??? Seriously??? Just because I said I had done some de-flowering in my time doesn't mean I ate actual flowers.... Jeebus. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Ladies, looks like I need some more advice: OD was offering to de-flower me. Should I let him? Will I like it? Can I get my flowers back afterwards? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Phaedrus my friend... the flowers thing??? Seriously??? Just because I said I had done some de-flowering in my time doesn't mean I ate actual flowers.... Jeebus. Ladies, looks like I need some more advice: OD was offering to de-flower me. Should I let him? Will I like it? Can I get my flowers back afterwards? Get a room you two !!! and keep it down please !!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Lee... I was actually trying to arrange something with his sister/cousins (that's how it is in some families...), Phaedrene and Phaedralisa. He got confused. Phaedralisa just had that nasty gap in her teeth filled in, and Phaedrene almost has all of her hair back after the exploding still incident. Both of them need to do something about the abundant hair on their backs but I was just making a public service gesture. I also wanted Phaedrus' uncle/daddy drunk enough that he can't find the AK 47 he keeps in the barn. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndyofHalifax 15339 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Uh oh. Looks like the liquor in the still is too strong again and Old Dog and Phadreus got into it. For self professed heavyweights, you both are lightweights when it comes to moonshine. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Meaghan McLeod 179664 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Ladies, looks like I need some more advice: OD was offering to de-flower me. Should I let him? Will I like it? Can I get my flowers back afterwards? Well sweetie, it kinda hurts when you first do it, but after you have done it a bunch of times it still hurts like crap. Kinda like waxing your back hairs off, but not as bad as plucking your nose hairs out. (I know you havent had either done yet, but you get the picture). Well, if he does de-flower you, make sure you have cleaned yourself first. Go into the shower (thats the room you usually piss in, but next to the toilet is a big tub that water comes out of. There shoudl be soap and shampoo in it too if you listened to your inner voice when you went to the beer store). Turn on the tap, wash up (remember to use the soap and actually soap the areas you know your lady friends want to explore) and then dry yourself up. Please make sure you refrain from using your aqua velva.....I know you like it, but please... Once you are ready, you are ready to be de-flowered. Remember it hurts like a bee sting. Once that is over, you are ready to face the world. Just remember to stay away from bees..... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Well sweetie, it kinda hurts when you first do it, but after you have done it a bunch of times it still hurts like crap. Kinda like waxing your back hairs off, but not as bad as plucking your nose hairs out. (I know you havent had either done yet, but you get the picture). Well, if he does de-flower you, make sure you have cleaned yourself first. Go into the shower (thats the room you usually piss in, but next to the toilet is a big tub that water comes out of. There shoudl be soap and shampoo in it too if you listened to your inner voice when you went to the beer store). Turn on the tap, wash up (remember to use the soap and actually soap the areas you know your lady friends want to explore) and then dry yourself up. Please make sure you refrain from using your aqua velva.....I know you like it, but please... Once you are ready, you are ready to be de-flowered. Remember it hurts like a bee sting. Once that is over, you are ready to face the world. Just remember to stay away from bees..... Okey Dokey ......Great advise Meaghan but let me break this down a little bit cause this isn't your every day Lodge ! Bathroom ... upper level is preferred as a rule when able to climb Tub We have one right beside the outhouse roughly 100 metres away Shampoo and soap close by all in one bottle back in the lodge beside the still !! Here's the tap out by the barn...but kinda low water pressure No Aqua Velva here....Old Spice baby !! Old Spice !! And for the bee sting Phaedrus....duct tape....... just pretend there is polysporin on it cause that fixes everything apparently.... PS Meaghan don't ever mention inner voice to Phaedrus.... cause he mumbles this in his sleep and I don't like it one bit ! Think Old Dogs and pretty pretty de-flowers and bees !! and apparently it only stings a weeeee bit Phaedrus ;) 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 Ummmm... I was really talking about his sister/cousins but .... ummmmm.... if it's good for the business.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 22, 2013 True story. Phaedrus, Old Dog and Andy were travelling to the Redneck Handicapped Olympics at Red Lake and had to stay one night in at Red Green's house along the way. Unfortunately they had to share one double bed. In the morning, Andy said, "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob." Old Dog replied, "That's weird so did I." Phaedrus retorted , "Lucky for you guys...I only dreamed I was skiing." 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted March 28, 2013 Boys.... you are going to be so happy!!! I was at home depot today and they had all their patio furniture on sale!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted March 30, 2013 The Redneck Easter Bunny is getting primed up and hammered up to deliver and/or fertilize eggs later..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted April 4, 2013 Spring has sprung and the drive through is now open...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted April 5, 2013 Spring? Yes, it's almost time for the FB-BBM beach outing. We can go early and beat the crowds, because we have insulation :) Here's a photo of Andy from last year... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
