The Happy Hobbyist

[IsaMassage 54318]

I dont think this thread should die just there.., and I am putting it right back at the top.., cause i m sure some new members can get some good advice from it! Hehe and everytime i come back to it, it gets such a good laugh, because it is so hilarious, and what makes it even better is because every single word and situation are real! Even if they sound simple or even stupid at times..., They are real situations! Thanks Old Dog again, again and again!

[Old Dog 179138]

32. You don't bring me flowers...

 

You have met, once again, with the uber lovely Anita Dickens-Hyde. And once again, she lived up to her name. You are sore. If you were a lispy Viking you would be Thor, but that would be sacrilegious to the Odin. Your knees are weak. Your tongue is swollen. Your hips feel like the tin man before he got oiled. You need to hydrate.

 

Anita Dickens-Hyde (honestly, do you get the name??? It's frickin' brilliant) merits more than the envelope full of your shekels... and the gift card from Magic Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You need to express your affection. You need to express your undying fealty. You need to re-book as soon as possible but you also need to regain strength.

 

What to do... WHAT. TO. DO???

 

Inspiration. A Eureka moment. If you had a personal soundtrack, a choir of angels would be bellowing out that epiphany sound. You know where she lives... you will send FLOWERS. A dozen,no.... two dozen... no FOUR dozen long stemmed roses... special roses... like the ones picked by trained rose people. Ya... that's it.

 

Ahem.

 

Now you are scared. When the "ahem" sound goes off, it is usually followed by a series of THWACKS. Ahem = bad. THWACK = change thought process.

 

Another epiphany. Maybe, just maybe, sending something to her house would be bad. Maybe, and you are going out on a limb here, maybe she doesn't live there alone. Maybe she lives there with a significant other. He could be a devoted partner, but hates flowers. He especially hates roses. Long stemmed roses may make him kill. AGAIN. He may have penis cootie power. Jeebus. Dead and penis cooties. That'd be awkward.

 

You think, "Maybe I should ONLY give gifts to Anita Dickens-Hyde when I see her." Any spontaneous gifts sent to her home might seem a little, ummm... stalkerish... stalkeresque... stalkerinian. Okay, spontaneous gifts might give her the heeby jeebies. Heeby Jeebies are fatal to the client/provider relationship. Oooooooh, that'd be bad. She'd probably use her super powers and black list you. You'd have to sleep with... yikes. That really hot woman beside you. And by hot, I mean the sweating woman with a mean streak who has been experiencing menopause since she was 23 and who is now 56.

 

Save yourself. Don't send creepy gifts.

 

33. More alternatives to bacon sandwiches.

 

Ummmm... nope. Can't think of any.

 

34. The evidence.

 

There is no delicate way to express this. Nope. No sugar coating it.

 

You NEED to ask your provider where to put the one eyed one fingered love glove when you are done. Your latex wiener warmer can not be left willy nilly.

 

Oh... and please. PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Don't flush it. Toilets are meant for other stuff. Like pee. And... um... poo. Sometimes barf. All of the things that toilets are designed to remove. Condoms are a non-soluble solid. They tend to get stuck. Bad things happen when condoms plug a toilet. It impedes the flow of regular toilet stuff from going down. If you flush a condom down the toilet, providers get mad. When they get mad they use super powers. When they use super powers, you get sick and die AND your estate will be billed for the plumber costs. Your family will wonder why you are getting a posthumous plumber's bill and will start to ask questions. They will surmise that you have been doing evil things in other people's toilets. Your soul will remain in limbo and you will surrounded by other uncaring condom flushing ghosts. You will be mocked for an eternity. Your name will be stricken from all family records. You will be a blight on your ancestry... and all because you flushed a condom.

 

35. I need it .... NOW.

 

You sir, have a boner. You recognize this from the physical evidence and the fact that your mind is incapable of cognitive thought. What to do?

 

Call a provider. YESSSSS. Call a provider. They can ... wait. They are not here now. You have a boner and the provider is not here. Ummmmmmmmm.

 

You have cash. And a boner. You have cash and a boner and a bed. Perfect. Except. No provider. Jeeeeebus.

 

They have super powers. They have super powers cuz Old Dog told me they have super powers. Teleportation... was that on the list???? Acccccck. No. No mention of teleportation.

 

You begin to weep. Okay weeping is a bit too much. Sob. You are sobbing in a "man with a boner" way. Can you drive? Nope. Your boner will not interfere with shifting or steering BUT it will impede your ability to concentrate.

 

Solution? Internet porn. Yup. That's it. Gotta do it. Kleenex. Lotion. Guilt.

 

Gentlemen, planning is your best friend. Providers like a schedule and MAY be available on short notice BUT your best bet is to book well in advance of early onset boner. Planning will train your penis into becoming fiscally responsible. Planning will also train your penis as to the appropriate time to become erect. Inappropriate erections can make you lose friends, family and jobs. Planning can save your emotional well being. Your penis will thank you for it, in the way that penissiessisiisessis give thanks.

 

... more later....

[Guest paq****5]

This should not stop OD,

 

I had lots of laughs and it is so true!

May I commend you on your writing skills and good sense of humor!

 

Please do not post ass kisser certificate after you read this on me please!LOL

[Phaedrus 209521]

36. Discretion, and incalls

 

So, you visited Alotta at her incall. You had an awesome time. You wrote a reco, even! But now someone's dropped you a PM, because they're thinking about going to see her too, but they were wondering where her incall is...

 

First up, this is her information to give out, really, so the curious can simply be referred to Alotta herself. If you must reply, it's probably fine to say that she's in a central location, or north/south/east/west end of town. It may or may not be acceptable to say that she's in, say, New Edinburgh, depending on the provider in question. But what you must NOT do is give a precise location, because if it ever gets out that the resident of 24 Sussex Drive is getting paid for screwing an awful lot of people then there'll be hell to pay.

[Guest T*rb***k]

Thanks OD, this is a great post and enjoyed reading all of yours and the others comments.

 

Try a little strawberry jam on that bacon sandwich; trust me it's good :)

[hawtguy 100]

Well written, true and a very fun read. Should be read as part of the requirements before getting a username :-)

[Phaedrus 209521]

With her expressed written permission I have posted the link to her blog entry of April 2nd, 2013. Here it is:

 

http://www.larabellesydneyescort.com/reviews-respect-and-the-ripple-effect-in-the-sex-industry/

 

Any guys who are still wondering why some SPs ask for references or conduct screening should read this.

 

AND THEN QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT.

 

FOREVER.

[Old Dog 179138]

Any guys who are still wondering why some SPs ask for references or conduct screening should read this.

 

AND THEN QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT.

 

FOREVER.

 

Amen brother.

 

Lara was great to share that with us, and it infuriated me reading it. A few of us have been blessed enough to really get to know the women of our industry - not just the seductive, sexy side but the woman behind the mask. It terrifies me that there are men out there with that kind of thought process - preying on the people that many of us really love.

[Eric Northman 16522]

Amen brother.

 

Lara was great to share that with us, and it infuriated me reading it. A few of us have been blessed enough to really get to know the women of our industry - not just the seductive, sexy side but the woman behind the mask. It terrifies me that there are men out there with that kind of thought process - preying on the people that many of us really love.

 

Agreed. I feel a very strong attachment for the women I've met here, not just as providers but as wonderful human beings. The thought that someone would treat somebody that I care about so poorly fills me with a mighty rage. If I ever met someone who bragged of that sort of behavior.....HULK SMASH!!!

[Guest a**4*]

I have met wonderful ladies here, people that do not have respect for women are nothing more than gutless,pieces of garbage i have a great friendship with a girl here i always worried someone would harm her,any problems to call,text me anytime it will be a bad day for them,even to harm other ladies here i would be pissed,have no patience for these disrespectful people do not harm any lady here or anywhere else garbage goes to the curb and i don't give dam who you are

[whitesheep 230]

BEST THREAD EVER...I love bacon sandwiches...

[Lara Belle 561]

Thanks Old Dog for sharing my blog here :)

 

This board looks amazing - I'm really keen to peruse it in more detail. Also I now feel like a bacon sandwich ;)

 

Lara xxx

[Old Dog 179138]

Thanks Old Dog for sharing my blog here :)

 

This board looks amazing - I'm really keen to peruse it in more detail. Also I now feel like a bacon sandwich ;)

 

Lara xxx

 

Lara.... you are more than welcome!!! I'm glad you took the opportunity to join us here!!! ;)

[Guest funstuff4you (Closed Accou]

Awesome read Old Dog. Lots of good stuff, plenty of laughs and some sobering thoughts. mmm bacon...

[curiousJoe77 130]

Old Dog,

 

You are so right with this list of helpful advice. Personally, I like to treat a date with a Service Provider exactly the same as a date with a woman out in the great big wide world. Treat everyone with love and respect, be courteous, clean and on time, follow the SP's rules and limits, and life will be better for all of us... Dontcha think?

[Operaguynb 370]

Thanks for this

[lv2smilewithu 120]

8. Safety first

 

If you are a guy you KNOW that wearing a condom is akin to drinking beer with a straw. It's not as good as without but in the end, it's not that bad.

 

Wearing a condom let's you go home to your significant other and not wear one. It's as simple as that. It also lets your wickedly awesome provider also go home to HER significant other (if applicable) and not have to demand that they wear one.

 

It creates that safe barrier between both of you and the great unknown. The likelihood is that you are both very clean and very safe... but why take the risk???

 

If I can only make one super serious point in this entire thread, it's this. STDs are ugly. HIV is heinous. AIDS is deadly.

 

Nuff said on dat.

 

9. Fragrance

 

I know it's aesthetics, but we all like to smell good. Many of us have a particular scent that just works with our body chemistry.

 

Not every commercially available scent is good. Ice Blue Aqua Velva is a manly scent that many of your grandfathers wore to cover the fact that their homes had no running water and that they could only bathe monthly. Aqua Velva, Brut and Hai Karate should not be worn by any man with a birth date after 1919. Bay Rum is used by pirates to kill scurvy and to keep other lonely, lusty pirates away. Anything that you purchased prior to the millennium should probably be used as drain cleaner. Febreeze is not an acceptable cologne.

 

Scent should be used in a delicate fashion. You should be able to smell it only at very close range. Ohhhh... and your twig and berries do not require the assistance of any eau de cologne. No. They. Don't. Spray cologne on your arm. Now lick your arm. Lick it again. And again. And again. And again. Now give that arm a suck... oh yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about.... lick that arm until it gives you the goods... STOP. What does your mouth taste like? That's why you don't spray stuff on your tackle and bait.

 

Ohhhhh... and here's a tip for both ladies and gents: If you are somebody that has sensitivities to fragrance PLEASE let it be known at time of booking. We all want to have a sexy time. Runny eyes, snotty noses and swollen tongues ... not so sexy.

 

10. First contact.

 

Ohhhh the jitters. You have seen her. She is beautiful. She has two of those, and one of those and a great one of those... she has a beautiful mind, she expresses herself so well.... she's funny!!! She's profound. She's smart. She's perfect!!!!!!!

 

I gotta write her. I have to PM her and ask if we can get together. I went to her website and checked the rates and the menu (like all SMART hobby guys do ;) ) ... and now I am ready to write her. I know what I want... I have the money put aside (thanks for reminding me of that Old Dog!!)... I am .... FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK.... what do I write???

 

Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.

 

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 7 inch purple python of love poised and waiting for your girl cave <THWACK> ... okay... maybe that sounded a little stalker like, but I do get kudos for being more accurate. Thanks again for the head smack.

 

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 5.5 inch throbbing man stick just waiting for you to... <THWACK> ... okay... WTF??? Why do you keep hitting me????

 

Try "Hi Alotta, I saw your website and would be very interested in meeting you next Tuesday afternoon. Please let me know if that works with your schedule!

 

Thanks,

Happy Hobbyist."

 

Simplicity works. You aren't writing a Penthouse letter... you are booking with a professional provider. She knows you are interested. She will see your penis. (There I said the penis word. Whooops said it again.) No need to go into goofy graphic detail... plus when you write that stuff, you get that creepy smile and that's frickin' scary ... stop it now.

 

11. Bacon Sandwiches.

 

Providers - you know it. Bacon sandwiches save lives. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but I think it definitely would be a pot sweetener if you had bacon sandwiches as a mandatory refreshment at your incall.

 

I like mine toasted with lettuce, tomato, mayo and a little salt and pepper. Cut into triangles, but you don't have to cut off the crusts. MegForFun cuts off the crusts for me but that is because she loves me.

 

Bacon sandwiches will improve your business and will put you that much further ahead than providers who only provide ham sandwiches or cheese sandwiches and much further ahead than providers who don't make any sandwiches. Bacon sandwiches just make good business sense.

 

wait there's more.... later ;)

Lol bacon? bacon? You get bacon! Sweet :P I'm learning something new every day :)

[Old Dog 179138]

38. Living Social Deals, Groupons, Senior Discounts and Student Bus Passes.

 

Ummmmmm.... no. No. No..... and no.

 

You think this is a joke? Seriously. It's not a joke. Don't get me wrong, it's funny as hell, but some guys have ACTUALLY asked whether any of the aforementioned were either available or applied to the fee structure.

 

Soooooo.... ummmm... gentlemen.... when you call one of the wonderful providers asking for one of these discounts, you will now be scorned. Scorned and humiliated. Scorned, humiliated and chastised. Not a candidate for penis cooties, but definitely out of the running for a bacon sandwich. And you deserve it.

 

39. Surprise!!!!

 

Sometimes, surprises are great. Like, ummmm... necklaces, and rings, and pendants and earrings ... pretty much the entire jewellery food group. Gift certificates are good too. Live animals... sure... maybe, no. Not really. Unless they want a pony. Girls love ponies. Okay not ALL girls love ponies. And it's hard to sneak a pony into an elevator.

 

Other surprises... hmmm. That's between you and your provider. And sometimes... yes, sometimes you need to let your provider know when you are fixing up a surprise. Like showing up in size 18 lingerie. Lingerie is cool. Don't get me wrong. Lingerie can make you feel pretty (so I'm told.) But showing up in lingerie may be a bit disconcerting. She might even giggle. A LOT. She might be wearing the same lingerie as you and feel uncomfortable. She may admire your lingerie. But... and this is a big but (not that your butt looks big in lingerie) if you had told her that you were going to wear a frilly teddy and a peekaboo bra, her reaction may not have been so... ummmm... giggly, or frightened... or a combination, friggly (that's right, I made up a word.)

 

Some providers may be COOL with surprises.... just not all of them. It's better to get to know someone a bit before showing up in a unicorn mask replete with a special horn. Just making a suggestion!!!

 

40. More alternatives to Bacon sandwiches

 

Nope. Ummmmm... maybe.... mmmmmm, nope. Motorbaconboating!!!!!! Kinda greasy... but OMG... motorbaconboating. Okay the bacon can't be fresh out of the pan, needs to be dried on a paper towel.... but my GOD. Motobaconboating boobies would be awesome.

 

Oh I am a genius!!!!

[Meaghan McLeod 179664]

Oh I am a genius!!!!

 

You are just figuring this out now????? Thanks!

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Dear Dog,

 

It's taken me quite awhile to make this, having a small kitchen and only one frying pan, but after buying up all the bacon I could find in the grocery store today, I kept at it because you're so special. I tried not to include too many veggies, which won't make your cardiologist happy, but he's not a client of mine, yet.

 

Here, for you, for Queen Vicky's weekend:

 

[Old Dog 179138]

Dear Dog,

 

It's taken me quite awhile to make this, having a small kitchen and only one frying pan, but after buying up all the bacon I could find in the grocery store today, I kept at it because you're so special. I tried not to include too many veggies, which won't make your cardiologist happy, but he's not a client of mine, yet.

 

Here, for you, for Queen Vicky's weekend:

 

 

Samantha. Yes. I will marry you.

[sandimoon 72517]

Funniest thread ever.

Old Dog, not only are you a genius but

with that warped sense of humour, I have

concluded we are somehow related.

I've been A.W.O.L. on a break but man,

this was so much fun to come back to.

Thank you for all time & energy you put

into making an important subject into

a hilarious read.

You rock!

Sandi

P.S. If ever you can't sleep & counting sheep

doesn't do it,

put this video on replay.

Should be like an Ambien for you,

nutjob!

[JoseWpg 110]

Great post!

[Guest ***nno**n***]

So when does the manual (paper-back) version come out?

 

:-)

[dallascarguy 130]

come on guys pay is in cash only !!!!