I got caught!

[googlaid 100]

Folks, I have been on and off hobbyist...going through a stressful time now.

 

Long story short, I got caught by SO due to some sloppiness on my part. She had been suspicious, and I left some traces!

 

I really don't want to lose her as there is too much at stake! I don't want to hurt her anymore...she's insisting on counseling. But I am not sure I can stop this hobby....looking for some thoughts from hobbyists and providers! Any similar situations/advise?

[Guest B**** Fo***ine]

there must have been a reason why u started to begin with, and its looks like now its become a part or you! to stop would mean you would be denying a part of yourself! I wouldnt change for someone...

I hope this helps

[Megan'sTouch 23875]

No amount of counselling will fix things if you are unwilling to change. Sounds like you should back it up and leave.

[Reuben Sandwich 13841]

Folks, I have been on and off hobbyist...going through a stressful time now.

 

Long story short, I got caught by SO due to some sloppiness on my part. She had been suspicious, and I left some traces!

 

I really don't want to lose her as there is too much at stake! I don't want to hurt her anymore...she's insisting on counseling. But I am not sure I can stop this hobby....looking for some thoughts from hobbyists and providers! Any similar situations/advise?

 

Okay so you don't want to hurt her any more. You have a lot to talk about with her and seeing a counselor could be a good way to discover why you are hobbying and if you are willing to change for your SO. At leasst in counseling they may guide the session away from animosity and work toward a reconciliation or at least an opening up of your desire for a change in your relationship.

[Phaedrus 209521]

Obviously it's tricky for anyone to comment without knowing the details of the OP's situation. A few questions that might be worth considering, however...

 

Why did you start hobbying in the first place? And then why did you carry on? What does hobbying give you that your SO doesn't? If you stopped hobbying, could your SO fill the gap that left? And would she be prepared to do so? And is your hobbying perhaps a symptom of some deeper, underlying problem?

 

I wouldn't expect you to actually post the answers to these questions here (or even advise you to do so, for that matter, given how personal they are) - but you might find that thinking through them gives you some more answers of your own.

 

HTH

[Guest f***2f***]

Been there and the relationship ended. It's been two years now and I don't regret it. You gotta ask yourself if you're happy or not. If it's just through habit or you think it'll be too expensive to separate it's not going to work for you.

[antlerman 17064]

counseling is good for a couple if they both want it.......but if you really want it you may also need personal counseling for yourself......

 

i have been though many sessions.......and it has helped me greatly dealing with my own demons....now I know more about myself and i feel I am am better for it....and so is my So...

 

but you must really want it

[whiteman 14028]

Counseling is a two way street. Your SO wants you to go because she thinks she can change you. The question is whether she herself is willing to change herself for you, because afterall you started doing this because something wasn't right between the two of you. If she just thinks that counseling is going to find you at fault for everything and the onus being on you to change, then she may have false impressions.

 

You should go to counseling, you might find they do come up with novel ideas to help you both through it. But your SO must be willing to take the lessons too, and not just use it as a hammer on you.

[JuliasUndies 7288]

If you are married, remember the reason why you got married in the first place.

Rekindle what you can and do what it takes. Maybe getting caught is a blessing in disguise and after a rocky road to recovery you may have a better relationship than ever. She may loose faith and have low trust in you, but that is a consequence you must face. For better or for worse.

If getting kinky is a part of who you are now, then you must do your best to explain this to her..if she wants you to change and go to counselling, than she will have to get kinky with you and fill that in your life.

Being commited is very hard and I have seen some weak people end a relationship because they didn't want to try. If your woman is willing to try then I encourage you to try.

And if you enjoy the adultxxx world and can't give it up, be honest with yourself and your partner, the last thing you want to do is hurt her right?

Good luck

[VedaSloan 119179]

I think counselling might be a good way for each of you to discuss your needs/desires/wants/etc. You obviously started hobbying for a reason, so ask yourself why. If it was because of something your SO wasn't giving you, perhaps you need to talk about that with her. But by the same token, she is not getting her needs met either, so the two of you really need to sit down and be honest with each other and go from there.

[roamingguy 300291]

Not a therapist by any means, but was it sloppiness on your part that caused you to get caught, or did you secretly want to get caught. Only ask because it isn't hard to be discrete, so why weren't you

Second, which is more important. Your relationship or seeing ladies?

Third, if you are going to continue seeing escorts, why stay in a relationship...all you are doing is living a lie and hurting the one you say you love

Not judging, don't know the whole story (both sides) just some thoughts

RG

[Maverick 2873]

I think you owe it to her to go through counseling and quit the hobby, or to leave the relationship now. My concerns are a) if you go through counseling and quit, you can NEVER come back or its a massive betrayal, and b) if you leave the relationship now you might realize you don't really want to hobby anymore, and then you've lost everything. Potentially a no-win situation.

[frosty 1349]

It is not an enviable situation all I can say is hobbying is about sex marriage or relationships are about lifelong commitments assess your prorities and act accordingly

[Juice 2105]

Sometimes it is difficult to reconcile biological urges with social institutions.

[Gntlmn 796]

I would copy the text of these messages in this thread into a separate file (avoiding printing out the name of the site or any of the posters IDs) and hand it to her. There are good varied responses here and it's just beginning (maybe wait a couple more days). She may have a single mindset right now. If she sees that other people in the hobby are thinking of her feelings she may be more willing to consider that the other notions are in both of your best interest and that not all "John"s posting here are simply inconsiderate jerks.

[Boomer 33202]

If you are serious about the lady then the answer is pretty simple, you quit the hobby and accept the counseling. Quitting the hobby is difficult as it's almost like an addiction. Once you start it's a real problem kicking the habit. You can't cheat as most women have great antennae and it doesn't take long for them to realize when you're doing the dirty on them.

 

You must be realistic about the counseling though, it's a a big commitment. Both parties have to participate with complete honesty to have a chance of working and the outcome may require that each of you must make unforeseen compromises.

 

If you take the step to reconciling your relationship, best of luck. First step, close your CERB account, and delete all your bookmarks with any sites related to the industry

[roamingguy 300291]

I would copy the text of these messages in this thread into a separate file (avoiding printing out the name of the site or any of the posters IDs) and hand it to her. There are good varied responses here and it's just beginning (maybe wait a couple more days). She may have a single mindset right now. If she sees that other people in the hobby are thinking of her feelings she may be more willing to consider that the other notions are in both of your best interest and that not all "John"s posting here are simply inconsiderate jerks.

 

She may also be pissed off that he is sharing their personal life on a site devoted to seeing escorts, which she sees as the problem. I understand your point of view, but it could backfire on him.

 

Additional Comments:

If you are serious about the lady then the answer is pretty simple, you quit the hobby and accept the counseling. Quitting the hobby is difficult as it's almost like an addiction. Once you start it's a real problem kicking the habit. You can't cheat as most women have great antennae and it doesn't take long for them to realize when you're doing the dirty on them.

 

You must be realistic about the counseling though, it's a a big commitment. Both parties have to participate with complete honesty to have a chance of working and the outcome may require that each of you must make unforeseen compromises.

 

If you take the step to reconciling your relationship, best of luck. First step, close your CERB account, and delete all your bookmarks with any sites related to the industry

 

One thing about quitting the hobby, if things don't work out, you can always come back to it, where as you may only have one chance to try to save your relationship

 

RG

[googlaid 100]

Thank you all folks! I really appreciate your insights...that's all I have to say for now.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

I agree with others who have suggested you give your relationship another try, if it's important to you. Counselling is good. Find a couples counsellor for the two of you and another counsellor for just you. Suggest that your partner might consider individual counselling for herself as well. Couple's counselling can help the two of you work on communicating with each other, understanding each other's point of view, finding solutions or strategies to handle specific problems and that kind of thing. In private counselling, you might consider exploring your feelings about sex, about women, about yourself, and about your ability to communicate your sexual interests, needs, fantasies and practices with a partner who is or may be your life partner.

 

From my experience, some men see paid companions because there's something they want to experience or express that, for many reasons, they don't feel they can discuss or explore with their intimate life partner. For example, I've had clients who wanted specific kinds of play that they didn't think their wives would accept. Sometimes they feared being judged and/or rejected; sometimes they wanted to keep that specific activity completely separate from the rest of their "usual" lives. Seeing a paid companion was an excellent solution to their predicament, from their point of view, at least.

 

The thing is, despite how liberated we think our culture is, most people have a hard time talking about sex, about their own bodies, about their partner's bodies, about what they really enjoy, what they want, what they've never been able to experiment with but are curious about as well as what they don't want to do. Too much of adult sexual behaviour is badly negotiated, excessively romanticized and includes making a lot of assumptions, relying on (inaccurate) intuition, worrying about shocking or offending one's partner, feeling personal shame and embarrassment.

 

While we might imagine that we can or should be able to have the most intimate, personal conversations with our life partners, unfortunately, that's not true a lot of the time. We invest a lot in our partners and in the role(s) we play in relation to them. It can be very difficult to introduce something new into a long-standing relationship, particularly if one tends to idealize one's partner or if one feels that their role is, at least in part, to protect and shelter the partner from the hard parts of human living.

 

If at the beginning of a relationship a couple isn't able to have frequent, very frank, non-judgmental discussions about sex, bodies, physical abilities and limitations, sexual interests, turn-ons, fantasies and fears, becoming comfortable with these conversations after a lot of time has passed is a monumental task.

 

Maybe your partner will be able to appreciate that seeing a paid companion is a much less risky for your relatinoship than having an affair would be. Or maybe she will feel that infidelity is infidelity, period.

 

Sexual compatibility is as important as compatibility in other areas of our lives. It may be that you and your partner are not compatible. It may be that whatever you've been seeking with paid companions is something she would like to be doing with you, but didn't know wanted. It may be that, even if she wants to do it with you, you have a need to do it with someone who isn't part of your day-to-day life.

 

I hope you can work things out in ways that are constructive and life-enhancing for both of you and for the other people in your lives. If not, I hope that you can part amicably. Take responsibility for what you've done and try not to blame your partner for what has happened.

 

What I am certain of is, if your relationship ends as a result of what's happened, if you don't get a very good handle on what's happened, what your needs are and how to negotiate what you want with future partners, you will repeat this over and over again. I hope that you're able to find a better way for yourself.

[rickkm 328]

You may be addicted to sex, the forbidden kind that is. You should look at taking a step back from your hobbyist activities and get your priorities straight. If indeed you have too much to lose and you want to restore/fix your relationship, you will need to do that. While you can always come back to your hobbyist lifestyle, but to your relationship once broken, I don't think so. You can send me a fee for my words of wisdom; I only accept cash!!lol

[Boomer 33202]

I've seen several posts which essentially say if it doesn't work out, you have an insurance policy ( you can always come back to the hobby ). Don't go in with that attitude, it's just a recipe for failure.

[r100rs 859]

Obviously you life has become unmanageable ... you have been living a double life and with that it brings secrets which lead to shame guilt. First thing forgive yourself ... being in the self condemnation mode just leads to more acting out .... remember you are human and humans are not perfect. Don't think you are unique and different ... you are not alone in your situation nor in your past . For your partner the biggest issue is forgiveness ... a lot of people say they forgive you but they hold onto a resentment which just festers ... true forgiveness cleans the slate. This could be a new beginning for both of you if you can make it through this .... and look at the positive ... you have reached a place where you can put everything on the table ... you deepest secrets, your sexual desires, your vulnerability .... hopefully your partner can listen and open up with the same honesty .... from there you can start a new relationship based on honesty .... and truly how many people get to start over and have a reborn relationship.

 

Of course all easier said than done... it will take work, ups and downs , good days and bad days but as long as you are both on a path of growth I believe the possibilities are endless.

 

Good Luck and have fun on the incredible journey you are about to embark on.

 

r100rs

[rickkm 328]

I've seen several posts which essentially say if it doesn't work out, you have an insurance policy ( you can always come back to the hobby ). Don't go in with that attitude, it's just a recipe for failure.

 

You're missing the point; he can lose his SO if he doesn't give it a chance; you can't lose your hobby, it will always be there, always has, always will!!

[WhatARide 282]

Being in a relationship with a SO and a relationship with this activity which can equate to one or more ladies are two very different situations. Being in both means each one provides you something the other does not. Obviously we are in both types of relationships because we need and enjoy both.

 

Having only one of these relationships will only work if it can give you everything (or almost) that you need both physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is difficult but possible but only if both parties are completely open and willing to try and change and make compromises on a lifetime basis.

 

For those of us who have been in these 2 types of relationships for years, we have learned to understand how both types of relationships are needed in our lives and make us who we are. It may not be the socially accepted route but sometimes its the easier road travelled and less complex.

[Guest **ng***1]

Sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. You say there is a lot at stake but how do you think she feels? Do you care how she feels? If you do, sounds like she is willing to work it out by counselling. It might help you to understand why you are the way you are, and if you are both just spending time together. Good luck!