drlove 37202 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 I'm on the fence about a prospective new relationship. There's a lady who seems genuinely interested in me on a dating website, and we've exchanged numerous e-mails. We'll probably be meeting sometime in the near future. Here's the thing - I find her only somewhat attractive, as she's rather average looking. Now I hate to think of myself as someone who's so shallow and superficial to say that looks are the only thing that matter, since that's not the case at all. She definitely seems to be a warm, caring and decent person which is what I'm looking for. However, I still need to be attracted. The last woman I dated was a trophy girlfriend - drop dead gorgeous, but she had some serious issues. She was the bad girl disguised as the wholesome, all valley girl. Strangely enough, I still find myself pining after her, even though I know it was a toxic relationship. My question is, should I give the nice girl a chance, even though I'm only partially drawn to her in the looks department? Thanks for any and all comments! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 If you know (and your the only one who can know) that her looks are going to be a stumbling block for you to pursue a relationship, then don't even consider pursuing a relationship with her. It is headed for failure before it begins, and will only end up hurting her if she enters a relationship, likely with more serious intentions, with you If, on the other hand you truly like the lady, and believe a relationship can develop and last, and you two can be happy together, then give it a go. But if you chose to pursue a relationship, then pursue it wholeheartedly. If you get involved knowing you won't seriously pursue the relationship only leads to hurting her Signed Dr. Phil LOL Good luck RG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Isabella Gia (Banned) 53881 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 Dr.Love, For what I read you are more describing what you know is right when you mention what you want and what matters to you when it comes to dating someone. You are telling us you are looking for someone caring, warm and decent and this woman seems to have all of that BUT she in your opinion is not attractive enough which means that you may want someone with those characteristics but the priority is the way she looks. You saying your ex girlfriend was a trophy because she was gorgeous in spite of her serious issues shows looks matter more to you. Now, I'll try to say this as respectful as possible as I have no intention to offend you but 'giving her a chance??' that sounds arrogant in my opinion as you would be giving both a chance, in the end the possibility of her not liking what she sees or your personality is there too. Now, there is something you are forgetting, is the way someone carries her/himself that is really attractive more than her physical atributes. I have dated guys that if I have made the decision based on a pic I would probably pass but the whole package made them perfect for me as well as I have dated the hottest guy ever with an ugly and shallow personality which was a big turn off. I think you should think about what you really want and what you think is right to want and if you find that appearance matters more to you don't make this woman think there is a possibility she has found someone to date, waste her time and as you said hurt her feelings. 7 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andee 220524 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 Of course. Meet and then go from there. Beauty is more than skin deep, so you may surprise yourself. If she is warm and genuine, you forget all about the other one. You won't know until you try, right? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chavez 641 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 Hi Dr. love, I have only 1 question: Are you drop dead gorgeous?Most of us arn't , infact consider yourself lucky if you are only average looking (and have all the sexual equipment working). This is why we have these other attributes, warm, caring, sharing, and decent. ( i added the sharing because that is important). If she has developed this to a high level and has a high sex drive , I say give this relationship a go. The high sex drive isn't a thing that you learn, you have it or you don't. If the sex drive isn't there, it is better that she pursue another guy. ( you wouldn't be here is you didn't have a reasonably high sex drive.) Oh, and by the way, what is your drop dead gorgeous trophy girl (bad girl) up to these days? lol chavez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
drlove 37202 Report post Posted June 9, 2011 Thanks for everyone's comments so far... I'd just like to say I'm looking for a good combination of personality and looks. My reason for writing is that first and foremost, I don't want to hurt this lady. I don't want to lead her on if I have no intention of pursuing anything. That's why on our initial meeting, I'm going to focus more on her as a person in terms of her character, values, outlook on life etc.. I'm not looking for a supermodel by any means; just that I need to feel physically as well as emotionally attracted to someone, as is the case for most of us. Additional Comments: Oh, and by the way, what is your drop dead gorgeous trophy girl (bad girl) up to these days? lol chavez Looking for someone else... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stevecurious 42059 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 Dr. Love Since you asked for opinions, advice, etc. I will give you my opinion. Take my advice for what it is...advice. When I was younger (i.e. still dating) I was attracted to looks and everything else was a distant second, third, fourth, etc. For years I couldn't figure out why I was feeling unfulfilled in my relationships. I kept thinking I am dating a 10 out of 10 (looks wise) so why am I so unhappy??? It wasn't until I realized that I was missing something. I/we couldn't converse, had nothing in common and didn't seem to want to have anything in common. At that point after many, many difficult relationships I decided to take a different approach. I began to LISTEN to women...I mean really listen. It is amazing what a man can learn by sitting back and shutting up. From that point on I put an emphasis on personality and I haven't looked back since! Incidentally I have never been happier! Best of luck on your journey. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
drlove 37202 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks, Steve! Dr. Love Since you asked for opinions, advice, etc. I will give you my opinion. Take my advice for what it is...advice. When I was younger (i.e. still dating) I was attracted to looks and everything else was a distant second, third, fourth, etc. For years I couldn't figure out why I was feeling unfulfilled in my relationships. I kept thinking I am dating a 10 out of 10 (looks wise) so why am I so unhappy??? It wasn't until I realized that I was missing something. I/we couldn't converse, had nothing in common and didn't seem to want to have anything in common. At that point after many, many difficult relationships I decided to take a different approach. I began to LISTEN to women...I mean really listen. It is amazing what a man can learn by sitting back and shutting up. From that point on I put an emphasis on personality and I haven't looked back since! Incidentally I have never been happier! Best of luck on your journey. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
frosty 1349 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 why have you exchanged numerous emails with her if her looks are an issue why are you still interested in meeting her question tour motives and desires question hers as well Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 why have you exchanged numerous emails with her if her looks are an issue why are you still interested in meeting her question tour motives and desires question hers as well Why question hers???...she's on a dating site, he's on a dating site Dating is, or should be about two people getting together, see if they are compatable, and maybe develop into a relationship It's not, even before the first date, about questioning motives RG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gabriella Laurence 301887 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) I'm on the fence about a prospective new relationship. There's a lady who seems genuinely interested in me on a dating website, and we've exchanged numerous e-mails. We'll probably be meeting sometime in the near future... ...My question is, should I give the nice girl a chance, even though I'm only partially drawn to her in the looks department? Dr.Love, with all due respect and I mean no offense, I believe at this point in time, you are really over thinking this whole thing. Attraction as many facets and usually goes much deeper then just the physical aspect; to start, just take the lady out for a nice outing. Meet her in person, enjoy her company for what it is/will be at the given time... A simple pleasant first date with a pretty lady friend. Just go with the flow and take it from there ;) You never know, the chemistry the two of you might have might be so intense that you will feel like she is the "most beautiful" woman you have ever met and will have crazy butterflies in your stomach. Just remember, one step at a time ;) Good luck! Edited June 10, 2011 by Ga*****la L****nce sent before I was done so I completed my post Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fortunateone 156618 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 If you are basing her looks solely on a photo, keep in mind some people photograph well, and some people come alive only in person. Some models look fairly ordinary before special makeup, speciall lighting, and some weird angles. Some seem to give off pheromones you might find irresistable, and you won't know until touch is exchanged. Some things are chemical lol. There is a reason why some seemingly average sps are far more popular than their 10/10 or even 11/10 counterparts. So you will meet in person face to face and go from there. As mentioned, it may be you that is the undesireable one when that happens. It is not possible to not hurt her feelings if you do find her unattractive when you meet, it isn't something she isn't going to notice. But you will also hurt her feelings at this point if you bail on meeting, so it isn't something you can avoid. At the very least, you've made a new friend, that counts for a lot too. And you've put yourself out there. If not this one, maybe the next one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thedriver 6179 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 I agree with so much that has already been said but I also wanted to add something. When it comes to online dating people look at a picture and think they see the whole person. A picture is a one dimensional image of a split second of a person. Some pictures you can look at and memorize the features and when you meet the person you are unable to recognize them because the three dimensional person "The whole package" in front of you looks totaly different then what we had imagined. The real person in front of you is not just an image that we have altered in our minds to help persuade or desuade us from an imaginary future. I hope this makes sense. :icon_question: Sometimes I have trouble understanding my own thoughts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest **cely***r***ne Report post Posted June 10, 2011 In my own experiences, I say go for it. Average looking or not, she seems to have you entranced by something, and is it not then worth while to give this a chance? She could just very well be the one you've been needing in your life. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and sometimes we do get hurt. But the pain always seems to go away. I am a total fatalist, if its your destiny it will happen, and it will be great :) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958 Report post Posted June 10, 2011 Hell dude, give it a shot. At least meet the lady. Life's too damn short and you could miss out on something great. That being said though, your initial post gives me the sense that you're heart might not be entirely set on an encounter with this person. make sure going in that there are clear boundaries set so nobody gets hurt (by that I mean start on a friends level). In other words, have some harmless, innocent fun with somebody who has obviously struck a chord with you, and if something grows from it you're a lucky person. :) 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
