Addiction - Living two separate lives

[theoldguy 507]

I have to preface this with a bit of a blurb about myself to make it more coherent... I'm an early 30 something guy, well off, not unattractive, been in long term committed relationships most of my adult life, and live a normal life by day. I have a perfectly good sex life outside of the hobby, to the point where I am usually spent by the time night arrives and I find myself free.

 

I've also been working at night my entire life. Imagine a life where for 8 hours every day you live normally, with normal social interaction, and halfway through every day you end up alone. Completely cut off from everyone, nothing to do, with a job that has very few requirements and lets you do basically whatever you want. It's lonely, extremely lonely, I'd say enough to drive a sociable person mad in the long run. So I found my way to cope, in gambling and the hobby. Since my late teens I've lived a double life, and never let either one spill over into the other. I fund the one part of it (hobbying) with money made in the other part (gambling) No one in my normal life knows I hobby or that I have a gambling addiction, no one at night knows I have any strings attached to anyone and that I'm doing anything wrong or cheating on anyone. No one in my daytime life even know that I'm a smoker. My 2 lives are so different at times I've wondered if I suffered from some kind of psychosis, but it doesn't seem to fit anything I've read about.

 

For me, the hobby has never been about sex, it's been about companionship. I mostly stuck to asian companions as the language barrier prevented any feelings from developing and messing things up for me. I tried to avoid having regulars in strip clubs for the same reason, and I completely avoided "menu" or "extras" girls there. For the most part I never even become aroused during dances, and try to make it all about their experience, something they're usually extremely thankful for. Apparently I'm quite good at it.

 

Last February I realized it had to end. 6 months prior I'd proposed to my girlfriend and instead of the expected answer she broke things off. Then we worked things out and I found myself engaged. I didn't want to be the guy that cheated on a wife, I needed to stop hobbying. But stopping was harder than I thought it would be, the nights were back to being empty, and while my daytime life was completely fulfilled, I was miserable at night. So I made a deal with myself, a compromise, strip clubs don't break any laws, there's no chance of bringing home anything nasty to share with a loved one, and it permits the intimacy I crave to fill the void of that empty part of my life. It worked out fine, and I thought I could carry on like this indefinitely.

 

Then I met "her". A stripper, extremely beautiful, smart, interesting, completely different from any of the other girls in the club... and she has the same gambling addiction as I do. I won't go into too many details but I broke my rule and started seeing her regularly... how complicated that was did not help matters, and some of you will make a mental link here, but that's besides the point. She started regularly suggesting we meet socially outside the club, and I avoided it as long as I could. Then I made the big mistake. Saw her outside the club and suggested we go eat, and exchanged numbers... Didn't realize it at the time but that was opening Pandora's box.

 

I'd avoid mentioning this part but its integral to the story, so I have to mention that the next day she called me asking to borrow a ridiculously large sum of money, so thinking she was a scammer I did my research and found tons of information about her online, details about her past life, how to contact many of her friends and family members, etc... I didn't lend her the money at that point and thought I'd never hear from her again.

 

Instead, she called regularly. Maybe I encouraged it, with some drunken text flirting, maybe she thought she could soften me up and eventually get to "borrow" more money, maybe she genuinely liked me. I've yet to come to a conclusion regarding that. So I kept seeing her, in and out of the club, and spent many nights talking to her on the phone when she was out of town. This was perfect in many ways, filled that void in my life at night without me needing to even head out of the club. Some would say I was using her, others would say we were mutually using each other, as we both live lonely lives dictated by a job, cynics would say I'm an idiot that was being lead on by a stripper. I did lend her money multiple times, much smaller amounts, and she did always return the money within reasonable timeframes.

 

She also had quite a group of friends in the club, which I ended up meeting. She trusted me, so by association they trusted me, and I got somewhat close to all of them. I spent my entire summer in the club almost every night and hanging out with many of girls after closing time.

 

I concocted a story mostly based on truth about living with my ex, which I had done prior to getting back with her, which set a clear boundary about ever coming back to my place, something they suggested doing pretty regularly. I left out the part about me being engaged... Had to keep my phone on silent at all times as on the average day I'd get contacted by at least 3 of the girls. Things were complicated but I kept them separate.

 

Problem remains the first girl. She is amazing, and the more I got to know her the more I realized I was in trouble. She lied about some stuff to protect her privacy, gaps I filled in with knowledge I'd gotten when I did my research right at the beginning. I didn't hold that against her, I had my own lies to balance things out. I felt horrible about it and wanted to tell her the truth, but I really couldn't. Other things she opened up to me so much I started caring about her way too much. Once again, cynics will say she was just opening up to eventually fleece me or to keep a really profitable customer. Maybe.

 

One thing that came up all the time was how afraid she was of her non-work life finding out what she did for a living. I could relate seeing how I've been living my life. I also realized one thing, if I was able to find all that stuff about her in half an hour of online research, anyone could. Every single time she gave out her number to a customer she was putting herself at risk of a pissed off guy taking revenge by outing her to her friends and family.

 

Then I messed up, alluded to knowing her outside the club on another of these forums where she's really popular. (she works in many cities) She saw the post and was extremely mad at me. She didn't communicate with me at all for 2 weeks. This time was enough to make me realize the horrible truth, all I could think about was how to fix things up with her, I barely functioned during the daytime and neglected my normal life. Lost my appetite, couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. Fuck, I'd let myself fall in love with a stripper. I cared about her more than my own fiance.

 

Then she called one day to chat, and as usual the topic of a close call with her family came up. I had to end things, and I wasn't thinking clearly, so I did what seemed logical at the time. I told her of all the stuff that could be found about her online, I knew it would end things and I hoped she would take steps to protect herself and her privacy. 2 birds with one stone. She was livid, more so than I would ever dream of, and I'd forgotten one little detail, she currently owed me some money. I asked about the money and her answer was "you've lost alot more than your money, you've lost me!". I assumed that meant I'd lost both.

 

I let 2 weeks go by, during which I stopped by my usual club, got all the girls together, told them I'd let myself get too close to "the girl", had to end it, bought them all one last drink and explained I was too hurt and had to stay away from the club from now on and wouldnt see them again. All of this was true, I stepped out of the club, deleted all their numbers, and expected never to step back in there or see or hear from any of them anymore. Many of them did keep in touch, but I still didn't return to the club.

 

I spent my nights in lower key clubs and made a point of not getting to know any of the girls. I was completely messed up, and getting angrier about the borrowed money every day. One night it burst out and I ended up doing exactly what I had hoped to protect her from, contacted her and told her if she didn't return my money I'd out her to her friends and family. I dont know what made me do this, anger, the need to communicate with her in any way, I've spent hours thinking about it and I can't come to terms with what I did, it really wasn't that much money. I should have just let it go. Her answer made me realize how much I'd hurt her, and I ended up telling her to keep the money. I dont know if that was just her hustling her way out of a bad situation, but I chose to believe she was being truthful and that my actions really had screwed up her life too. I thought she'd tell her friends about what I'd done and that it would at least make all the other girls hate me as well, which would have made things alot simpler for me, but instead she broke off contact with everyone, and all the others kept in touch still.

 

Then one night at one of Ottawa's lesser clubs I ran into two of her friends who had been two of my regulars. One of them came to see me and actually started crying, saying how I was one of the only nice guys they ever met in the clubs and how they all thought I'd just used them to get closer to "the" girl and now that things were over I'd just stopped caring about any of them. I took her to the CR and tried to calm her down, explaining nothing could be further from the truth, I missed hanging out with all of them but just couldn't bare being in their club because of what had happened, which was entirely true. I felt horrible, and having found out that "she" hadnt been back in Ottawa since, ended up falling back into the routine of going to the first club, and hanging out with all these girls. I tried not to cross any lines, and mostly managed it, except one night after supper with one of the girls, who happened to be extremely drunk and apparently horny, ended up latching on to the idea of having me park the car somewhere so she could, in her words, "rape the fuck out of me". I defused that situation as best as I could and she thanked me for not taking advantage of her drunkenness the next day.

 

This went on for another 2 months, during which I picked up even more regulars that I see outside the club regularly, and I kept everything at arm's length, and everything was fine. I was still trying to quit, but addiction is a tough thing to break. I even quit my night job thinking to end this double life I lead by simply needing sleep at night. Its surprising how little sleep the human body needs, and I just kept being out every night.

 

Then this week I got the dreaded message, "She's back." Seeing her hurt more than I thought it would, and I'm back to being completely messed up. I sent her a text asking if she'd prefer I avoid her club and the casino until she leaves town again, and she hasn't answered. Instead, as far as I can tell, she just leaves both the club and the casino when I arrive. I never meant to hurt her, so seeing this hurts even more. And the last thing I want to do is mess with her livelihood.

 

So here I am, a heartbroken asshole who's been cheating on his fiance and pinning after a stripper while planning his wedding. I'm writing this because its a way to sort out my thoughts and some may find it interesting. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm also hoping one of the girls will stumble upon this, recognize me, and tell all the others. Maybe at long last that would drive a final nail into the coffin of my second life and I could move on, albeit broken and humiliated. I can't think of any other way to break this addiction.

[JustJack 4689]

Well u will possibly at least win the longest post of the year award!

 

Not even sure what to say, I enjoyed the read, IMO, not a big issue, except u r engaged!!! Makes me not feel so upset about spending $ 40 on 2 dances last weekend thou. I had been beating myself up about that.

[Phaedrus 209521]

Wow! That's quite the tale...

 

Hope everything works out for you, and I hope writing it all down has help you sort out how you feel about it. It does, sometimes.

[newboy 4919]

Sometimes professional help is warranted.

[simon_templar 161]

This is not the 1st time that I've responded to one of your threads. If I remember correctly the last reply was after you had lent this dancer some money and were questioning if you were going to have it paid back.

 

I suspect that you may have found my response insensitive....I assure you it wasn't then....and it isn't now!!!

 

My friend...you need to seek assistance here!!! This is not an addiction that can be cured by yourself!!!!! You seem like a very smart man....you owe this to yourself!!

 

I fell in love with a dancer, led a double life and spent well over $200 k for the life experience.

 

Please learn from my mistakes!!!!!!!

[Athos 108589]

This is not the 1st time that I've responded to one of your threads. If I remember correctly the last reply was after you had lent this dancer some money and were questioning if you were going to have it paid back.

 

I suspect that you may have found my response insensitive....I assure you it wasn't then....and it isn't now!!!

 

My friend...you need to seek assistance here!!! This is not an addiction that can be cured by yourself!!!!! You seem like a very smart man....you owe this to yourself!!

 

I fell in love with a dancer, led a double life and spent well over $200 k for the life experience.

 

Please learn from my mistakes!!!!!!!

 

 

Got to agree ... man you need help. And to be honest, the first thing you need to do is break up with your fiance. I fully admit to being a married man, and seeking the comfort and intimacy of SPs. But I KNOW where the boundary is. I love my family, and they always come first. You are not just deceiving your future wife about an occasional hour or two. You are deceiving her about who you are at a fundamental level. And moreover, you don't seem to even love her. I'm not at all sure how you can maintain this with her, when you spend every night out and about at strip clubs. Sorry if this is harsh, but I really feel sorry for her if she marries you.

 

I'm not blaming you for this though ... you do have a serious addiction. And you do need professional help to deal with it. Gambling addiction is bad enough ... but the world of strip clubs is all about fantasy and unreality. It's unreal for the girls who work there ... who spend their nights at the club, getting drinks bought for them, having men offer them gifts for their time (and their bodies). But it's equally unreal for the men who go there. You've fallen into that world, and it's become more real than the real world. You've got it flipped upside down, and you'll need help to get it (and your head) turned upside right again.

 

Good luck to you ... the money is gone. Forget about it. Now concentrate on helping yourself. Stay away from the clubs. Start doing what ordinary people do in the evenings. Going to movies and restaurants with the woman who you say you want to marry, staying in and watching a video with her, going for long walks holding hands. It's not as exciting as strippers grinding all over you, but it's REAL. And you need a dose of real!

[Katherine of Halifax 113931]

Of course I am not a doctor but may I strongly suggest you see one ASAP for your own good. Realy thughts like this do not filter in overnight and I wish you all the best!

[Guest ***rd**n]

I guess if you have the money to spend than money is not an issue. There are many functional addicts ou there. Strip clubs are addictive and they are based on fantasy not reality. For myself I am not loaded but I have no financial responsibilities, no family of my own, wife or even girlfriend. I am employed and people spend there money on different things I do not drink, smoke, do drugs, or gamble so I gotta do something. However I still do have to ration my money. I am in my late 30s also and okay looking I guess. I get lots of compliments from strippers, if that means anything. I have gotten some phone numbers from strippers and even there real names. I guess I must not be that bad. I first started going to strip clubs well mainly one club because I was angry and hurt. People always ask me if I am married or have anyone and I do not, so after awhile you pretend it does not bother you but it really does. You wish you had someone of your own, a real girlfriend. So you use the strip club as a substitute for what you wish you had but don't. Love takes guts. I am still alone and I know even though the strippers are very nice to me I don't think they like me for the right reasons. After all I am merely a client one of many clientel, at the club. We are all looking for something different things for different people I am sure. Besides can you fall in love with a stripper can she fall in love with you? Can you have a real realationship with them? No offense to strippers by the way, they sacrafice alot and put up with alot so no disrespect to anyone. Sometimes they will phone me and ask me how I am and to drop by and see them. Then my mom yells at me. I know lots of people here like to boast about how many strippers they know but I have never being a player and am not good at this at all. I still see them because I am not made out of stone I am made out of flesh and blood like anyone else. And yes I do have my favorites. But in the end it is foolish I know it, you know it everyone knows it. Infatuation and lust are not the same thing as love.

Geez maybe I need a shrink too. Good luck to you.

[Guest Ni**t*****t]

I think you need to decide on two options. One, you get professional help, get this over with and move on. You get married and bury this. Two, you do not get married and pursue this addiction until you run out of money and/or realize you need professional help.

 

either way, you should consult. from what I read, you are at a point where your life is taken over by this addiction and, like any other addiction, you will need help. There is no other way out from what I read.

 

There are lovely girls out there and there always will be. One will always be more tempting than the other. You need to realize that a hobby is a hobby. It should not take over your life. I'm sorry but you really should seek help.

 

Honestly, if you do nothing you are lost, totally lost and you are gone... Sorry to be blunt.

 

I hope this helps,

 

Regards

[PhantomKnight 7914]

Hey brother,

 

Glad you could let out what's going on inside your head. Sometimes in life stuff is really messed up.

 

I advise, talking to a pro (there's no shame in it) and seeing what he/ she has to say. You never know, it could save your life, I know mine helped save my life once upon a time.

 

Good luck!

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I hope everything works out for you but will you be able to get married and live with what you are going through? If not, delay the wedding and consult a counsellor for both addictions. BTW, not judging because no one here is perfect and we all do things for a reason. And I am in no position to judge. Here's the thing.. Can you live with this secret if you do get married? And ask yourself why you originally sought out this lifestyle? Was it an escape from being unhappy? What are you REALLY running away from? Dancers and gambling don't lead the path of a happy life unless you already enjoy life and have things in check. Find thee answers and the truth shall set you free.

[Ricco 411]

Great post and kudos for writing it down and sharing it. It is a big first step. Like the other posts, please go see a professional, we may be a good network here but they have skills that (most of us at least) don't have. If I were you, I'd look at the job serious too. I know a friend who isn't in the same boat, but is equally trapped in a bad situation, all due to his employment choice. It may be a good time to move on and try something less lonely.

[theoldguy 507]

Spent the night at the club again, where one of my regulars started insisting she'd like to spend the day with me over the weekend. This can't go on, and I know what I have to do.

 

I'll send the link to this post to the one girl I feel like I've hurt the most. I deserve whatever she decides to do with the information in here. She knows my real full name, where I live and where I work. She can ruin me, like I threatened to do to her. If she'll just let me walk away from all this I'll explain my disappearance to all the other girls by saying I am giving things with my ex another try and have to stay away from the clubs to give it an honest chance...

 

Regardless of what she decides to do I think you're all right and therapy is probably what I need.

 

Edit: There's a certain irony to receiving a text from another regular asking what I'm up to at 4:30am as I post this.

[ngtime 560]

The CR is all about fantasy and lust. Take it for what it is, an occasional visit once or twice a month. Girlfriends and wives provide true relationships. Yes, get some help and fast; you have an addiction that just may get you into real trouble.

[Guest **oo**e]

I think you might be able to pull out of this in a more oblique, and practical way. Change jobs and find a job that will pay you more and keep you more occupied. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands to juggle a girlfriend, dancers, gambling and your job. That's a large part of the conundrum. Finding a job where you will work longer hours will help you with regard to figuring out your priorities and help you financially. I don't know your circumstances so I might be speaking out of turn.

[theoldguy 507]

You're actually right on the job aspect... Doing my 2nd week of day shifts now after switching last week. Have to say I'm fairly tired after leaving the tables at 5am and coming to work, but eventually I should be able to sleep at night. Hopefully.

[Guest **zz**x]

Seems you have two addications: strippers and the tables. Is there any drinking or drugs involved also? that would certainly make it harder to resist temptation. Anyway, I can guarantee that continuing on this path will only lead to financial and personal disaster. You should seek professional help and tried to get grip on your urge control. Also, do you fiance a favour, and dump her if you haven't already. It isn't fair to her and will only add to your guilt etc if you continue relations with her.

[theoldguy 507]

Well, I've told "her" about this thread and she read it. I told all my regulars I wont be back for a while on account of being back with my ex. I quit my night job and have enough sleeping pills to knock myself unconscious at 10 every night for a year.

 

All thats left is to stop compulsively reading these forums 10 times a day.

 

I had decided to come clean to my fiance, but despite everything "she" told me I should just bury it and move on with my life. She's a better person than I could ever hope to be.

 

Guess this is me signing off.

 

If you come back and read this, just know that I'm sorry L.L.P.P.