Fresh start 17467 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I'm throwing this out there cause I don't know what to do. I am currently married 5 years been together for 15years now we were highschool sweethearts, we were each others first. My wife is ill and has been for the last 2 years. We don't know what it is if its curable permanent or if she is dying. All i now that its killing me to watch her suffer and it hasn't gotten better. Now we are no longer intament, sleep in different rooms we don't even cuddle. My dilemma is, do i crush her heart and tell I see sp to satisfy my needs, probably end our marriage, or do I keep it my secret to save her the pain and continue seeing sp? What would u do if you were me? If u were my wife would u want to now? Any advice? 4 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jazzitup 5652 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 Do not tell her. It would be cruel to do that while she is ill. 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CristyCurves 169032 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 It is understandable that you need to relieve your stress physically and emotionally, do that. But keeping it to yourself is probably the best thing for both of you-for now anyways. I would suggest that you Do Not tell her, she needs all her stength to get well and to cope with her illness. Since healing is as much about the mind as it is the body, the less stress the better. As women we have a strong sense of intuition, she may already know or assume you are having your needs met so stop feeling guilty love her the best you can, stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cu***ngl***us 2024 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 If I were in your shoes I would not tell her. If your feeling guilt then stop doing what your doing and focus all your time and energy on the two of you. I wish you both good luck. Posted via Mobile Device 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mikeyboy 27133 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I have to agree with the other posters here. Telling her will only cause her pain and grief at a time when she needs it the least. I don't think anyone here would judge you for the decisions you have made to satisfy your own needs and maintain your own healthy state of mind, (we're a pretty understanding lot here) but for her sake, keep this one under your hat. She needs you with her now. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fresh start 17467 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I feel the same way I just fear her finding out another way and wouldn't that be worse for her? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cleo Catra 178382 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I echo what everyone else has said. There is no need to tell her. She is suffering, and that is making you suffer in a way.... so I think it's completely understandable that you reach out for intimacy in this way. But telling her wouldn't make things better for either of you, it would just cause more hurt. I'm sorry to hear about this :( Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
backrubman 64800 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 My circumstances are very similar to yours except my wife will probably live longer than I will but due to her medical condition she is simply unable to be intimate. To her credit she does encourage me but I never would tell as it would just make her feel more inadequate. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeeRichards 177238 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I am truly sorry to hear about this. :( I believe you are going about this the right way. I personally can't imagine a better reason to go see an SP than the reason you just explained. You are there for your wife in every way you can be in a difficult situation. One of those times IMO when silence in regards to your SP involvement would be in the best interest of everyone involved. Good luck and hopefully your wife recovers and life goes on happily for you two ! 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boomer 33202 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I've been in your shoes, and I think that you will obviously seek satisfaction. I would try to limit your stepping out as as previously stated, your wife will probably have an inkling about what you're up to. Take all the usual precautions to spare here the pain of finding out for sure. Also one thing you should keep in mind is the fact that at some time in the future you may get a real diagnosis and maybe treatment for her. If she does eventually get cured what would you do then, especially if you grow to become dependent on your hobby and have lost that nagging feeling of guilt. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 Telling your wife serves no purpose that I can see. And I'm pretty much echoing everyone else Be there for your wife. But don't tell her that you need to see escorts for your need for physical intimacy She likely feels bad that she can't provide that intimacy for you anymore. But telling her you are seeing escorts would be a hurtful thing to do to her Be a supportive loving husband, but very discretely see escorts for physical intimacy. And under the circumstances, IMHO you don't have anything to feel guilty about. RG Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest a**4* Report post Posted January 12, 2013 I am saying what everyone else has said do not say anything do what you have to do . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mrrnice2 157005 Report post Posted January 12, 2013 My advice would be identical to what everyone else has said. There are times when one ends up in very difficult circumstances through no fault of their own. There are life's realities having to do with basic human needs and intimacy is one of those needs. What is more difficult is what it appears as if you are struggling with. You did not use the word guilt as you described your dilemma, but I am reading that into your question. You obviously care a great deal for your wife and this lack of intimacy is leaving you in a very difficult position in your mind. Guilt is sometimes an irrational feeling that comes even when it is not deserved and when it is not a valid emotion. Geeze I still feel guilt at times for seeing SP's and my wife passed away almost 2 1/2 years ago. Totally irrational and illogical but real none the less. Your wife need not know about your liaisons with SP's and this is a situation that is not simply rationalizing away an action but is important for both her and for you. You require your intimate moments somewhere and she requires your devotion and support. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. You can do both and be very proud of what you are doing. Best of luck to you and don't let this detract from what pleasures you derive from SP's and neither from your devotion to your wife. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Goombata72 1556 Report post Posted January 13, 2013 I'm throwing this out there cause I don't know what to do. I am currently married 5 years been together for 15years now we were highschool sweethearts, we were each others first. My wife is ill and has been for the last 2 years. We don't know what it is if its curable permanent or if she is dying. All i now that its killing me to watch her suffer and it hasn't gotten better. Now we are no longer intament, sleep in different rooms we don't even cuddle. My dilemma is, do i crush her heart and tell I see sp to satisfy my needs, probably end our marriage, or do I keep it my secret to save her the pain and continue seeing sp?What would u do if you were me? If u were my wife would u want to now? Any advice? I can understand where you are coming from my wife and I have separated and I found out she was with another man for almost 5 months before we split. After our son passed away in 2010 we weren't close anymore. Before that while our son was sick we also weren't intimate with each other much. We just didn't have time or felt we could. I love her to this day and even though we are split I am hurt the she had sex with another man while we were still living together. This cost her everything. I lost my son wife and home all because she lied to me about having sex with another man. We should of talked and maybe went to see a counsellor or at least split before she did that. She felt lonely and so did I but I took vows for better or worse and I respected her. Now that we have split I have seen an sp only because I want to feel something again. My wife has lost the respect of her friends and family all for sex. Just sex. If you feel this is something you are willing to do and can afford it then hide it from you wife otherwise seek counselling for the both of you. IMHO You should tell her and let her know what you want. Lying to her and her finding out like I did is so much more devastating. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Leber 1328 Report post Posted January 13, 2013 Looks like you have this feeling of guilt for not telling your wife about getting intimate with another someone. This is your reason for posting this question. Your wife is still ill so maybe it's best to hold off seeing an SP or starting a new relationship. When your wife is fully recovered (hopefully soon), you can see if you two can share a bed again. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phaedrus 209521 Report post Posted January 13, 2013 I'm with the majority here; I don't see what there is to be gained from telling her at this point. Kicking someone when they're down just isn't cool. But you should take extra care not to get found out accidentally... because that would be even worse! 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fresh start 17467 Report post Posted January 14, 2013 I'm throwing this out there cause I don't know what to do. I am currently married 5 years been together for 15years now we were highschool sweethearts, we were each others first. My wife is ill and has been for the last 2 years. We don't know what it is if its curable permanent or if she is dying. All i now that its killing me to watch her suffer and it hasn't gotten better. Now we are no longer intament, sleep in different rooms we don't even cuddle. My dilemma is, do i crush her heart and tell I see sp to satisfy my needs, probably end our marriage, or do I keep it my secret to save her the pain and continue seeing sp?What would u do if you were me? If u were my wife would u want to now? Any advice? Just wanna say thanks for all the advice much appreciated! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dbdb 110 Report post Posted January 14, 2013 Definately do not tell her. As u said u do not want to see her suffer and it sounds like u already know it will hurt her. It sounds like u are in a difficult situation and I empathise. You may want to consider trying to become more intimate with her again if that is at all possible. Everybody wants and needs love whether they say it or not. Part of her suffering might be psychological and showing that you are there for her in a caring and intimate way should help at least a bit. somwtimes setting the mood rather that buying her things is better. Anyway, just a few thoughts. I hope she gets the help that she needs. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest t****ster***ke Report post Posted January 14, 2013 they did not mean it in this context, but a wise friend of mine once told me, "some secrets are just for you". based on your initial post, it seems the only reason for telling her is to clear your own conscience, which does nothing for her, correct? people often say, it's not the act, it's that "he lied about it" which in my experience is patently untrue. don't get me wrong, no one likes dishonesty, but the initial act is why they are a combination of angry, sad and/or devastated, the lying is just a rancid cherry on top of a sh--t sundae. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
