castle 38816 Report post Posted August 22, 2011 Let's hear your favorite Chuck Norris jokes! Either some you made up yourself or some you've heard: These are my personal favorites: Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris; HOWEVER...when Chuck Norris goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Christopher Walken. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WildTiger 1296 Report post Posted August 23, 2011 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
VedaSloan 119179 Report post Posted August 23, 2011 There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not pushing himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
conquistador 18487 Report post Posted August 23, 2011 Chuck Norris can make a women climax by simply pointing at her and saying, "Booya." Chuck Norris's advice?...Grow a beard. Rainbows are what happen when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958 Report post Posted August 23, 2011 When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Macguyver can make a time machine out of paper clips and duct tape, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick him and take it. When it's tax season Chuck norris sends the IRS a photo of himself, crouched and ready to pounce. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it's not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Additional Comments: Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
castle 38816 Report post Posted September 1, 2011 Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted September 1, 2011 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
castle 38816 Report post Posted September 2, 2011 When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris. Posted via Mobile Device Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyaccount 15793 Report post Posted September 2, 2011 Superman's bed has Chuck Norris sheets. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest K***e D****ls Report post Posted September 3, 2011 Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
castle 38816 Report post Posted September 14, 2011 2 Cowboys were sitting at a campfire with Chuck Norris, exchanging stories on who was the most hardcore. First cowboy claims he wrestled a huge gator and killed it with his bare hands by gouging its eyes out. The second told a tale of how he fought an Anaconda and killed it by biting into its head. Chuck Norris just chuckled and continued to tend to the fire with his penis. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
castle 38816 Report post Posted September 15, 2011 Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mister T 45020 Report post Posted September 16, 2011 When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories. Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone. Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars......he was the force. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andee 220524 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 I had such a huge crush on Chuck Norris. I even watched his cheezy show Texas Rangers faithfully so I could just drool over him. Love the jokes, folks! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Additional Comments: For You Angela RG 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPantz 130 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 The first rule of Chuck Norris is;You do not talk about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris did in fact build Rome in a day. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is so fast,he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Contrary to popular belief,there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. If a tree falls in the forest,does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Chuck Norris does not own a stove,oven or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold. If, by some incredible space-time paradox. Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness and possibly feet-sized bruises on the face. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to one-one roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth then boils the water with his own rage. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. When the Boogie Man goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPantz 130 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Chuck Norris got his driver's license at the age of 16... Seconds. Chuck Norris is not only a noun but a verb. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons; it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. They didn't even come close. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one dared question his motives. Chuck Norris is the only man who has beaten the odds. With his fist. Chuck Norris can kick through all six degrees of separation. hitting anyone. anywhere- -in the face- at any time. Chuck Norris can in fact "raise the roof." And he can do it with one hand. Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - except for the definition of mercy. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight and the knife lost. The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN. These are also Chuck Norris initials. This is not a coincidence. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole punch. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter Scale. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life-unless it gets in his way. America is not a democracy, but a Chucktatorship. If at first you don't succeed,you're not Chuck Norris. Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of PI. Chuck Norris can taste lies. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist. Additional Comments: The true definition of PI is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can kick-start a car. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands. Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun. Scientists have discovered that one drop of Chuck Norris' sweat could take the space shuttle to Mars and back again. Chuck Norris can unscrambled an egg. Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know it as the Bermuda Triangle, Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers. Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE. Similar to Russian nesting doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open, you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier. It's no use crying over spilt milk. Unless it's Chuck Norris' milk, because then you're gonna die. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with his magnifying glass. At night. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors,other people get hurt. Chuck Norris can mix oil and vinegar, permanently. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides of the force;the light side,the dark side and Chuck Norris. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies,just check the extinct species list. Chuck Norris does not use spell check,if he happens to misspell a word, dictionaries will simply change the actual spelling of it. Chuck Norris only skydived once because the world only needs one Grand Canyon. There are no steroids in baseball. just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeated a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris can find a needle in a haystack. Every two seconds, someone in the United States needs blood. All of them due to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and proceeded to round house kick every popped collar in sight. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger. Leading hand sanitizer claims they can kill 99.9% of germs; Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the heck he wants. Most of what glitter is not gold, but Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris shattered the four-minute mile, before a mile even existed. Chuck Norris created the phrase "ignorance is a bliss." so the rest of us don't have to feel so bad. I am exhausted felt like I was in typing class. Enjoy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
roamingguy 300292 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 The only man who beat Chuck Norris and this guy wishes he was Chuck Norris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Old Dog 179138 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stevecurious 42059 Report post Posted January 6, 2012 Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos...go ahead look it up! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
