The Deficient Single Person

[Daniel17 3616]

This post is just about my thoughts on a subject, it's just my opinion, I'm not saying it is right, I'm not saying it is wrong, it just my views.

 

First a little bit about myself, I'm in my mid-twenties. I've been in short relationships, long relationships (longest 3 years), but for pretty much this past year, I've been single. Dated a few girls, but nothing really that I would consider a serious "relationship".

 

Something I have noticed though is especially in August aka "Wedding Season" is that a lot of what used to be my core friends are all getting married or are in pretty serious relationships. I've noticed that myself and my other "single" friends have slowly been indirectly pushed out of our social circles. Now, it's not that our "couple friends" are assholes or anything like that, they are great awesome people, it's just that "couples" hang out with "couples". While single people are slowly pushed to the curb. Mind you, this is just my opinion, it may not be the case all the time.

 

So what is a single person to do? They are suppose to get back into a relationship. Society programs us to find someone else whether it be the bar, dating websites, the grocery store, or whatever else. And too, even if you find someone, you will always have that dreaded shadow behind you of past relationships. The public seems to think that just because a past relationship ENDS it equals FAILURE. How is that even fair? How is that even correct?

 

Singleness is treated like a disease, like it needs to be fixed. It's treated like a state that one surely needs to change as quickly as possible, and a change we should all strive for. If you are single, friends view you as miserable, something is wrong you, and that they need to make sure you are going to make it. Western society drives the thought into children at a young age thru the media & even sometimes in real life, that a person should always be striving for romance or sexual desire. Being single does not represent success and happiness.

 

The stigma of singleness needs to be removed. The devaluation of it needs to come to a halt. For example, what if in Ottawa, happiness didn't equal getting married, moving away from downtown, and moving into a house in Kanata or Orleans, then starting a family.

 

Another example would be what if little girls weren't driven by society to organize their life around a heterosexual relationship as the focal point, then put other things like friends, a career, living arrangements etc. around that relationship wherever it may fit.

 

What really is wrong with living with roommates? What really is wrong with living members of the opposite sex without dating? What really is wrong with living alone? This not only allows us to experience different social living structures but also allows us to escape the linear line that Western culture tries to cultivate upon us.

 

Life doesn't need to be centered around sex or a relationship. Happiness can be found in numerous other bits & bytes in your life. Just because single people don't centralize their life around sex or a relationship, does not mean they are deficient.

 

There's nothing deficient about being single, and pursuing the kind of life you want. If we as a society just expand our idea on what lives are acceptable, whether you are a middle aged male, divorced, single young lady with career aspirations, gay, lesbian, poly, or even straight married people living in Kanata/Orleans, basically ALL kinds of people, I just think we would be a lot better served.

[bcguy42 38594]

Your point is well taken. Though it has been more years than I wish to count since I was single, I see what you are talking about happening with my single and partnered offspring.

 

I am also in total agreement with your thought that there should be, if I may paraphrase, a valued place in society for the voluntarily single.

 

CBC's "The Current" just rebroadcast a piece from last fall about Minnie McCurdy and Steve Bickerstaffe. Minnie was married at an early age but was widowed after 10 years. She never remarried and resisted societal pressures against being single. At the time of the original broadcast, last October, she was 104. She and Steve began a simple friendship when Steve was in his early 20s and she was three times his age.

 

This friendship became the defining relationship for the two of them over the years and, from what I could tell, was always just that. A friendship.

 

My point being that these two people were successful in bucking the pressure to "mate up" is the traditional sense. Minnie was asked if she ever missed having a family and she said no, why should she?

 

Postscript: Minnie died six months after the original broadcast. Happy. At 104.

Go for it.

 

If you want to listen to the show "The Perfect Martini", you can find it here: http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/documentaries/

[Victoria Banks 21899]

Aren't you tired of the usual?

[fortunateone 156618]

Many of my family members are single, and another important person in my life growing up was as well, all thru her life. I have 4 cousins never been married, and no kids, and as far as I can tell 2 of them have had some LTRs but no one brought home for Xmas. My uncle has always been single. Might be gay, who knows, might just be asexual, who knows. He is over 60 now.

 

At some point, people around you, friends, family, the coupled, etc will accept you for what you are, and if that's single now and forever, so be it.

 

After all within 10 or 15 years, all those recently married will no doubt also be single, and regret their coupling and at the very least, within a couple of years of marriage, will be envying all their single friends.

 

Besides, 3 years LTR at your age is about as long term a relationship as can be expected.

[Newton 714]

Where are the social non-dating clubs for singles? Maybe churches for singles are a good idea. I'm not qualified though.

[SamanthaEvans 166766]

Well said, Daniel. I completely agree with you.

 

I think that the biological clock is real. It urges people in their 20s to find a mate and get on with procreating. This is not a bad thing, but it's not something that's universally required, either.

 

All I've learned is that, in life, to live well, you need to be who you are, where you are. Know yourself and be gentle with yourself because you will never know yourself as well as you think you do. Be compassionate and charitable towards everyone else. Follow your heart. Love who you love. Love them well. Be honourable. If you have enemies, try to treat them as people you love: it will make a difference. Find something to do that satisfies your deepest, deepest longing. Never imagine that you've got everything figured out because you never will and, in the end, questions are more meaningful than answers, anyway.

 

And if you're looking for a partner, whether for a few days or a few decades, tell everyone. People will want to help you. You'll at least meet some interesting folks!

[datyaddict 2174]

In my experience, the only reason married people exert pressure on single people to get married is because misery loves company. That way they don't have to think of all the different people you can have sex with. ;)

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Well, myself, I was always in relationships, until 4 years ago. Now I can not think of giving all of myself to just one person. I now live a single life, which seems to be so much easier on the brain and heart, lol. I now think it would take an extremely special person to turn me into a wife....lmao.

[VedaSloan 119179]

I'm so glad you brought this up. I find myself doing the opposite--detaching from friends who are now married and having kids. While I am technically in a common-law marriage, we are both polyamorous and see other people as we feel like it. This has been really hard for people to swallow, especially my Mom who is convinced that once I hit 35 or so, I'll change my (lifelong) feelings about marriage (official) and having a family. Sorry Mom, if you want grandkids, you better hope my sister puts out. Haha.

 

I find the idea of and the constant bombardment of heterosexual lifelong romantic monogamy to be complete and utter bullshit. The reason the nuclear family is pushed is because governments want you to keep reproducing so you'll make more workers for the establishment, etc. Which is why the GLBTQ community doesn't fit with the establishment--they're not procreating. It's also why in the hierarchy of so-called "acceptable" relationships, white, gay males who adopt are more accepted than others in the LGBTQ community (accepted by society at large and within some gay communties)(homonationalism--google it people! Or read Jasbir Puar's book "Terrorist Assemblages: Homonationalism in Queer Times"). Lifelong (sexual) monogamy is not natural, I don't care what anyone says or tells me.

 

Bio-politics and biopower (the government regulation of subjects through various techniques for subjugating bodies and controlling populations)is something I'm totally fascinated by and Foucault's work on the subject is something I hope to become more of an expert on in grad school.

[tepic 91]

Maybe churches for singles are a good idea. I'm not qualified though.

 

I've been to a couple. It's awesome.

 

Still tho, while I don't see singleness as deficient. I have no desire to remain single. I want a family too much and all that good stuff. I just can't find it (or don't know how)

Posted via Mobile Device

[roamingguy 300291]

Well I'm like you Daniel, except much older (50) and now committed to the single way of life...a good life btw

Done the dating thing, two relationships that came close, but thank god, looking back, didn't get married/cl with them

I'm HAPPILY SINGLE.

Yes couples somehow seem to think your missing out...btw my observation only, it's married women that seem to think a single guy needs to get hooked up...most other married guys, well they seem envious

Me, with the caveat never say never, can't ever see myself now getting involved in a relationship. I'm very happy and content with my life. And a new and very enjoyable dimension has been added since seeing SP's...a dimension I'd have to end if I got into a relationship

Some ramblings from a happy single 50 year old man

RG

[Old Dog 179138]

Things I have learned in my life:

 

1. To be capable of loving, you MUST love yourself.

 

2. If you think you need someone else to "complete" you, you are selling yourself short.

 

3. Many of the friends you had as a young person will not be the friends that you have later on in life. As circumstances change, so does your group of friends. It's just a fact of life.

 

4. You only have one shot at life. LIVE it. Lamenting what could have been, what would have been or what should have been will only cause unneeded pain.

 

5. Love can and will be fleeting. Those who are able to capture it forever are truly blessed. You can't force it, trap it or tame it. It pounces upon you unexpectedly, and can leave with equal speed. Embrace it while you can.

 

6. Be comfortable being you.

 

7. You may have people that rely upon you, but the greatest reliance you must heed is to yourself.

 

8. Fill your life with joy and laughter. It comes from within.

 

9. KNOW who you are and what you need.

 

 

To be cliche, the grass is NOT always greener in the other guy's backyard. You should print your thoughts today, and look back at them 10 years from now; then you can show them to your divorced buddies. Food for thought.

[roamingguy 300291]

Things I have learned in my life:

 

1. To be capable of loving, you MUST love yourself.

 

2. If you think you need someone else to "complete" you, you are selling yourself short.

 

3. Many of the friends you had as a young person will not be the friends that you have later on in life. As circumstances change, so does your group of friends. It's just a fact of life.

 

4. You only have one shot at life. LIVE it. Lamenting what could have been, what would have been or what should have been will only cause unneeded pain.

 

5. Love can and will be fleeting. Those who are able to capture it forever are truly blessed. You can't force it, trap it or tame it. It pounces upon you unexpectedly, and can leave with equal speed. Embrace it while you can.

 

6. Be comfortable being you.

 

7. You may have people that rely upon you, but the greatest reliance you must heed is to yourself.

 

8. Fill your life with joy and laughter. It comes from within.

 

9. KNOW who you are and what you need.

 

 

To be cliche, the grass is NOT always greener in the other guy's backyard. You should print your thoughts today, and look back at them 10 years from now; then you can show them to your divorced buddies. Food for thought.

 

Very true and very wise Old Dog

If I may, a couple other thoughts from Stuart Smalley seem appropriate too

 

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

"Whining is anger coming through a very small opening."

"You're only as sick as your secrets."

"Compare and despair."

"I am a human being, not a human doing."

"Pee-wee Herman: There but for the grace of God go I."

"I'm a skeleton because its scary and because it reminds me that I am a human being. And that's okay. That's what I am. And beside, I think it makes me look thinner (a Halloween thought)."

"I learned what love is from my parents. Which is that you find that one-special person who was placed on the planet just for you, and then you put them through forty years of living hell."

 

Hope that doesn't qualify as post/thread hijacking :-)

RG

[MightyPen 67414]

Yup, there's quite a lot of subtle pressure out there to conform to a conventional script. It's not surprising that we've evolved that way, really: survival of the species in the early days required that most people come hard-wired to procreate. Our culture still *mostly* expects people to pair up for that. If you don't fit in, you'll be eased out of the group.

 

As someone else mentioned early on, "pairing up" is the first cultural litmus test. Having kids is the next one. If you don't do these things, there are a lot of people who will instinctively keep their distance. A lot of others will quietly take pity on you. I found this aggravating at first, but have made my peace with it.

 

I just don't fit that mould, and learned this about myself early on -- I'd say around 14. I've been lucky and managed to keep almost all of my friends despite their marriages and my single-ness; they're good friends and fairly openminded. I've had much more grief over the no-kids thing. I simply don't have the instinct; all of that affection and caring-for instinct got transferred to dogs instead. I find *them* hugely rewarding.

 

It's weird when you see how pervasive the social pressures are to live a certain scripted kind of life. Like I said up front, it's not surprising that our genes tend to produce people with brains that are hard-wired for reproducing and fitting in; those in previous generations who lack those instincts haven't passed their genes on. Neither will I. For those who have it, the biological clock *is* real. But many of us didn't come with one at all. We need to find our own path.

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

 

 

To be cliche, the grass is NOT always greener in the other guy's backyard. You should print your thoughts today, and look back at them 10 years from now; then you can show them to your divorced buddies. Food for thought.

 

 

 

The Vandals once said:

 

"The grass is never greener on the other side, I'll sit right here and frolic in the dirt and gravel." ;)

 

I want to contribute something worthwhile to this thread soon, as it hits home, but I need to do it when i'm not loaded and checking cerb right before the beloved drunken passout.

 

In other words, more to come!

[Phaedrus 209521]

Of course, even if you're happily couple-d up, this process doesn't stop. Because couples have kids, and unless they have kids of the same sex at about the same time, they'll probably find it harder and harder to keep up, because there seems to come a point for many parents when their circle of friends is almost entirely the parents of their children's friends.

 

The real thing here is that having a relationship and kids means your priorities change; you're no longer doing what *you* want to do all the time, but having to incorporate the desires of firstly one other person, and then other small but very demanding and unreasonable ones. And you end up hanging out with people whose own priorities are similar...

[Capital Hunter 18263]

I actually agree with the OP, that said one possible deficiency (not sure we can call it deficiency but rather undesirable consequence) that my caring family remind me about being single (and remain so forever as this is currently my intention though may change after the fall if we have a new law) is that they say one day I will be a very lonely old guy with no woman to share my old days with, and no kids to watch over me in the times of sickness and need, when old.

[scribbles 6031]

There's nothing the matter with being single. There's nothing the matter with being in a monogamous relationship. Or a polyamorous one. It's all about what you are comfortable with.

 

That said, I agree that there is a cultural tendency to regard singles as married-people-to-be. The taint of failure for those who have left a relationship is 10x worse for those of us who are divorced, and even moreso for the men. Yes, that sounds sexist, but I've noted that generally a man more than a woman is regarded as having done something wrong to result in the failure of a marriage when the "D" word pops out.

 

The reality is humans are social creatures. We fundamentally require companionship. If you disagree, reference the studies (completely unethical) that were done with babies where human interaction was denied.

Whether that companionship comes in the form of a wife/husband, a friend, or a polyamorous companion are individual ways of fulfilling this primal human need.

 

I, for one, have been single far longer than I would care to be. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at rectifying the problem.

[roamingguy 300291]

If marriage was the great end all that the majority of society makes it out to be, why is there a roughly 50% divorce rate...hardly what one would call a success story

And I know a lot more people in unhappy marriages (part of the other 50%)...there has got to be nothing more lonely than being married to someone you don't love, nor want to be around

Some ramblings from a single guy

RG

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Here is a comment from a comedian, he said :

" If i were standing at an intersection waiting to cross the street, and just seen 54% of the people get hit by cars.......would I really want to cross that street?"

Of course this is referring to marriage........I laughed for days over that one!

[frenchbrute 1090]

Well Once again I find myself easily identifying with Mr Daniel 17,

 

I am also in the same situation. late 20's, ottawa area, and single. After reading your comments Danile my friend can I ever identify with your statements. In the last 3 summers I have participated in 7 weddings including my "younger" siblings. Never does it become more evident that you are alone then at weddings when all you see around are couples. Of course, when your there all people ask is what you do and who your with. Myself, I have always been single for a few reasons. In high school, working/sports was more important to me than dating. Then, as others chose to party and date I chose to continue working. People often misread this as avoidance or procrastination.

 

Don't get me wrong, I believe in marriage, love, monogamy but all in due time and with the right woman. Call it old fashion, crazy or what have you but whne I feel it's the right person and right situation for me I will do it because I'm not one of those guys who wants to be 5 and divorced 3 times. At no time is it more difficult being single and not regarded upon as a failure then when your younger sibling gets married and in my culture(french canadian) when your younger sibling gets married before you its tradition to dance on your socks. It can become quite embarassing, in my case both the bride/groom were the youngest sblings so we were two guys to dance with 250 people watching, so basically they know your getting older and "STILL" not married! Of course for the benefit of my younger sibling I took it all in stride and we had great fun, but of course it still does have it's impact.

 

It is veyr difficult to date these days even with several different avenues, and with alot of frinds being in couples as Daniel17 mentioned they do tend to stick to their "go to" couples. It's fun seing weddings and houses and kids but at some point things get harder. It's a greta compliment when friends want to always "set you up" or your aunts always say "I have the perfect girl for you!" but what exactly tells these people that you require input or efforts or that their is a problem with MY WAY of choosing who I see and what I do. So, when Danile asks: "why do people assume I am unhappy?" I can definetely understand his point of view as I have been comptemplating the exact same thoughts. Just my 2 cents

[RubJunky 1954]

I have your answer... it seems your situation is no different than mine was some 30 yrs ago. Yes we all graduated high school together as friends then went on to careers or Uni or started a family. I was in limbo between family biz and my 30th girlfriend when our 10th yr grad party came along and as most of my classmates and friends had settled into great careers, got married started a family they talked the googoo's and gaga's of life while I sat at the bar getting drunk thinking why am I still single where is my career? 10 years later I went to my 20th grad party now I was married started family and a great business so I came prepared this time. I started off by passing around pictures of my kids and self promoted my business.... and for some reason the conversation was on divorce lawyers, who gets the house and kids so to the bar for more drinks and to contemplate on why I still don't fit in... my point here is since high school I lost all my good friends yes life goes on and we all seem to take different paths I see my old friends now in passing but I party with my new ones.

[Surf_Nazis_Must_Die 8958]

There have been some great posts on this thread!

 

I, like others on here, am single and have been for a while now. I'm entering my late 20's and many around me have paired off.

 

However, Unlike some of the other posters (and I don't mean this as disrespectful, or a dig at other's opinions, just a different take on things) I choose to see the positive and funny aspects of my situation.

I'm single mostly because i'm a dude who prefers as little hassle as possible in his life!

 

I do have some friends who paired off that I hardly see anymore, but I also have many coupled friends whom I still see on a regular basis. Most of them have great taste in partners so bam, right off the hop i've made a new awesome friend that I may otherwise not have met.

My best friend in the whole world (we're talking brother type relationship for 20 years now) had a child with his SO a few years back. So now I have the joy of being the zany uncle who gets to take his niece for ice cream and play video games with (man I can't wait to introduce the kid to Lego's!!). I love the little squirt to death even if she is the reason her dad and I don't hit dive bars and act like idiots anymore ;)

Oh yeah, and back to the hassle, I don't think a month goes by without one of my coupled up friends regarding me enviously due to the freedom I enjoy. It's nice knowing that as long as rent is paid and I show up to work on time, I don't have to answer to a god damn soul! So yeah, I enjoy not having to worry about pregnancy and pointless arguments I will never win. If I'm in the mood for that experience i'll just visit a friend who has settled down ;)

 

As far as sharing intimacy, hell, last I checked, that's why the wonderful ladies are here on CERB!

[Daniel17 3616]

A little off topic from this post, but the plus side of being single is originally I didn't have plans for the long weekend. But then Thursday night, a bunch of us just left to the cottage for the long weekend to do a little golf, fishing, four-wheeling, and drinking. Sometimes the best things aren't planned and just kinda happen.

[Lexy Grace 103696]

I love the fact that I have no one to answer to anymore. I can come and go as I please. Hang out with the girlfriends without scheduling having to worry about someones schedule and my own.

Don't get me wrong being in a relationship can be nice, if it's the right one and person for you and they can except you for who you are and you can do the same.