Why can't people

[CristyCurves 169032]

Why can't people just say it like it is.I don't like sugar coating,beating around the bush,just say what you have on your mind.Don't tiptoe around the tulips!

At someones house for dinner and their cooking is awful,don"t lie and tell them their food is good!

when you go on a first date and you know the person is not for you don't tell them you'll call,when you know you won't

When your best friend is wearing a god awful outfit don't compliment them!

No one has to be mean or rude but really, don't we all want to hear the truth,plain and simple!

[Athos 108589]

I actually don't think most people want the truth. It hurts!!

 

People want the highly massaged version of the truth.

[mrgreen760 37785]

You want the truth??....

 

 

Peace

MG

[Gabriella Laurence 301887]

I actually don't think most people want the truth. It hurts!!

 

People want the highly massaged version of the truth.

Not only that but some things are better left unsaid...

 

To take one of Cristy's examples, I would never dare to tell my host that supper was aweful (no matter how carefully I chose my words) and would most likely just thank them for an interesting dining experience.

[Guest **cely***r***ne]

In some experiences of mine with girlfriends..."does this look ok on me?"...

 

She knows its not her best outfit..but she loves it and really wants to wear it..so I say yes, it looks ok, but...I like that one better. I do not want to hurt her feelings.

 

Do you really think a woman who asks if this makes her look fat really wants to hear yes...yes it does? No. You will most likely be yelled at...or worse... receive the silent treatment.

 

Why we tell these white lies is another story. If we are intentionally lying to protect ourselves...or hurt another person, that is downright selfish and sinful.

 

 

I actually don't think most people want the truth. It hurts!!

 

People want the highly massaged version of the truth.

[Guest W***ledi*Time]

Life would be awful without a little polite sugar-coating. Not to mention axle-grease!

[MightyPen 67414]

Why can't people just say it like it is.

'cause if we all did that, very soon none of us would have anyone left in our company to be direct with. ;)

[LeeRichards 177238]

Well ladies if you have the option of telling me to my face I am average looking, not bad looking or handsome.......... go with the handsome please because I luv luv my sugar coating ;) sweet tooth I guess ....heh heh

[tokan 16826]

I've always thought there is a time and a place for the truth. Now I will definitely agree with cristy that when your not interested in someone it is better to be honest than leave them on the hook, just because the longer you lead them on the more it will hurt when the truth finally comes out. But there are other situations where in all honesty it might be better to protect someone from the truth.

[roamingguy 300292]

Sometimes truth is ok, sometimes it's better to be diplomatic

If I went out on a date and it wasn't going anywhere, better to be up front and say so, instead of saying "I'll call you"

As for the dinner scenario with a friend, you can just say thanks for dinner, no need to say dinner stunk.

As for clothings, well being a guy, and my friends are the same "fashion" bent (jeans, tshirt, sweatshirt...you know, Mark's Work Wearhouse) we don't criticize, or compliment each other's "outfits"

I can find a lot about a lot of people that I could be brutely honest about, but with age comes wisdom, and one old adege serves well, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...and everyone has some aspect of a glass house they live in. And why do I want to throw stones, for what purpose

RG

[Emma Alexandra 123366]

Just like the motto of this site says:If you don't have anything nice to say...say nothing at all. That's what i was taught growing up as well..so sometimes the truth is best left unsaid especially if it's going to hurt someone.

[O'Cahla 4352]

Yes, I'm all for the diplomacy route. Reminds me of the landmine question when one's significant other asks..............does this make me look fat?

 

Additional Comments:

Oh, and great answer Emma

[CristyCurves 169032]

Just like the motto of this site says:If you don't have anything nice to say...say nothing at all. That's what i was taught growing up as well..so sometimes the truth is best left unsaid especially if it's going to hurt someone.

 

Why is the truth assumed to be"not nice".I think lying to someone is not being nice and yes I think it would be better to say nothing at all ,rather than lie!!!!

Here are other examples of people that thought like you and used the "being nice" and the"sugar coating"when my vet got the results of my dogs tests(kidney disease) he told me "everything was fine,things had changed a little bit,nothing to worry about,she died 6months later!!!Good thing that was "sugar coated"!!!!!When My father was diagnosed with" terminal" cancer,I was told he was going to be ok,4 days before he died I was told I should come home,good thing that was sugar coated!!I wouldn't have wanted more time with him( a note of sarcasm!!)So I guess you are all saying it's all right to lie some times ?See I made a couple of examples in my first post that were less serious,I DO NOT think it is fair to keep a person thinking something is fine when it isn't,as I said,you don't have to be rude when you are being honest just be honest,truthful.If someone is so thin skinned that they have to be lied to all the time perhaps they need some help with their self esteem .

On another note,where was all the diplomacy when it came to me, making some mistakes here??No one sugar coated anything for me,an example-my post on reco's,no one thought twice about blasting me for that,or was that one of your times you all choose to be honest!!!!! LOL.

[Andee 220524]

No one has to be mean or rude but really, don't we all want to hear the truth,plain and simple!

 

The truth according to who? Sometimes the truth is subjective. Example you don't like their cooking, but others do.

 

It would be difficult not to be mean or rude if we all went around telling the "truth" for every little thing as we see it.

 

I'm not suggesting you have to sugar coat everything, but some things are better left unsaid.

 

"Discretion is the better part of valour".

 

As for the last two examples you gave, medicine is not an exact science, and I believe health professionals aim to tell the person and loved ones as accurate a picture that they can foresee for their patients. I am sure at the time both the vet and doctor did think they'd be okay.

 

I have had a cousin who developed brain cancer and her doctor told her she had about a year to live. She actually hung on longer than that, but there was no sugar coating in this case.

[spud271 47779]

I personally have never been accused of mincing words. I prefer to say it like it is, rather than sugarcoating things. Though I have found that silence can sometimes be a more powerful statement than words.

[Athos 108589]

Fundamentally we are social creatures. It is through our relationships with our friends and families that we form our identities and we find validation. It's how we define ourselves. Sometimes when we ask a question we're really not seeking the truth, but rather validation. It's always a risk, and sometimes it's a test of friendship: do we get a lie, the truth, or some version of the two.

 

Sometimes absolute truth isn't nice or helpful. That's why it's called brutal honesty. And in my view, if we engage in brutal honesty all the time, then we probably are failing as a friend, spouse, etc. that's why people who are brutally honest often are lonely people. Of course, in their view it's everyone else's fault because they can't deal with the truth.

 

No one, in my view, can claim the right to be the absolute judge of truth. Look at the ladies on this board. All sorts of different body types. Not all of which are attractive to me. But I'm not going to pronounce judgement over too large or too thin, etc. Cause one thing is clear ... I might not think that outfit looks good, or that body type is attractive, but it might be just what someone else considers gorgeous.

 

Sometime being judgmental gets wrapped up in claims of honesty. It really is about context and the strength of the relationships of the people involved.

 

Porthos

[mrrnice2 157005]

The fact is that sometimes the truth hurts. Plain and simple. To be in a position of having to be the deliverer of that truth puts one in a position of having to choose the best way to do it.

We can choose to be blunt, concise, short, decide not to temper anything and simply disregard the feelings of the person to whom we are speaking. Depending on that person this can be construed as someone being mean, rude and hurtful, even though they do desire to know the 'truth'.

Or, we can choose our words carefully, convey empathy and concern and deliver exactly the same message in a way that may still upset the recipient, but will leave the recipient with an ally or someone that they feel they can commiserate with.

Your knowledge of self and your connection to and knowledge of the other person will determine what manner is best to approach a topic that can cause worry or pain to another person. We all respect those people that we consider to be honest and straightforward, but we respect even more those who can be that way but who are also considerate of the feelings of others.

The choice is for each of us to make.

[CristyCurves 169032]

Fundamentally we are social creatures. It is through our relationships with our friends and families that we form our identities and we find validation. It's how we define ourselves. Sometimes when we ask a question we're really not seeking the truth, but rather validation. It's always a risk, and sometimes it's a test of friendship: do we get a lie, the truth, or some version of the two.

 

Sometimes absolute truth isn't nice or helpful. That's why it's called brutal honesty. And in my view, if we engage in brutal honesty all the time, then we probably are failing as a friend, spouse, etc. that's why people who are brutally honest often are lonely people. Of course, in their view it's everyone else's fault because they can't deal with the truth.

 

No one, in my view, can claim the right to be the absolute judge of truth. Look at the ladies on this board. All sorts of different body types. Not all of which are attractive to me. But I'm not going to pronounce judgement over too large or too thin, etc. Cause one thing is clear ... I might not think that outfit looks good, or that body type is attractive, but it might be just what someone else considers gorgeous.

 

Sometime being judgmental gets wrapped up in claims of honesty. It really is about context and the strength of the relationships of the people involved.

 

Porthos

We are talkng about individual relationsonships,so isn't it about your truth,my truth,it's not about judgement,if someone asks your opinion are they not asking for your truth?if they ask me ,are they not asking for mine?People in my circle know if they ask what I think of something they are going to get a very frank answer and if I think my answer would or could be hurtful I simply don't reply,as spud said sometimes silence can make a stonger statement and I would rather say nothing than lie.

also, about my last to examples, my vet knew my dog had terminal kidney disease,you would have to ask him why he decided to keep it from me,or why he "sugar coated" his diagnosis to me,as my father,it was my family that"sugar coated" my fathers illness,his oncologist did know how much time he had left.I used those two strong examples to show that "sugar coating" can be hurtful and harmful just as or sometimes or more so than being brutally honest.Of course all situations have their exceptions as well,nothing is always black and white,but that could be another discussion couldn't it.No one has spoken about my last statement,you(some cerb members) and their"honesty" towards comments on some of my posts,again why was that not sugar coated ?I know a fair number of"honest",shoot from the hip people and believe me they are far from lonely,nor am I !!

[Guest **zz**x]

I think it is important to make distinctions when considering laying the "truth" on someone. If it is about their awful food or the dress that adds 20 lbs don't go there. It will make them feel bad. Tthey went to the trouble to cook for you and they like the dress and now you are saying their food sucks and btw the dress you really like sucks too. You will come across as an ass lacking in basic manners. But the key is that stuff is not really that important in the grand scheme of life. Who really cares about a crappy meal once in a while that was offered to you out of friendship? Who really cares about the dress? By telling the truth about them you invite conflict and bad feelings and you can bet it will be unproductive. Now, if your friend is developing a bad drug or alcohol problem and you care about them then start laying the truth on them. If their spouse is abusive start laying the truth on them. If they are going to invest in an energy company that is promising to power our society using pyramid power well start telling them the truth because there are real issues at stake... Forget all the small stuff or maybe try enjoying people's quirks (e.g. the girlfriend that loves clothes but always dresses terribly, the guy that likes cooking but has yet to make you a nice meal). Let it go and smile.....

[NotchJohnson 214090]

I just wanted to show a couple of honesty answer that are better then the "sugar coated" answer.

I have a good oral hygiene but one time I had a crack in a tooth I did not know about and I was told that I had bad breath. Sure it hurt to hear that but I took care of the problem right away and was thankful for the honesty.

 

On the first Christmas with my SO before we got married she got me some chocolate(Ferrero Rocher) which I did not care much for but told her they were my favorite and she had been getting me them every year for about 5 years until I told her once that I did not like them that much. She was crushed but understood why I did it and now I get my favorite sweets instead of what I did not enjoy has much.

 

My SO is an excellent cook and from time to time she will change a recipe sometime its for the better and sometime its not, I'm honest with her and she will not repeat the ones that I/we don't like.

 

On a last note I agree about being honest but there is a time and place and a way to do it. Keep in mind that we all have different taste and what one person likes is not the same as the other.

[futileresistenz 28253]

Honesty is always the best policy! Or is it?

 

It depends on ...

 

1) how close of a relationship you have with the person.

 

2) the seriousness (or triviality) of the matter in question - white lies are easier to pull off - and less guilt-inducing than hiding something BIG!

 

3) whether you think they can handle the honest-to-goodness truth.

 

4) a need-to-know-basis (useful for pesky Nosey Parkers).

 

5) perceived wounded pride for admitting something about yourself that

you'd rather keep stashed away in the depths of your being.

 

This is hardly a complete list, just some basic thoughts.

 

It is a balance between wanting to be sincere and true, not only to yourself, but your closest friends, and the wider world. When you choose not to be forthright, you may also hurt people you care about, by pretending to be a fake version of yourself. It's not possible to always be honest, but the people that are, most of the time, have less to remember and sleep better. :)

 

Just some of my random ramblings.

[Athos 108589]

We are talkng about individual relationsonships,so isn't it about your truth,my truth,it's not about judgement,if someone asks your opinion are they not asking for your truth?if they ask me ,are they not asking for mine?People in my circle know if they ask what I think of something they are going to get a very frank answer and if I think my answer would or could be hurtful I simply don't reply,as spud said sometimes silence can make a stonger statement and I would rather say nothing than lie.

also, about my last to examples, my vet knew my dog had terminal kidney disease,you would have to ask him why he decided to keep it from me,or why he "sugar coated" his diagnosis to me,as my father,it was my family that"sugar coated" my fathers illness,his oncologist did know how much time he had left.I used those two strong examples to show that "sugar coating" can be hurtful and harmful just as or sometimes or more so than being brutally honest.Of course all situations have their exceptions as well,nothing is always black and white,but that could be another discussion couldn't it.No one has spoken about my last statement,you(some cerb members) and their"honesty" towards comments on some of my posts,again why was that not sugar coated ?I know a fair number of"honest",shoot from the hip people and believe me they are far from lonely,nor am I !!

 

Those are all excellent examples. I'm not sure I have answers for all of these questions. But in general, I'd agree with some of the other comments in this thread. It's all about context, the strength of a relationship, the expectations between the two people, and how serious the issue is. I don't think individual relationships between two people are also subject to lots of ambiguity and uncertainty in communication. Questions aren't always posed for a truthful answer, and silence isn't always an option. Anyone shopping with their partner and asked whether an article of clothing looks good/makes them look big/etc., etc. knows this to be true.

 

In general, I tend to believe that the more serious the issue is, the greater the need for truth, although frequently the more difficult it is to be forthright. (the exception for this is, of course, all hobbying related activities which justifies no end of concealment). This is why truth often tests relationships in ways that nothing else can.

 

So, in the examples you mention, I don't think concealing how serious a family member's illness might be, or sugar coating a diagnosis is correct at all. Having said that, it could depend. Would you be totally honest with a child about their parent or grandparent's terminal illness? Or would some "sugar coating" be warranted. Again, context becomes important.

 

Health care professionals are under a legal obligation to be truthful in communicating information. It actually really angers me when I hear about health care professionals not being completely forthcoming (although again I do understand the reasons ... but it seems to me that the law and taken away that "choice" from them).

 

In general, each person has to judge the situation they find themselves in. And to be fair, we sometimes are very self-centered when we aren't being completely truthful.

 

I remember a girlfriend I had years ago, who early on in our relationship invited me over to her apartment for dinner. Great, I thought. This is moving along nicely. She then served me the most hideous meal that one can imagine. Emily Rushton has heard this story, so she can verify that it was pretty horrendous. I wasn't sure what this dinner meant. Was I being dumped, and this was the final wrath being handed out, or did she really like this and thought I would too. Well, I ate every mouthful and said it was delicious, in the hope that sex was still a possibility for the evening. As it turns out, it was good thing I ate it. Because sex was on offer!!!! Now, had I been honest, I think I would have been dumped and probably waiting for wrath to be dished out at a later date.

 

Porthos

[Guest]

The only person you can control is yourself. You can not make people say or do things no matter how hard you try. It is basically like smacking your head against the wall and it will not get you anywhere. The more you try to control people the more you push them away.

 

The only thing you can do is lead by example. If you believe in truth then you must be truthful and you must spread the word of truth.

 

Bad things are going to happen in life and there is nothing you can do about it. The best thing to do is let go. Not to forget or justify the situation. If you don't let go those people who have hurt you will have control over you and in return you will be a bitter and angry person.

 

So if have to see a second Doctor/anyone to get a second opinion, so be it. Remembering that professionals are human to and are bound to make mistakes from time to time.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you have a chance to heal from your hurt.

 

XoXo

Peachy/Val.

[Phaedrus 209521]

Was your opinion asked for, or are you chipping in uninvited?

Can you say nothing, or have you been put on the spot?

Can you be tactful rather than brutally honest?

What sort of relationship do you have with the person you're talking to?

What sort of relationship would you like have with the person you're talking to?

How much do you care about hurting them in the immediate future? And in the long run?

How much do you care about their well-being, both now and in the long term?

How good or bad will you feel about lying? Or getting the truth out there?

Are we talking about an objective truth, or just your opinion?

How much does it matter? To you? To them? To others?

What are the likely consequences of the unvarnished truth, or tactful version of it, or a white lie, or an absolute whopper?

 

And when you've answered all those questions... what makes you think I'll have a clue what you should do anyway? Or that the right answer for me is also the right answer for you?

 

We all have to make these decisions, sometimes in a split second and without warning. Nobody said it was easy.

[fortunateone 156618]

I liked that one, were you asked for your opinion.

 

If you are invited for dinner and dinner is made for you at someone's home, you may not enjoy what they enjoy eating. So what. Do they ask you if you liked it, and if not, why would you say that you didnt? Why don't you remember instead to simply thank them for inviting you to their home and providing it for you?

 

Because that is the important thing here.

 

And like someone mentioned above, no one is deliberately making a meal that they know for sure is really bad, and that no one wants to eat. They have invested time and effort into pleasing a guest. Anyone who comes in, sits down at the table, then proceeds to show how ungrateful they are for this should never be invited back.

 

Showing manners isn't lying, it is what adults do in polite society. Canadians possibly more so than others, but still, very few people go out of their way to ensure someone else feels bad for something they have done, or something that they cannot control. Constructive suggestions are helpful, but they need not be delivered with a blunt force instrument.

 

 

cc, I like that you brought the topic back to yourself. I was curious because I think among the first posts you had were responding to some fairly negative comments about yourself. As far as the original posters were concerned tho, those comments were 'brutally honest". But they were honest, in their own minds, not yours.

 

So if you put that out there, wanting to be brutally honest is going to be only according to your own version of events. And your version, like the guys who post 'brutally honest" comments, may not even be the real truth.