Perhaps the oddest question ever

[Touch 57501]

I hope you two do continue on as you have described. Best wishes to all concerned!

[Athos 108589]

She's better off with you being the supportive, if distant father, than going to a sperm bank and being on her own. I don't necessarily mean to sound cold or calculating, but the financial aspects of raising a child are not inconsiderable. So your offer sounds very fair and generous. She wants to do this, and if you're willing and able to provide her with both the child and financial security, then it's a win win situation.

 

My only hesitation would be to ask if you are prepared to comply with her demands ... i.e. that for the most part you be uninvolved in the child's life. That would kill me.

 

Porthos

[Phaedrus 209521]

Well, that makes a change from re-hashing things we've discussed before!

 

To be honest, I have no idea what I'd do. Useful, huh? I absolutely understand the urge to procreate and to leave something of yourself behind when you shuffle off this mortal coil, and I also understand the desire to get all the loose ends tied up before anything irrevocable happens. So, if you're looking for some kind of moral judgement from the community here, my gut feeling (without knowing the details, or you, or her) would be to say that there are far worse things that can happen. If you're concern is with "using your wealth and affluence to play God and create life"... well, I'd never noticed that wealth was required to procreate, and I'm sure there are far worse things you could do with it.

 

IANAL, so the first thing I'd say is: definitely, see a lawyer. Maybe get more than one opinion. It may be that if this goes anywhere, you'll be forced to get a lawyer each; my understanding is that lawyers have professional rules about conflict of interest, and may be forbidden from assisting both parties in any situation that may turn adversarial.

 

A brief digression: some friends of mine separated recently, on good terms, and having agreed how to divide up everything between themselves, they went to a lawyer to get formal paperwork done. Apparently he couldn't take them both on (conflict of interest), so they had to get one each; and having done that, each of their lawyers was compelled by their professional code of practice to explain how best they could screw their ex over and get the most possible out of a settlement (probably to avoid future allegations of having not properly advised the client). Having had that advice, my friends then ignored it and the deal they'd agreed without lawyers was drawn up and signed off... but the whole thing left a sour taste. You and your young lady may end up with the same kind of thing here.

 

I have no clue to what extent it's possible for a parent to formally relinquish all future rights and responsibilities for a child. I believe it's possible in some jurisdictions, with the consent of all parties, but the law wherever you are may simply not allow it. And that's probably what you're looking at doing; divesting yourself of all paternal rights and responsibilities, and then putting in a subsequent contract to replace what the law would have imposed by default. She'll want to be protected against your interfering; and you sound like you wish to avoid future entanglements beyond the financial. And I'm not sure what sanctions may be put in place against anyone who breaks the subsequent contract.

 

OOI, does your young lady have any kids already? Just wondering; having a kid is something that's probably not going to be like anyone expected, and minds may... change. What happens if she decides she wants you to --be-- a full-time Dad? What if you decide, in the face of your own flesh and blood, that you'd like to be more involved? There are serious risks here on both sides.

 

Final question: what does your current wife think about this? Obviously you don't need to tell us, but I'm assuming that she's OK with it or the idea would never have got this far...

[backrubman 64800]

My only hesitation would be to ask if you are prepared to comply with her demands ... i.e. that for the most part you be uninvolved in the child's life. That would kill me. Porthos

And that is why I asked this question for just those kind of insightful opinions that will make me think, as I have no experience as a parent, thanks. She has offered at least two in person visits a year, photos, regular updates and even when the child is walking and talking he or she doesn't have to know the guy visiting the mother for an hour or so is their father. I seriously don't have the time to raise a child but I can see myself (with her permission) anonymously attending school plays and other such activities.

 

Well, that makes a change from re-hashing things we've discussed before!

 

Yes it sure does! And at least to me this is dead serious, life changing stuff we are discussing here. I was kind of hoping for a response from you Phaedrus as I have always admired your wisdom.

 

IANAL, so the first thing I'd say is: definitely, see a lawyer. Maybe get more than one opinion. It may be that if this goes anywhere, you'll be forced to get a lawyer each; my understanding is that lawyers have professional rules about conflict of interest, and may be forbidden from assisting both parties in any situation that may turn adversarial.

 

A brief digression: some friends of mine separated recently, on good terms, and having agreed how to divide up everything between themselves, they went to a lawyer to get formal paperwork done. Apparently he couldn't take them both on (conflict of interest), so they had to get one each; and having done that, each of their lawyers was compelled by their professional code of practice to explain how best they could screw their ex over and get the most possible out of a settlement (probably to avoid future allegations of having not properly advised the client). Having had that advice, my friends then ignored it and the deal they'd agreed without lawyers was drawn up and signed off... but the whole thing left a sour taste. You and your young lady may end up with the same kind of thing here.

 

I have no clue to what extent it's possible for a parent to formally relinquish all future rights and responsibilities for a child. I believe it's possible in some jurisdictions, with the consent of all parties, but the law wherever you are may simply not allow it. And that's probably what you're looking at doing; divesting yourself of all paternal rights and responsibilities, and then putting in a subsequent contract to replace what the law would have imposed by default. She'll want to be protected against your interfering; and you sound like you wish to avoid future entanglements beyond the financial. And I'm not sure what sanctions may be put in place against anyone who breaks the subsequent contract.

 

Very true. Well her initial plan was anonymous, she wouldn't even know the father's name or how to reach him, but I couldn't do that. I'd have to ensure my child had every chance to flourish and benefit from what I have to offer. You are very right, the lawyer(s) will have to help us sort this out.

 

OOI, does your young lady have any kids already? Just wondering; having a kid is something that's probably not going to be like anyone expected, and minds may... change. What happens if she decides she wants you to --be-- a full-time Dad? What if you decide, in the face of your own flesh and blood, that you'd like to be more involved? There are serious risks here on both sides.

 

No this would be her first and you are very right. Very risky until we take advice. In fact the initial financial support would be held in trust or escrow pending a positive paternity test. She really seems to respect that I am taking no chances and every possible precaution after some of the risks (like me seeking custody) were explained to her.

 

Final question: what does your current wife think about this? Obviously you don't need to tell us, but I'm assuming that she's OK with it or the idea would never have got this far...

 

Yeah, I don't see her knowing about this while I am alive. If she survives me she would of course know all about it with the reading of the will. That may seem like I'm being a bastard but then it would be for much the same reasons she doesn't know about my CERB activities. Chivalry dictates I do nothing to make her feel more inadequate than she already does, so while I have permission for that, I never kiss and tell. Just the same, she must know (women know more than we sometimes give them credit for) but it has developed into a don't ask, don't tell policy over the years.

[Athos 108589]

And that is why I asked this question for just those kind of insightful opinions that will make me think, as I have no experience as a parent, thanks. She has offered at least two in person visits a year, photos, regular updates and even when the child is walking and talking he or she doesn't have to know the guy visiting the mother for an hour or so is their father. I seriously don't have the time to raise a child but I can see myself (with her permission) anonymously attending school plays and other such activities.

 

For me personally, that wouldn't be enough. But that's me. It's really a hard one.

 

Phaedrus makes some excellent points. Regardless of what you agree with respect to the child, at the end of the day courts always give primary consideration to "what's in the best interests of the child" rather than what the parties agreed to. Also, you really can't surrender or bargain away parental obligations. So if, for example, down the road she wanted child support and you had agreed there would be none, you still might be obligated to pay. (I realize that's not your concern and that you want to support them) But similarly, if you agreed to have nothing to do with the children but you changed your mind later on, you'd still likely have rights to see them ... and the 2 visits a year might not be binding at all. So getting some legal advice is definitely a good idea.

 

The thing about agreements in difficult personal situations, is that they work only so long as everyone is prepared to live with them. Once that goes, then all bets are off.

 

I really wish you luck with this choice though. It could be a real life changer.

 

Porthos

[Hector17 9215]

This may not be very politically correct, but as a father, and grandfather, my feeling is that, based on your opening thread, you have some very high expectations about how rewarding or how "magical" fatherhood, and influencing the life of a young person through bloodline will be.

I think you are (highly) overrating the future rewarding feeling you think you are going to get from being a "father", and in this case, little more than a donor.

There are lots of other options that allow you to actually have a relationship with a young person, albeit not a descendant of yours, that you may want to look at (maybe "Big Brothers").

I am gathering adoption was not an option for you and your wife.

Although I am not in your situation so cant relate to your feeling a vacuum in your life if you dont have offspring, but I can tell you that I wouldn't, if life had been different, have the same yearning as you.

Lots of people have lots of $, so going on about it is not that big of a deal either, as you can use it to establish trusts for many worthwhile legacies you may feel proud of instead.

People hate it that I think that childbirth is not a "miracle" . The proof being that it is replicated, so many times, in so many places, and by so many people, every day, under so many circumstances, that it is a actually a pretty common event.

Obviously the new mothers and fathers feel differently, as did I at the time, but taking a step back, I see it differently now.

Good luck in whatever you decide

[backrubman 64800]

This may not be very politically correct, but as a father, and grandfather, my feeling is that, based on your opening thread, you have some very high expectations about how rewarding or how "magical" fatherhood, and influencing the life of a young person through bloodline will be...

 

Maybe so. I know life as been very good to me and afforded me the opportunity to do almost anything I wanted but I have but only one real regret and this is it.

 

These days I recognize I am human and subject to making mistakes and this could be a really big one (a whopper).

 

But yes, you are right, I have always had a yearning to do this and now seem to have the ability but I well recognize it is not a decision to be taken lightly which is why I value all opinions anyone has to offer.

[roamingguy 300291]

Well me, and I'm speaking only for me, I couldn't do that. Now maybe the birds and bees talk dad gave me as a young 'un is a factor. He said if you sleep with a woman and get her pregnant, you have to marry her. Basically for me, even if the woman wanted such an arrangement, I couldn't be a absentee, or semi absentee father. I would want to be part of my child's life (beyond periodic visits) and definitely more than just a provider of support payments.

That said, Phaedrus's point about checking with your wife is important. You've said she doesn't mind you seeing SP's but you also don't let her know. But how is she going to react to you being the father of a child not hers.

There are considerations beyond just the woman's and yours. This arrangement is predetermining that a child is going to be born into a single parent home, without, for all intent purposes, a father. Nothing wrong with single parent homes, so don't get me wrong. But if a child can have two parents, and maybe this is coming from the era I grew up in, wouldn't that be better. It sounds, from what you have told us that this woman has decided that the child will be fatherless

And, another consideration. What if, after the child is born, the mother, (btw playing worse case scenario here) dies (accidents happen everyday) Are you fully prepared to then step up to the plate and raise the child. And one I'm somewhat familiar with, without going into details. But what if the child is born with a disability (disabilities) A very loving father and mother, with good income, came close to bankruptcy with the cost of raising this child. OHIP doesn't cover everything, nuff said there.

I also strongly urge you, like others did, to consult a lawyer, and most definitely your wife.

Finally, not passing any judgements, more observations, questions and playing devil's advocate if you will

Whatever you decide BRM, good luck

RG

[The General 11309]

Actually, if it was that important to me to have a child to carry-on my legacy, I would consider doing it much differently.

 

First, I would tell my wife what I would like and is important (knowing she can't provide this), and then go out and see if I could find a women that would bear my child and surrender all rights to me.

 

However, this isn't me, it is you, so, I would recommend it to you. I think this would be a much better option, and your wife might think it a grand idea and be quite supportive, you never know. And sounds like you have the financial means this could be done.

[backrubman 64800]

Well me, and I'm speaking only for me, I couldn't do that. Now maybe the birds and bees talk dad gave me as a young 'un is a factor. He said if you sleep with a woman and get her pregnant, you have to marry her. Basically for me, even if the woman wanted such an arrangement, I couldn't be a absentee, or semi absentee father. I would want to be part of my child's life (beyond periodic visits) and definitely more than just a provider of support payments.

 

Thanks RG. Really I have the same morals and values, feeling much the same way. However, the mother is going to do this, with or without my involvement and rightly or wrongly. If that wasn't the case I would never consider it. Now when we consider it will happen, I guess I feel I would contribute (financially) where others she would choose are not willing or able. So the outcome in this case is more favorable due to my involvement. I realize that is a rationalization only meant to justify what I am considering which may well be abhorrent.

 

But how is she going to react to you being the father of a child not hers.

 

Quite badly I would expect. Even if she understood (and she is very understanding) it would make her feel inadequate as she is clearly unable to do this for me. Yes, she may well find out someday if she survives me but then I won't be around. Perhaps there is even a way around that one, there goes that omnipotence again. I hope you will trust that I am really a good person of high moral standards and character, but at the same time I (like anybody else) am capable of extreme badness (usually in a good or at least just misdirected way).

 

And, another consideration. What if, after the child is born, the mother, (btw playing worse case scenario here) dies (accidents happen everyday) Are you fully prepared to then step up to the plate and raise the child.

 

Yes, we covered that one off. She is determined that the child would be raised by her family in her community. It only remains to be seen if this is legally possible to ensure.

 

But what if the child is born with a disability (disabilities) A very loving father and mother, with good income, came close to bankruptcy with the cost of raising this child. OHIP doesn't cover everything, nuff said there.

 

Truly an excellent point and one I hadn't properly considered. It is a "risk", no doubt about it. My job requires I take risks all the time, as cold and calculating as it may be I'll study the numbers and the chances of this and decide if it is an acceptable risk like any other emotionless financial transaction and while I may apply those same techniques of risk management I use every day here, I assure you this is no standard emotionless financial transaction to me.

 

I also strongly urge you, like others did, to consult a lawyer, and most definitely your wife.

Finally, not passing any judgements, more observations, questions and playing devil's advocate if you will

Whatever you decide BRM, good luck

RG

 

That's a given my friend. Thank you so much for your input, opinion and advice, much appreciated as always.

 

Additional Comments:

Actually, if it was that important to me to have a child to carry-on my legacy, I would consider doing it much differently.

 

First, I would tell my wife what I would like and is important (knowing she can't provide this), and then go out and see if I could find a women that would bear my child and surrender all rights to me.

 

However, this isn't me, it is you, so, I would recommend it to you. I think this would be a much better option, and your wife might think it a grand idea and be quite supportive, you never know. And sounds like you have the financial means this could be done.

 

Yeah that's a great suggestion but doesn't work at all in my circumstances as my wife's medical problems make her incapable of helping care for the child at all so then it's all on me and what do I know about it? Almost nothing.

 

I know people have done this but to me it is clearly a moral issue to legally rip a child out of the arms of it's mother. She'd have to move in and boy that gets weird in a hurry.

[Guest Ou**or**n]

There are no forces stronger in the world than the bonds between parents and children. You have two lives - one before you have children, the other afterwards. No matter how much thought you give you simply cannot predict how either of you will feel in the future. You are looking on this child as an abstract legacy of immortality. The reality is that the birth of that child may forever change you in ways you cannot predict. If the woman is not yet a parent the same will apply to her.

 

As someone who has a child I could never live in the situation you are describing. Before I had children I might of thought I could.

 

Legacy, immortality - these are not just blood, they are those who know you. You and your legacy will die when all those who know you die. A genetic legacy without raising the child directly isn't a legacy or immortality.

 

Just some thoughts to a ponderously difficult decision in your life.

[CristyCurves 169032]

You've asked for opinions so here is mine-BAD IDEA!

1. If you have to ask others for advice you are questioning your own decision and in doing so your undecided, this is something you have to be very sure about. JMO

2. If she is young how do you know she will not change her mind and not want more from you ie: a relationship. Pregnacy can change a person and what they want and how they perceive things. Can a lawyer really guarantee or protect you from this happening.

3. If being a father is of importance to you why not consider adoption, then you could be a full time father, fatherhood it isn't all about passing on your genes. You can be loved and love someone as much that doesn't come from your loins.

4. Who is to say that during her pregnacy she may meet the "man" of her dreams and want him to be the father.

5. Who is to say she may change her mind and during pregnacy decide it wasn't a great idea and decide to abort or want to put the child up for adoption-not wanting you to be the father because of the client-sp thing, if this is how you've met her.

6. What if she marrys and her husband wants you to have no further contact and she agrees.

7. Remember a lawyer can arrange a contract I suppose between the two of you but in the end she will be the mother and her rights will usually prevail in court.

8. Just because someone wants something doesn't make it a good idea, nor does it because someone may be a good mother, or a good father.

9. Some of us are just not meant to be parents and we should face that fact.

10.Could you really just be an occansional father, a father from a distance, If the desire is so strong to pass on your genes then I would think the need to participate fulltime should be too, JMO.

 

Whatever you both decide I wish you happiness, luck and hope it is the right decision for you, her and the child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i

[backrubman 64800]

You are looking on this child as an abstract legacy of immortality.

 

Yes I am, just the same there is whole lot more thought gone into it than that selfish goal. Whereas it will happen (with or without my cooperation) I also look at it as an opportunity to make the world a better place in a small way.

 

I suppose for a time I though it irresponsible to being a child into this over populated world of 6,973,738,433 people but then whats a +1 to that number (rhetorical question of course).

 

Legacy, immortality - these are not just blood, they are those who know you. You and your legacy will die when all those who know you die. A genetic legacy without raising the child directly isn't a legacy or immortality.

 

You may be right. I was also thinking of it as a charitable contribution project with extremely personal meaning to me but certainly by no means limited to that.

 

Just some thoughts to a ponderously difficult decision in your life.

 

And so very helpful. Can't want to hear an option from a lady or two. Thanks again OutForFun.

[The General 11309]

Wife can't help in caretaking = hire a full time Nanny. There are options.

[LuxeMulvari 65764]

.............................................

[MightyPen 67414]

Good on you for asking the question and trying to examine a complicated issue from more than one side. I don't think that asking advice from others implies an insurmountable uncertainty or a clue by itself that you shouldn't proceed; instead it's evidence that you want as much information as possible before deciding.

 

Here's my honest opinion.

 

...it is our only version of immortality as likely someday my baby would make a baby...

 

Your premise is fundamentally flawed. Offspring don't give you immortality; you're going to die just as certainly once your time comes, whether you have kids or not. And even if you do simply thrust your genes into the next generation, the minimal contact in the arrangement you describe means you won't be able to mould the clay you've created into a person that even resembles you in temperament or philosophy. It will be a distant and incomprehensible stranger.

 

On "immortality" and the genetic view: remember that the child will have obtained only half its genes from you. And if the child has offspring those genes will swiftly be watered down repeatedly with each new generation until there's no more of you in the result than there is from the general population of all the rest of humanity. Whatever you try to do here, you are going to die and everything you are will be utterly, irretrievably lost when you do. Having this child will not change that. Humanity will carry on just the same whether you do this thing or not, utterly unaware of, and indifferent to, your genetic contribution.

 

Plus, the whole enterprise will be in the hands of this other person, not you. Regardless of what she says today, her plans and priorities for the future need have nothing to do with yours; once the deed is done, your dream may turn to bitter ashes once she ventures ahead into her own separate life, as does the child with her, both having virtually nothing to do with you. I don't think you'll get what you seek from this arrangement.

 

I think the most important and deeply human thing you've expressed is your strong desire to continue beyond your death, and some regret that you haven't had the children that seemed to hold that promise for you. Rather than enter into this dubious and radical arrangement, I encourage you in the gentlest and most understanding terms, to see a therapist and examine that issue more closely. Achieving that understanding of yourself will give more tangible rewards than hail-mary tossing your genes into the already over-full pool.

[roamingguy 300291]

Thanks RG. Really I have the same morals and values, feeling much the same way. However, the mother is going to do this, with or without my involvement and rightly or wrongly. If that wasn't the case I would never consider it. Now when we consider it will happen, I guess I feel I would contribute (financially) where others she would choose are not willing or able. So the outcome in this case is more favorable due to my involvement. I realize that is a rationalization only meant to justify what I am considering which may well be abhorrent.

 

 

 

Quite badly I would expect. Even if she understood (and she is very understanding) it would make her feel inadequate as she is clearly unable to do this for me. Yes, she may well find out someday if she survives me but then I won't be around. Perhaps there is even a way around that one, there goes that omnipotence again. I hope you will trust that I am really a good person of high moral standards and character, but at the same time I (like anybody else) am capable of extreme badness (usually in a good or at least just misdirected way).

 

 

 

 

Just so you know BRM I'm not considering your morals inferior to mine, far from it, more a case of if faced with the same moral/ethical dilemma I would chose an option different than yours. But there can be many different "correct" if you will, answers to moral/ethical dilemmas...there isn't always just one right answer. My answer is different than yours, but we can both be right in our answers...who knows. Nor do I think what you are considering abhorrent, not at all. And I do consider you based on our interactions on CERB a good person, with high moral standards and character.

I was tossing out another viewpoint.

And truly, I wish you the best in the decision.

RG

[backrubman 64800]

Your premise is fundamentally flawed. Offspring don't give you immortality; you're going to die just as certainly once your time comes, whether you have kids or not.

 

Thanks MightyPen. I've always found you a very difficult guy to debate with because I'll be dammed if you aren't almost always completely right!

 

On reflection I think I put too much emphasis on it being my genes and not my help.

 

Plus, the whole enterprise will be in the hands of this other person, not you. Regardless of what she says today, her plans and priorities for the future need have nothing to do with yours; once the deed is done, your dream may turn to bitter ashes once she ventures ahead into her own separate life, as does the child with her, both having virtually nothing to do with you. I don't think you'll get what you seek from this arrangement.

 

Too true. I guess I find it disturbing that the lady is so determined that this is the way it must be (and that it WILL be, with or without me), yet I see some movement in that she is offering regular updates, photos, occasional visitation all contingent on ongoing financial support, so whatever the outcome I just know my contribution (other than my genes) would make a difference she otherwise does not have access to. In fact our first conversation was with regard to being a sperm donor and nothing more, I would hate to see her go it completely alone.

 

The views and opinions expressed here have given me plenty of more ideas and will be of great assistance in my next discussion with her about this. As you can tell I'm not going to make a rash decision and maybe there is room for a little more movement.

 

If not, guess I'll just leave it up to the random, anonymous guy(s) in the bar as it is unlikely she will be successful with just one try. In this case she probably won't even know who the father is, sad indeed.

 

I admit that I am having trouble understanding why such an articulate, intelligent and educated lady would want to do it like this. But numerous conversations and emails have convinced me she absolutely will and is completely determined and unstoppable. Guess that is a missing piece of this puzzle I really need to find an understanding of.

[MightyPen 67414]

Thanks MightyPen. I've always found you a very difficult guy to debate with because I'll be dammed if you aren't almost always completely right!

 

Hey, thanks very much BR! Though this is a particularly delicate and complicated issue, so I'd lay no claim to being "right", just "convinced".

 

I admit that I am having trouble understanding why such an articulate, intelligent and educated lady would want to do it like this. But numerous conversations and emails have convinced me she absolutely will and is completely determined and unstoppable. Guess that is a missing piece of this puzzle I really need to find an understanding of.

 

Exactly this. My next piece of advice was going to be to turn the same attention to what exactly she is expecting from the experience of being a parent, and whether those expectations are realistic and likely to bring her joy, or a bit distorted and likely to disappoint her in the end. What does this act really mean to her, and why is she choosing to be a parent, and why in this "me vs the world" way? But I see you're already there, and that's great.

 

I read something the other day along the lines of "there's no greater harm you can do to a child than burdening it with being the sole focus of your existence". The poor thing is a human being who needs to be raised and released to its own independent life, not a flesh-and-bone band-aid for someone's existential crisis.

 

She might have perfectly good reasons, but there are some yellow flags there for me. And you would be inviting them into your own life, and ultimately your own hopes about offspring will be subject to them.

 

This thing might not be what you think it is, and it might not go at all as you'd hoped. And once done, it's there for the rest of your life.

[Guest Ou**or**n]

A bit of further thoughts...

 

If a single woman wants a child with no father here in Western society where she has the full power of consideration and decision making then so be it - it is her decision. I agree with MightyPen that it may not be correct on some levels but it is her decision to make.

 

If your interest is helping the world and leaving a legacy then go to a third world country, find a hospital and start a 'backrubman' trust fund that pays for essential medical care for those that can't afford it. Put the same money into it as you would for your legal fees, child support payments and post-secondary education payments for this first world child (that isn't your decision to have) and see how much further that money can go. You will literally save countless lives and by attaching your name to the fund (real name of course), you'll leave the world an honest legacy.

 

The more I read of both her and your motivations the more I think you're caught up in making a fast decision without the benefit of time. I know you are soliciting opinions here but your mind seems largely made up. The decision is emotional and that is never a good thing. I think if you had a month or two to truly think this whole thing through where the emotions would dissipate then you might see it in a different light. I sense you are pushed into this quickly which isn't the best way to make this kind of decision.

[A****y E*e 6175]

Wow, this is a hard decision! I am not a parent, but I do have a few gay and lesbian friends who have had to be creative in the ways they conceive children, and therefore a lot of their kids have ended up with birth-moms and spuncles who aren't regularly in their lives in the way a parent would be. I've seen a lot of beautiful and loving relationships develop between these people and the children they helped bring in to the world, so I definitely think it's possible to have this sort of arrangement and make it work!

I would say the key for people I know seems to be that going in, they don't have an expectation of ever being a father or mother, per se, but more look forward to being an uncle, close friend, godafther-type person and think they can be happy playing that role. I think if you can know that you might not be that involved in this child's life, but still be happy, then it might be a good idea, but if there's some part of you that's really hoping you'll get to be a really present father-figure, it might be really hard when you can't be.

 

I actually had a friend ask if I would be a surrogate for them and their partner in a few years (I'm still not sure!), but for me, the questions that I always come back to are "Do I think they'll love their kid and be a good parent?", "Will I be okay if I never develop a strong relationship with the kid?", and "Do I trust myself to be able to stick to some strong boundaries?".

 

Hope this helps!

xo Audrey

[Guest *ig*a**]

I understand your need and want to leave a legacy but it sounds like you have strong feelings for this young lady what I was wondering when and if you have this child how will that affect your current wife might this possibly jepoardize your current relationship. Just asking.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

A child is always more well adjusted when having a father figure in their life so while all of this sounds great in theory, get it in writing that you will have visitation rights.

 

And I'm not trying to come across as preachy when I say this especially when there are people out there who haven't had a father in their lives.

[Guest *Ste***cque**]

Hi BRM,

 

You're really creating a dilemma with your dilemma. As many have intimated already, this idea is fraught with "potentials"(good or bad) too numerous to list.

 

From reading your post you sound like a thoughtful and generous man, so remember, you don't need a biological link to make someone else's life less difficult. Helping others can be as rewarding as parenthood, if you feel something might be missing from you having an otherwise fulfilled life. Just a thought, and no, my hand is not out. :)

 

Also, I would politely suggest that while your wife may be willing to accept your daliances, purposely fathering a child without involving her in your decision would be wrong. It wasn't something Ahnolds wife, Maria, could forgive and I doubt any women could forgive?

 

Of course you are free to do whatever you want, but free will is also a double edged sword. Don't get cut!

 

My apologies, BRM, if I sounded blunt. Not my intention.

 

Steve

[roamingguy 300291]

Occurred to me, and I'm just asking here, and it may be something to consider in your decision. Did you offer/volunteer to the lady, or did the lady ask you. And if in the later case, well in both cases, well is she aware of your financial resources. Maybe there is an ulterior motive here, if she knows about your financial resources.

Not be skeptical, oh hell, yes a bit, but if you worked where I worked, skepticism and suspicion is part of the job description

Just a question and maybe something to keep in the back of your head

Again, good luck whatever you decide

RG