Can you ever be too nice or too helpful?

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

Here's something to add to this thread that i hear from people all the time... Having a family member taking advantage of your kindness? I've experienced this in the past as well and made it clear while I was there to help in need, I was not to be relied upon all the time. And then there are times you do things because they are your brothers or sisters and you feel you need to do it or you will feel the guilt trip coming on from all sides of your family. From the simple mundane things like "Drive your sister to school, pick me up, drop this off" ( What am I? A chauffeur service?) to "Can you lend me some money because I just got laid off?" and then wouldn't hear from them until they needed something again. I just stopped answering and it did cause a rift for sure. Even though they are family, it seems at times there can be little respect because they just assume you will be there.

[roamingguy 300292]

Here's something to add to this thread that i hear from people all the time... Having a family member taking advantage of your kindness? I've experienced this in the past and made it clear while I was there to help in need, I was not to be relied upon. And then there are times you do things because they are your brothers or sisters and you feel you need to do it or you will feel the guilt trip coming on from all sides of your family. Even though they are family, it seems at times there can be little respect because they just assume you will be there.

 

Nicolette, I definitely can relate. Now my mother is elderly so I'm called upon very frequently to go to her place to help out with things she can't do.

(it's one of the reasons I plan my encounters ahead of time, I can say don't voluntold me for this weekend, I have plans)...but in her case, well you only have one mother.

Now my brother and his family, they look for the cheap way, and plan based on me helping to subsidize them. For example, an upcoming family reunion they reserved a hotel room (pricey hotel btw) based on me staying with them (without them asking me first) to offset their cost. They weren't happy when I declined. But they do this all the time, and I don't like being taken financially (or otherwise) advantage of

RG

[Guest 9**A*****]

One of my 'ex' best friends is too nice, and it's a big part of why we're not great friends anymore.

 

I told her about something really, really awful someone had done to me. She, being 'nice', tried to make excuses for him. 'Maybe he meant to do...', 'maybe you took it the wrong way...', etc. When really, this man had tried to hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But she doesn't seem to have the ability to think wrong of someone, even if the result is that someone else (me) gets hurt by her way of thinking.

 

I think she's very naive and needs a wake-up call.

 

I don't think someone should be chastized for trying to do a good-deed. BUT, when presented with something bad, sometimes the right thing to do is to accept that someone did somehting bad, rather than try to make everything nice and peachy.

 

Sounds like she was being nice to the wrong person Cleo. Rather than listening to what you had to say, she chose denial over the feelings of a close friend.

[thedriver 6179]

I am also considered to be too nice by others. My supervisor has told me so. Said that I spent too much time trying to help others. Then some months later asked me to cancel a day off so that he could go golfing! Yes I am a sap.

 

I am often the one that people call when they need help or money or someone that will listen without judging and they know that I will not ask for a favour in return. I am still very old fashion and polite saying please and thank you, holding doors open, letting women into elevators before me, of course in todays society what does it get me? Nothing. People don't say thank you, they slam doors in your face and more men then women pile into elevators like people owe them the curtasy. Unfortunatly we live in a society where manners have been lost. It is all about "me, myself and I, and to hell with everyone else, get out of my way, I am important!"

 

I am a nice guy and that will never change. But some things have been modified. At work (federal government) I no longer give the benefit of the doubt. A person has to prove themselves to me before I will trust them and the higher thier position the stronger it applies. Burn me once and you are crossed off my books. There are no second chances.

 

In my personal life it is a bit of a different story. I forgive easily though I never forget. And yes I will still be there for them if they need me. I associate this with my low self esteem, "If they need me they will like me!"

 

Can people be too nice? In my opinion YES! Nice guys finnish last.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

A quote from Norm on Cheers "It's a dog eat dog world out there and i'm wearing Milkbone underwear!"

[Maverick 2873]

I try not to get angry because it's not healthy, but I don't go out of my way to be super-nice either. That would be lying to myself which would also be unhealthy. I prioritize my own life over the lives of others, but if I can be nice without hurting myself in any way I do so. I always interact with service people & strangers in a kind and understanding way, give up my seat to old people/children, help short people at the supermarket reach the high shelves, etc. I don't go out of my way to do favors though, and if people disrespect basic rules of decent human conduct, then my kindness towards them is replaced by complete apathy. I'm kind of weird but it works for me.

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

I too find myself questioning the very same. But you know, I am a nice person, polite, caring, always ready to lend a hand to anyone I can. Often time forgetting to look out for myself. like giving my last slice of bread, and then not able to make a sandwich for me...

There are those that are like vultures, they like to seize any oppurtunity no regard for others needs. They will always be there, the Trickster Coyote, but you know, This is me, who I am , and I need to be true to myself!

[frenchbrute 1090]

First off, it was a good idea for a post Meg. I honestly considered posting something to this regard a few weeks ago. I have often wondered, and sadly alot more lately, what it's worth to be a nice guy. It is always good to be polite to strangers or people you don't know just as friends or family. I have found lately that lots of people simply find it difficult or evevn avoid being genuinely nice to others. In my daily life I am responsible for dealing with akwward and often tense situations in the workplace. I unfortunately find myself being one of the only people present who not only maintains a certain level or calmness and decorum, but also who posessess the ability to remain smiling and telling jokes to ease the tense situation.

 

I find it quite sad, but the harsh reality is some people don't enjoy being happy and others simply aren't. I was once quoted the following by my boss: "Son, you cannot move forward in this world if your not willing to step on modies to move ahead and if you always put others before you like you tend to do then you'll never move ahead in life!". OUCH! by far thw worse thing any person has ever told me. Not only was he wrong, but I felt concerned for him as another person that he felt he should look at stepping on other people as a requirement for moving ahead in life.

 

Do I think people like that I am naturally nice or always smiling, yes. Do I think some people get pissed off when something goes wrong or something bad has happened and I still find a way to smile? Yes. Do I think some people can't take somebody who is just as peachy at 3am after working 72 hours straight than if it was 9am and they just had 12 hours sleep? Absolutely. But I am not about to change my demeanour or the person that I am because of my positive outlook on life or my wanting to focus more on the better things in my life rather than focus on the bad or negative things of life. Have I lost friends because they can't handle "nice all the time"? yes. Will I make more people upset in the future because of misunderstandings, jealousies, misconceotions...more thank likely. But when it comes to how I treat others, how I choose to portray your attitudes publicly, how I act in private or in public I cannot and WILL not subject myself to change because that is the definition of my character! It is who I am and what I represent so if somebody else can't handle it then that's unfortunate but too bad. So I would hope that more people such as Meg and others who have posted here continue to share there ideas as I believed I was unique in my thoughts of our society having an issue with being nice. Thanks for the post Meg.

[Phaedrus 209521]

I was once quoted the following by my boss: "Son, you cannot move forward in this world if your not willing to step on modies to move ahead and if you always put others before you like you tend to do then you'll never move ahead in life!". OUCH! by far thw worse thing any person has ever told me. Not only was he wrong, but I felt concerned for him as another person that he felt he should look at stepping on other people as a requirement for moving ahead in life.

 

Yes, that's pretty nasty. You should have reminded him that the problem with the rat race is that even if you win.... you're still a rat.

[Andee 220524]

I am only nice now if I want to be, not because others try to guilt me into it.

 

I used to be a hopeless people pleaser, putting others' needs before my own and then ending up hurting myself. The only thing I got to do was play victim and that didn't feel very good.

 

Now days, I a much more mellow. I can usually read people and tell if they have an agenda to wanting me to be nice or do things for them.

 

When I've had enough, my comeback line is "you obviously mistook my kindness for stupidity".

 

I try not to let it build to the point where I become resentful and angry because as Dear Abby used to say "no one can take advantage of you, without your permission".

 

Nice thread, Meg.

[Guest High***d****an-Can***]

I have also been accused to being "too nice" - my best friend told me this. And although I don't believe there is such a thing, I do believe that being "too nice" can blind you from reality. Perhaps I was also too nice and naive, but I found that being nice allowed a platform for people to take advantage of me and give excuses for their actions. A classic example: lending money to others with the intention that they'll pay you back, giving excuses when they don't, and still remaining their friend. My "niceness" sympathizes with their financial trouble, and therefore delays the money issue.

 

I understand your disenchantment with your fellow man, and although I don't believe you can be chastized for your niceness, there are people who believe kindness is weakness, and will not reciprocate, or who are just plain miserable. If you find yourself getting frustrated with these people, I think it's because you're expecting the niceness back, or at least some appreciation for it, and you're not getting it. At least, that's what I found within myself.

 

I enjoy being nice, but nowadays I'm more selective as to when I emit it. But I know that there's a bad girl inside of me that's dying to express herself, and it looks like it's in you too. And to be honest, I'm waiting for the day when I can unleash her lol, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[beaker 123]

Yes, I think that being too nice is a handicap because eventually you gonna get taken advantage of.

 

It should not be like this, but it is.

But the problem is not with people being to nice,

The problem is at the other end, with people that see it as a weakness and exploit your kindness.

 

I had many bad experience with that, but I will continue being super nice (it's in my DNA), and take the risk !

Because it feel good, to be nice. :icon_smile:

[JuliasUndies 7288]

I am one of those optimistic people who is ALWAYS nice no matter what. Sometimes it leads to people trying to take advantage of me (they aren't smart enough to succeed however) or to being shot down for doing a good deed.

 

Is it possible to be too nice? Should I expect to be chastized for attempting a good deed?

 

What are your views on nice people. Not naive people; genuinely nice people?

 

Unfortunately, I am finding out that more often than not it leads to disappointment and disillusionment in my fellow man. At this time in my life I refuse to change but the anger is surfacing much quicker and I am so tempted to lash out. Fortunately, the nice in me, disallows this for now.

 

Signed,

 

Hoping to not become a bitch!!!

 

MegForFun,

Too nice? Never! As long as you know your boundaries someone could never be too nice! If only this world had more human beings such as yourself the world would surely be a better place, thank God for you, because, I really believe kindness is more of a calling, a purpose and a way to life. Keep smiling you beautiful woman.

I help kids, they are always so grateful and sweet. Kids deserve all the help they can get. For others, I help if I can, never with money or a place to stay.. change a tire, shovel out their car..just good deeds..:)

[qwertyaccount 15793]

"The cure for the compulsive helper": http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/12/compulsive.helper.o/index.html

[Ace Drivers 134]

I think obviously this is easier to say than do...the world is full of nastiness, ignorance, and stupidity. We constantly bombarded with crap at every corner, between politician's lies, idiot drivers, constant tragedy in the world news...and poorly thought out bike lanes in downtown Ottawa! One wonders why the hell we even try...although I may be jaded, and certainly at times a grumpy gus...it doesn't change the fact that in everything I do...work, play, whatever...I try to be a reasonable human being, and a positive contributor to society.

 

And I think that's the key...no matter what life throws at you, never stop trying to be reasonable...just because some idiot just cut me off in the parking lot, and I'm spitting tacks mad, doesn't mean I won't open the door for a mother carrying a months worth of groceries while trying to manage three kids...I just may not say your welcome ; )

[har4chat 100]

Like everything else, its a question of balance. I'm considered a nice guy too, but not to a point where I'm being taken advantage of. Same goes with educating kids IMO, you can be nice with them, but too nice probably won't help them in the long run to get ready to live in our world.

I also find it being something social by country. In Canada, generally speaking, people are "nice". When the govt comes with a new unpopular measure, nice people just shut up and suck it up, while in other countries, they strike, riot, fight for their rights.

Not saying there is a right way or a wrong way, but being nice is certainly good, as long as there is a good balance and you're not the one being abused because there will always be other people who are not as nice as you are!!

[Reuben Sandwich 13841]

I find being nice is a good avenue to open a rapport with someone, however short, that can lead to further knowledge of each other. A simple gesture or deed with no expectation of personal gain is its' own reward.

If you want to assist people with more serious issues, you have to be able to judge your own ability of whether or not you are capable of helping and what the long term effects of that help may be.