The Happy Hobbyist

[emiafish 30979]

Our favourite provider has made the pages of TMZ.

 

http://www.tmz.com/2013/03/13/pope-francis-austin-powers-alotta-fagina/

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Old Dog this should be published!!n LOL...you have me on the ground rolling in laughter!!

[Meg O'Ryan 266444]

This is, by far, THE best thread ever! It deserves its own award!

[LeeRichards 177238]

Awesome thread OD ! A hilarious spin on the common sense ! Kudos

 

 

22. I suspect you may clone me. May I have my used condom?

 

Dude. Seriously? Do you have like a used condom hall of fame?

 

Guys, no one wants to store your jizz. Alotta Fagina does not have secret contacts with a mad scientist who pays her for your splooge. There is no secret conspiracy to place your spunk at the scene of a major crime.

 

Conspiracy theories are fun... now run back to your basement and get the foil helmet on lickety-split!!!

 

It can happen however ;) Shhh Shhhh www.zipit.com

 

 

[Eric Northman 16522]

Such a great thread. Definitely needs to be sticky. Heck, you should put them all in one list and make it into the FAQ.

 

Thanks for the laugh.

[Guest S**a*Q]

 

22. I suspect you may clone me. May I have my used condom?

 

Dude. Seriously? Do you have like a used condom hall of fame?

 

Guys, no one wants to store your jizz. Alotta Fagina does not have secret contacts with a mad scientist who pays her for your splooge. There is no secret conspiracy to place your spunk at the scene of a major crime.

 

Conspiracy theories are fun... now run back to your basement and get the foil helmet on lickety-split!!!

 

ohhhh.... there's more.

 

SHHHHHH!

 

You're giving away my secrets... How am I to create my army of minions if you tell them how I'm doing it.

 

--Stomps away--

[cat 262460]

11. Bacon Sandwiches.

 

Providers - you know it. Bacon sandwiches save lives. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but I think it definitely would be a pot sweetener if you had bacon sandwiches as a mandatory refreshment at your incall.

 

I like mine toasted with lettuce, tomato, mayo and a little salt and pepper. Cut into triangles, but you don't have to cut off the crusts. MegForFun cuts off the crusts for me but that is because she loves me.

 

Bacon sandwiches will improve your business and will put you that much further ahead than providers who only provide ham sandwiches or cheese sandwiches and much further ahead than providers who don't make any sandwiches. Bacon sandwiches just make good business sense.

 

wait there's more.... later ;)

 

Something just occurred to me while I was thinking about what to make for dinner. I love bacon sandwiches, I love making bacon sandwiches and do so with great care. I like eating them even more, naked spreading crumbs all over the sheets and licking the mayo off my fingers. Like Old Dog, I like the traditional wich with lettuce and tomato on lightly toasted bread with butter and Dukes mayonnaise. Sometimes I add cheese or a little sliced avacado when I am feeling a naughty and I gladly serve them when requested as all good providers do. Just remember for the guys that ask for a bacon sandwich after a play session, if your provider is capable of getting up and making it for you; you probably haven't earned it...

 

cat

[emiafish 30979]

Something just occurred to me while I was thinking about what to make for dinner. I love bacon sandwiches, I love making bacon sandwiches and do so with great care. I like eating them even more, naked spreading crumbs all over the sheets and licking the mayo off my fingers. Like Old Dog, I like the traditional wich with lettuce and tomato on lightly toasted bread with butter and Dukes mayonnaise.

 

Please, please try this variation on the traditional bacon sandwich. It was handed down to me by my Dad. Start with golden toasted white bread, immediately spread smooth peanut butter on both slices while still hot from the toaster, so that the PB melts on to the toast. Then add three or four strips of nearly crispy bacon (preferably still hot from the fry pan or microwave). Top with the second PB'd slice, cut in half and savour. Something magical happens when you combine peanut butter and bacon. Try it, then spread the word. Long live bacon!

[Phaedrus 209521]

Well, since we haven't heard from OD yet today, a contribution from me...

 

23. Face Pics

 

So, you've done your research. You've stumbled across Alotta Fagina's albums, and had a good look. She has awesome abs, beautiful buttocks, heavenly hair, luscious legs, and tantalizing titties. But... there's no pics of her face! And she won't send you any, even though you asked soooo nicely! And now she's pissed at you for even asking!

 

What's up with that? What's she hiding? Does she have especially luxuriant nose-hair? Could it be that Fagina is actually her married name, and she's actually Cyrano de Bergerac's less-good-looking sister? Perhaps she's a part-time clairvoyant, and all that stuff about the third eye isn't actually an over-used metaphor but IS REALLY TRUE?

 

Nope. Sorry. Rest assured that Alotta takes just as much care of everything above the neck as all the things below there that you've already admired so much. But... perhaps she has another job somewhere, and doesn't want her colleagues knowing of her current occupation. Perhaps she might want some other career in the future, and would prefer that her dalliances with you not come up in an interview. Perhaps the rest of the extended Fagina clan would look upon her with jaundiced eye if they knew. Or perhaps some of her friends may be less than understanding.

 

There are many good reasons why Alotta may find it prudent to maintain her public anonymity, for the moment. Perhaps she'll change her mind at some point; perhaps not. But that's her decision, to be made without pressure from you. And it's a BIG decision; once the cat's out of the bag, you never know where those pics are, or who's got them on a hard drive somewhere, or where they might re-surface at the most inopportune moment.

 

So, please: respect her choice to remain somewhat anonymous. If you want to see her face, book a meeting and all will be revealed soon enough.

[Nicolette Vaughn 294340]

I wasn't going to add to this thread but it is important. Please don't steal an sp's lingerie. The naughty maid outfit is gone. I went looking for it after a client left so I know who it is but seriously? If someone is that interested in having an outfit an sp wore, just ask!

 

Aside from the brillance and humorous responses in this thread, it would be a great compilation for a "How to Guide for New Hobbyists?" in the "New to This?" section. Thank-you Old Dog! :)

[Old Dog 179138]

24. Humanity

 

This is going to be a mushy one and to that end, it will stand alone.

 

You may have noticed that I use the phrase "I love you" when I speak to many of the providers on the board. This is not casual nor is it capricious; it is heartfelt and honest.

 

When you enter the hobby, you enter with the thought of fulfilling some carnal desires, pleasures of the flesh. As you begin to progress through there are natural bonds that are created. You enjoy the company of the women that you see because they are not just a vessel for your sexual voyage; they are warm, caring and magnificent human beings.

 

I want you to pay particular attention to those last three words. True, this is a service industry and the services provided are fantastic - but you do connect with a person - a magnificent human being that has offered a part of herself to you in a mutually gratifying situation.

 

I am a truly fortunate man. I have built bonds with providers and members here that have surpassed my wildest expectations. I don't go a single day without speaking to at least one person on this board to whom I have said, "I love you." These women may just be an hour or two of fancy to you, but to me they are the most beautiful people in my life... in fact, I might not be here writing this without them.

 

Indulge me, if you will.

 

On Labour Day weekend, 2012, I came home from work on the Friday evening and I wasn't feeling well. By Saturday morning I recognized that I was having a heart issue but having had issues in the past, I put it down to stress and a touch of angina. By Monday I wasn't any better. On Tuesday, a CERB member and a CERB provider came to my house and demanded that I go to emergency; they took me. I was admitted and indeed the stress and angina were a bit more serious than I had imagined. I had, in the preceding 3 days, a level 3 cardiac infarction. In layman's terms - I had a major heart attack.

 

Over the next week in hospital, I had daily visits from a number of providers and members who genuinely care about me. A CERB member left work early to come pick me up on the day of my discharge from hospital. At home, these same members and providers had filled my fridge, filled my prescriptions and helped lift my spirits during my period of recovery. They knew I was not in any financial shape to compensate them in monetary fashion; they did it because they are magnificent human beings.

 

I won't give you the names of these people. I wish I could, but that would be a bit of a disservice. They didn't do it for accolades or compensation, they did it because they cared for me... they love me and they know that I love them.

 

CERB is the ideal venue in that regard. The no-negativity foundation may be frustrating at times - but I will say this: You have no idea of how beautiful the members and providers here are. The physical beauty is a given - the beauty of the person behind that veneer is the hidden treasure on this board.

 

I am not ashamed to state publicly my love for my friends here. I will defend them with every fibre of my fabric. They are providers only by occupation but first and foremost, they are some of the most magnificent human beings that I have ever encountered. If I can only make one visceral statement here, one that comes from my gut... I ask, no... I demand that you treat my loved ones as you would treat your own.

 

 

I will be back... there is so much more to add!

[olderguy 5797]

MMMMM.... bacon.

 

Thanks Old Dog. This has been an extremely entertaining read, on this dreary winters day!!!

[Hastings56 1148]

Thanks much Old Dog!.... Perhaps you should change you're handle to "Wise Old Dog"

As a CERB newbie I truly appreciate your words of wisdom and just plain down to earth good old fashion honesty!

Cheers Mate!

[Gentleman11 10508]

Thanks OD for laughter filled session here reading all the way through this - As my father used to say "I haven't had as much fun since the day the pigs ate my brother". Seriously though, well done OD.

[Old Dog 179138]

25. The Incall.

 

You finally get your greatest wish. Today's the day you are seeing Alotta Fagina. Sweet Jeebus. You have abstained from fondling your manly bits for 26 hours in anticipation of this glorious event, beating your old record by ... umm... pretty much 26 hours. Man you love your wiener.

 

You have followed all posted rules and etiquette. You booked your appointment by her preferred method of contact, you have the envelope containing the exact amount for your encounter, you have groomed yourself, you smell good, you feel healthy... heck you even went to Alotta's website and purchased a gift card for her from her favourite vendor, Magical Walid's House of Middle Eastern Cheese. You are soooooo good to go. You arrive at the destination five minutes before your appointment and knock on her door at precisely 2:00 pm. You sir, are a rock star.

 

You enter her home. You are now stepping foot into Villa Fagina. It's beautiful. Tastefully decorated, the house is a testament to the woman that you have lusted after since joining CERB.

 

Uh oh. Nerves. You know what happens when the nerves hit. Pee pee. You must make a pee pee. Maintaining your suave demeanour, you saunter over to Alotta and say in your sexiest voice, "Alotta, my glamourous minx, purveyor of pleasures of the flesh, my near naked nymph. I gotta pee. Where's the potty?"

 

Alotta directs you to your destination. You enter the bathroom and come face to face with your personal demon. Her medicine cabinet. What to do. I KNEW I should have read that whole thread. If I open her cabinet, will I be struck down with penis cooties??? Good GODS... what would Old Dog do???

 

Empowered by his love for the super friends, a spectral image of Old Dog appears straight from his crystal cavern in the depths of downtown Ottawa:

You hear an awesomely wicked voice saying, "Open that cabinet and I will give you penis cooties. Use your head. Be a happy hobbyist. Respect her privacy. Oh... and remember to wash your hands really well and put that seat back down after you flush."

 

It's not rocket science. You are at her place of business for a very good reason. That reason is not to invade her privacy - follow her to her boudoir and be happy. Alotta Fagina has given you access to her sensuality, not her stuff.

 

26. Serial Texting

 

You want to see her. She is soooooooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooooo freakin' HAWT.

 

You have everything prepared. You think, "I'm gonna get laid tonight, I'm gonna get laid tonight." You do a happy dance. It's a little disconcerting. Even to you. You stop and vow never to repeat the "anticipating getting laid" dance again.

 

You see she accepts texts. So that's what you do.

 

You: Hey BB (1:39 pm)

Her: Oh, hi. (1:41 pm)

You: Hey BB (1:42 pm)

Her: Oh, Hi again. (1:44 pm)

You: Hey BB (1:45 pm)

Her: Ummm, Hi again, again. (1:49 pm)

You: Hey BB, yer pretty. (1:50 pm)

Her: Ummm thanks. (1:55 pm)

You: Yer pretty. I have a boner. (1:56 pm)

Her: Ummmmm, that's nice. Is there a point you are trying to make. (2:10 pm)

You: Yer pretty, I still have a boner. (2:11 pm)

Her: Okay. It's nice that that happens for you. Do I know you? (2:42 pm)

You: Hey BB. My boner is still there. You have nice boobs. (2:43 pm)

Her: I do have nice boobs. Thank you. (3:20 pm)

You: I lost my boner but got another one. I like your boobs alot. (3:21 pm)

Her: That's really, umm, nice of you to say. You know "alot" is actually two words. Was there something that you needed to ask? (4:12 pm)

You: I lost my second boner but got another one again. Yer HAWT. You have a great ass. (4:13 pm)

Her: Oh thanks again. Will you please stop sending me texts? (5:22 pm)

You: I have my fourth boner. (5:23 pm)

You: Why won't you ANSWER me? (5:28 pm)

You: You are a boner killer. Wait. It's okay. Number 5 just happened. Please answer. (5:33 pm)

You: Hey BB (5:38 pm)

You: Hey BB (5:43 pm)

You: Hey BB (5:51 pm)

You: Hey BB, my boner feels weird. (5:53 pm)

You: Hey BB, my boner just collapsed in on itself. (5:56 pm)

You: Hey BB, the cat just ate my boner. (5:58 pm)

You: Bitch, you ruined my life. (6:01 pm)

You: On the upside, I have a mangina now. I am going to steal all your business. (6:02 pm)

You: On the downside, my mangina is not feeling that great. I hate you. (6:03 pm)

You: Answer ME! (6:04 pm)

You: You used your super powers didn't you? (6:05 pm)

You: My tummy feels weird. Did you give me some kind of virus? (6:06 pm)

You: Dammit. All I want to do is listen the Celine Dion now. (6:07 pm)

You: You did this. (6:08pm)

You: I'm sorry (6:09 pm)

You: This is my last text to you. (6:10 pm)

You: No, this is my last text. (6:11 pm)

You: :(

 

There we have it. Serial texters get penis cooties and listen to Celine Dion. It's a true fact, as witnessed above.

[Eric Northman 16522]

Seems to be a multi-themed thread here so I believe it's not thread-jacking to recommend the double smoked bacon at Farm Boy. Daaaamn...I haven't had it in a sammich yet but I bet it would be killer. Got some for the pizza I'm making Sunday.

[MsManda 25662]

Thanks Old Dog for putting it all out there in a way that is hilarious, but right on the money! This should definitely be in the new to this section! :)

[Eric Northman 16522]

Handy 4 step method to tell if you're clean enough for your date.

 

1) Lick your finger.

2) Rub it around your bunghole.

3) Lick your finger again.

4) Does it taste like shit?

- Yes: Get in the shower and wash yo ass boy. You nasty! Go to step 1.

- No: You're ready!

 

:-D

[emiafish 30979]

Handy 4 step method to tell if you're clean enough for your date.

 

1) Lick your finger.

2) Rub it around your bunghole.

3) Lick your finger again.

4) Does it taste like shit?

- Yes: Get in the shower and wash yo ass boy. You nasty! Go to step 1.

- No: You're ready!

 

:-D

 

Add, clean hands, finger nails and mouth after the dip stick test!

[Eric Northman 16522]

Add, clean hands, finger nails and mouth after the dip stick test!

 

And shave them nuts son. Ain't nobody like sucking on no hairy shit.

[Old Dog 179138]

27. Alternatives to the Bacon Sandwich

 

I was insensitive. I forgot that many providers have religious convictions that may prevent them from providing bacon sandwiches at their incall locations.

 

Alternatives, well. Hmmm. Do you have a friend that might make bacon sandwiches that you could call? That'd work.

 

Steak sandwiches are nice. With caramelized onions and mushrooms, on a soft bun, meat cooked medium rare with a dollop of horseradish mayonnaise. I like that too. Not as much as bacon sandwiches, but if you make up for it by putting a little more effort on the plate, like a sprig of parsley and a few cherry tomatoes, it is almost as good.

 

Vegetarians. Hmmm. I never considered you either. Listen. If you have a friend that will make you bacon sandwiches and put it in a nice sealed thermal bag, I might just take that to go at the end of our encounter. Or you could make butter tarts. I like butter tarts. The butter tart to bacon sandwich equivalency ratio is approximately 12.8 to 1, but I would take an even dozen and call it a deal.

 

Vegans. You are going to make my life difficult. Anything in your fridge will probably make me feign a polite smile and rub my tummy indicating that I am already full. I don't believe that there is a vegan equivalent to any of the aforementioned sandwiches or buttery confections. You might want to consider a new profession... or.... you could offer duos with a bacon lady... that'd work! Just sayin'.

 

28. The Negotiator

 

You enter a restaurant. Your brain is like Rain Man. You know that you will only eat 84% of your hamburger, 67% of your fries, 92% of your coleslaw and drink 96 % of your coffee. Waste not, want not. You speak to the manager of your restaurant. You ask what the hamburger platter costs replete with a steaming cup of coffee. He quotes you a price, of $10.17, taxes in and excluding gratuity.

 

You balk. You counter offer at $7.82 including gratuity, insisting that the amount of time spent at the table will be less than 14 minutes if the service of the meal comes within 2.4 minutes of your arrival thus allowing the restaurant to serve more customers per hour. You ask to only be served 84% of a hamburger, 18 of the standard 27 french fries, 4.6 ounces of coleslaw and 7.68 ounces of coffee. This seems perfectly reasonable. To. You.

 

The manager politely asks you to leave. Now. GTFO. You get a bit snippy and threaten not to darken his door ever again. He raises an eyebrow, gives his head a slight nod indicating the direction of the door. You see that your negotiating skills have missed their mark on this savvy proprietor. You don't eat that day.

 

The same holds true in the provider world. When the pretty lady says that she offers 1 hour, 2 hour, 4 hour and 8 hour encounters with specific prices attached thereto, you should understand that those are the time allotments and prices that are NON negotiable. You can't get 84% of a BJ. This is a luxury service and frankly, you have an alternative - you can seek someone else with a cheaper rate and more suitable time frames BUT you have to understand. A Camaro is not a Ferrari. A Pinto is not a Benz. A Lada is not a Rolls Royce. You may end up at the same destination with all six, but you know that the ride won't be as smooth and certainly not as memorable.

 

29. I love you vs I LOVE YOU.

 

Alotta Fagina. Ohhhhhhhh my GOD. Alotta. Fagina.

 

I have seen her like ummmm.... 25 times in the past two months. She is my muse. She makes me happy. She fills my heart with joy. She is perfect. Good heavens.

 

I love her. No. I love bacon sandwiches. I LOVE HER. With all my heart. I LOVE her. She must love me. She must LOVE me. We have had sex like 25 times in the last two months. That's what... 24 more times than I had all of last year with my ex-girlfriend. Granted she was in a coma for 11 of those months, but that's semantics. I LOVE Alotta Fagina. She LOVES me.

 

We will move in together. We can have an island, small at first, like one that holds up the centre support of a train bridge but in time we will have an island in the Caribbean. When I win the lotto. I have a plan. I will make her the happiest woman on the face of the planet. She has made me the happiest man on the face of the planet.

 

<THWACK> WTF! I was expressing my true love, my undying affection. We are in love.

<THWACK> Okay, please stop that. I know you are jealous of our deep spiritual connection. You could not possibly understand how much we LOVE one another.

<THWACK> Now that hurt. Why did you use a baseball bat? I may have a contusion. Look, just look... you left a mark. How can I explain this to the epicentre of my universe, the apple of my eye... I know, I will say I was defending her honour. That will make her UBER love me even more than she ultra loves me now.

 

This is a dangerous game. You may have affection for providers and providers may have affection for us. That's a natural bond that comes with spending time together but never confuse love for LOVE. You have a paid relationship with a provider that is mutually beneficial, and over time that may make you much closer.

 

I am not saying that it's IMPOSSIBLE that LOVE will blossom, but the most basic principle is that you will find an amazing person to spend your time and money with... and that's the premise that you must keep in mind. Love your provider, respect your provider but when you feel the emotions welling up within you, take a break from your provider and take stock. It might be best for everyone!

 

... i'm sure that there will be more....

[hoffa68 939]

Thank you Old Dog for the awesome post. I'm a Newbie here and have been looking over some stuff. Your post was very helpful and more importantly entertaining.

[Old Dog 179138]

[IsaMassage 54318]

..., yo u have not even met yet.. The lovely Alotta Fagina..., maybe you have exchage some txts, had the chance to see her pics..., or chat on CERB live chat...

And you love Alotta Fagina, you start texting at odd hours, tell her you love her, you are inlove with her, want to marry her, .., you dont want to meet her at her job..., but you really really find her amazing, fun, gorgeous, etc... And you would like her to come for a drink, or luch, or anything, outside of work....

That is a NO NO NO NO NO NO! If was looking for a bf, I d be on a dating site!

Just because We are nice, like to chat, have friendly conversations doesnt mean we want dates outside of our work, and if that is the case... I am sure we will let you know... And most certainly would not be someone that we have not even yet met in person!

ANY SIMILARITIES WITH REALITY IS PURE COINCIDENCE ;-)

[Old Dog 179138]

30. The Outcall at your home

 

You have done it!!! You will no longer have to be master of your domain. Put that Kleenex box away. Today's the day you have finally saved for... you are going to meet Alotta Fagina and her new duo partner, Anita Dickens-Hyde (that's right, say it slowly...I'm a dirty freakin' genius!), at your swinging bachelor pad.

 

Best behaviour!!! Now. Eeeeeeek. Look at this place. Ummmm. Ewwwwww. What is that smell??? Gonna need to do some laundry. Yup. Your method of saving on laundry costs by wearing t-shirts and underwear for 4 days has a price (inside out, outside in, backwards and forwards... doesn't everyone do this???) Your place kinda smells like... ummmm... how do we put it politely???? Poo. Sweat. and dead animals. Charming. A fire... you could set the place on fire. No. Bad idea. How about you clean it??? You know those dusty bottles that your sister gave you 8 years ago when you got the place??? Use those.

 

The bedroom. It's not so bad. Okay. It looks like the bedroom of an 8 year old. The He-Man and the Masters of the Universe comforter set is quaint and charming BUT not so much on the sexy debonair suave side. You good sir are going to have to put some big boy clothes on and do some shopping. No. Chicks don't dig Transformers. You can't use that comforter set either. You know the colour of the paint on the walls?? Ask someone at the store to show you something without animated characters and sorta matches the decor. No. You can't buy the Gi Joe sheet set. No. Don't make me hit you.

 

While you are out... did you think of refreshments?? I know that you like chocolate milk and cherry Koolaid mixed together, but it's not everyone's taste. Try something ummmm kinda grown up. Wine maybe? For GODS sake don't pick the wine in the Transformers bottle. Yes, I know it's "neat." That bottle over there - see it? Yes, that one in the clear green glass bottle. I know you don't know anything about wine. Yes, I know you don't own a corkscrew. Okay. Just pick up a bottle of white and a bottle of red with twist tops. And over there... see that section over there that says coolers? Pick up a 4 pack that is kinda girly. I have no idea what they like. Okay. I know you don't either. Jeebus. You see the pink ones? Pick those up. Oh and pick up those wine glasses over there. I know you probably won't use them again. But the LADIES might.

 

Let's go to the grocery store now. I know you are excited. Settle down. No, you are too big to ride in the cart. I am only helping you. You need to push it yourself. Awww, don't pout. Are those, tears???? Okay you can ride in the cart. I will help you. See this?? This is bottled water. I know it's cheaper from the tap. I know you want to show the ladies your limited edition Star Wars glasses from 1983. Trust me, we will go with the bottled water. Oh hey... look at that. It's cheese and it doesn't come in a can!!! Let's do some of that. You don't have plates? Okay. Let's go to the deli... they have a cheese and crackers platter at a reasonable price. What do you mean you don't have napkins. Ohhhh... you use Cottonelle for everything. Not today. No sir, not today. I am guessing you don't have candles. Oh you do??? Lord of the Rings Hobbit Candles. Charming. Nothing sorta plain?? Okay let's forget the candles, the less they see of your place the better.

 

Gents... when you invite a provider to your home treat them with the respect they deserve. Clean. Yup. Clean. The bathroom, the bedroom, the living room and the kitchen. If you provide refreshments do so from a SEALED bottle opened in their presence. Make an effort. You make THEM bacon sandwiches!!! They are your guests!

 

31. Great Expectations

 

It's happened to all of us on BOTH sides of the equation. You have been speaking for weeks, have exchanged PMs, texts, calls... and today is the day that you are finally going to meet.

 

The door opens... and meh. It's certainly not unique to this world, it happens on dating sites all over. It's happened at high school reunions. It happens everywhere.

 

You have envisioned a mix of Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie/Sasha Grey and are met with ummmmm... not that. You are disappointed. You have built up the moment in your head, the dream date with Megangelisha... and are met with a pretty woman that isn't her.

 

What to do?

 

Step back. Take a moment. Take stock. You aren't Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum or Shemar Moore. You are just a guy. She is a pretty girl. Give your head a shake. She is going to touch your wiener. She is a pretty wiener touching girl. Not only that, she is the pretty wiener touching girl that has an amazing personality. She is a charming pretty wiener touching girl that smells really good. She is an aromatic charming pretty wiener touching girl wearing a beautiful negligee cut so low that you see her amazing boobies. She is an aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has just invited your into her home. She is a welcoming aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has just planted the most amazing kiss on your lips. She is a kissable welcoming aromatic near naked buxom charming pretty wiener touching girl that has changed your opinion. No longer meh. She's HAWT.

 

She isn't Megangelisha but then again you aren't Brachanmar. That's a good thing too, cuz neither of your fake names is frickin' pronounceable. What you are is.... together, at her place, at the appointed time, with the correct amount of money, with a couple of hours open, with a bottle of wine and possessing some degree of chemistry. A light goes on in your head. This is good. This is really good.

 

Of course then she kills you. You knocked on the wrong door. Had you followed the directions she gave you, you would have been alive BUT OHHHH NO.... you had to be the guy who doesn't need directions. Serves you right to be dead. You knocked on the door of the notorious negligee nympho killer. She's probably desecrating your corpse right now....

 

No, I'm just messing with ya. She didn't kill you. If she did, you wouldn't be reading this. You had a really good time. She rocked your world. Your wiener is kinda sore, but in a good way. You learned a valuable lesson.

 

Don't dismiss something that could be great. You built the rapport, follow through. Read the directions to her place. Don't knock on the wrong door. Beware of nearly nude nymphos with knives. If she is playing the theme from Psycho, run. Don't go swimming until an hour after you have eaten. Don't stick forks in live electrical outlets. If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it.

 

It's amazing being me. Bwahahahahahah