Caught red handed.. :(

[Sullivanman82 200]

Well everyone, my gf caught wind of my little hobby over the holidays. Not sure what to do.. advice is welcome. I don't know if this is the right place to post but everyone has been very supportive so far so I thought what the hell...

 

I am not sure what will happen but she says if I want to stay I have to tell her everything. Tbh I don't even remember it all so if we have met or we have chatted about a girl we both saw, please pm me. I would really appreciate it.

 

Was fun while it lasted. Thank you

[Studio 110 by Sophia 150333]

Well, first so sorry that you are faced with this, especially a sensitive time like the Holidays:(

 

The only thing I can suggest is to delicately explain how you were feeling at the time, that you needed to have some room to play, is a mistake once but if a hobby then you need to look closer into how "not to be caught" .

 

Not sure what "tell her everything" consists of. But would say to keep it low key, and be sure you show her that YOU LOVE HER, and only her. This is a lesson learned.

 

I hope you find peace with this one, Best of luck!

[Sullivanman82 200]

the thing is, I don't know why I crave this stuff. She is very open and willing to try new things and help me fulfil fantasies. I think that is why it hurt her so much... I am not 90 yrs old and with grown kids and bored lol. I definitely still love her and am attracted to her and find her fun, I just love all you ladies as well.

 

Can anyone relate?

[dunkinsailor 1220]

as someone who has been thru the "caught wringer" (not with an sp, but RL cheating decades ago), I may have a few insights.

 

The desire to go outside is a combo of evolution, biology, culture, and personal value set. There's sides of our sexuality we can only touch in the excitement of a different person than our SO.

 

But like a buffet, we can't eat everything without a bad hurt after. To get to some sort of resolution that brings you both to the closest win/win, my hunch is that you likely need to dig a lot more into why the craving is so strong. I saw a great therapist for a number of years after, which helped me bring out what I really wanted in life a lot more than I had wanted to dig earlier. I was afraid of knowing, but found it isn't the knowing that's dangerous; it's the choices that were hitting me like 2x4's.

 

More self-awareness helps me make more concious choices, and it becomes easier to give up $5 bills to get $10 ones in return. Or at least be ok with wanting toonies instead, cause they're just so shiny!

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[Guest c**io**m7]

Wow...this blows. My SO found out recently as well. If it's anything like my house...sorry to say but, you could be up for one hell of an unpleasant ride.

My thoughts are with you.

[Athos 108589]

Sorry you got busted. So now she wants to know everything. I understand that. I don't understand why you would tell her everything. You seem to actually want to dig up information about encounters you don't even remember. My goodness. She knows. You tell her it was two or three times, over a lengthy period, some of them before you met her, and that's the end of it. She either stays with you, or she doesn't. I have no idea how often you hobby, but if it is frequently it will hurt her far more than if it's only occasionally (or if she thinks it is occasionally).

 

From there, several things might happen. either she a) insists you give up the hobby or b) she accepts that this is, from time to time, something you will do. If b) you might be even be lucky enough to introduce her to a lady to share the experience with you. If a), however, you will have to decide whether you will stop, or whether you will get much better at hiding your activities.

 

Porthos

[dunkinsailor 1220]

reality check here: getting better at hiding activities is almost certainly doomed to fail. Like jumping higher in an attempt to fly - gravity has a way of reminding us. Us guys "don't get" the betrayal of trust. It may help to have a female perspective from a member to give insight on just how this works, and why it is so earth shattering.

[CristyCurves 169032]

reality check here: getting better at hiding activities is almost certainly doomed to fail. Like jumping higher in an attempt to fly - gravity has a way of reminding us. Us guys "don't get" the betrayal of trust. It may help to have a female perspective from a member to give insight on just how this works, and why it is so earth shattering.

 

I haven't been in a relationship where this has happened but if I were cheated on I wouldn't stay. But that's me. I'm rather "square" and old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I believe in monogamy and that the man should be the bread winner and the woman should stay at home and I believe in complete honesty in a relationship- no exceptions. If I'm not all he needs at any point I don't want to be with him.

Women are intuitive and quite frankly we know when something is not right, when you are stepping out. There are some who react, some who don't. Some leave, some put up with it, some want to work through it and forgive. It's devastating because you are turning to someone else for affection, sex, or for whatever you are seeking outside of your relationship. We, want to be the only one and some of us will blame ourselves for being the reason you're stepping out, even though we may not be. Women are often very hard on themselves, blaming their looks, figure or sexual prowess for not being enough, when in fact a lot of times none of these points are ever the reason.

I've often asked different men why they seek someone outside of their relationship and the common answer is usually they aren't getting what they need from their spouse or so, for some they just need many, a variety, others like the op, don't know why. But whether these were honest answers or not I'll never know.

This is one of the biggest reasons for my discomfort in this business, knowing that I'm enabling a cheating man. But I've been contradictory in a lot of aspects in my life. Perhaps I'm more gray than I realize.

No matter what we do, it is a choice, life is short and happiness is fleeting and needed. I say if doing something makes you happy then you need it, do it, and suffer the consequences. I guess what you have to ask yourself is -does this lifestyle make me happier than my spouse/so, or does my spouse/so make me happier. Can I have both, or can I survive, be happy without one or the other, that too is a choice. Best of luck.

[Athos 108589]

The whole question of cheaing and it's relationship to this business has been discussed many times. Married men make up a large percentage of the individuals who engage in this life style. So I am frequently amused by the judgements that seem to be expressed about the subject. Every person has different reasons why they hobby. Just as providers have different reasons why they do this, so do clients. Judgements should be left aside.

 

Having said that, there is no doubt that it is cheating, and that if caught it comes with a huge emotional cost. If you are married or in a relationship, (Unless you are lucky enough to be in an open relationship) the least you can do is be careful and cautious enough that your partner doesn't find out. I think you do owe your partner that much. and not to be critical of the OP, as things do happen that are unexpected/unanticipated, but it really isn't that hard to take precautions against being caught out. There are tons of posts on this subject and lots of good advice. I've been at this, with varying degrees of frequency, for over 15 years. I've never come even remotely close to being caught.

 

Porthos

[CristyCurves 169032]

The whole question of cheaing and it's relationship to this business has been discussed many times. Married men make up a large percentage of the individuals who engage in this life style. So I am frequently amused by the judgements that seem to be expressed about the subject. Every person has different reasons why they hobby. Just as providers have different reasons why they do this, so do clients. Judgements should be left aside.

 

 

Porthos

 

I hope my post didn't come across as judgemental. As it was intended to just explain my point of view and how I would react. Why or how someone does something is for them, but I am always curious as to why?

But if calling it cheating is deemed judgemental then I guess I am. But you have to call it what it is. That doesn't mean I'm judging you/him or her for doing it, quite honestly I don't care what anyone outside of my circle does. :)After all, if you vow to your spouse /so to only be with them and you aren't then.. If you said you may wander then you're not cheating. Why you do it really doesn't remove or change the action or give the action a different title.

We all do what we do for reasons that are our own, and our own business, but again, many of theses actions do have a name, liked or not.:)

[roamingguy 300291]

Well my quick two cents from a single guy. Tell her everything you remember without the details, and JMHO, don't research because you don't remember.

Just tell her what you remember...with this caveat. Ask yourself, do you want to continue in this lifestyle or do you want to save your relationship. If you know you are going to continue on in this lifestyle no matter what, let your SO know. No one knows anyone else's relationship but you shouldn't continue if you know it will hurt your SO and you wish to remain married. It really is your choice...this lifestyle or your relationship, and which is most important to you. But if you chose this lifestyle let your SO know so she can decide what she wants to do. Irrespective of your enjoyment of this lifestyle, she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore, and she is hurt.

Good Luck

RG

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

Christy has given us a womans perspective of what the OP has posted about being caught.

[Barney 2543]

I don't past judgement but the relationship is over, time to move on. In the past when I have been lied to its over, if you don't have honesty in a relationship, you don't have anything. Happy New Year To All !!!!

[Mikeyboy 27113]

One thing is certain now and that is that the relationship is forever changed. Carrying on with the hobby and just being more careful is not likely to be easy as she is on to you now. You will be under the microscope so to speak.

 

It's likely time to make a call about what the relationship is worth to you. If you choose to stay in it, (and no one can answer that question for you), I agree with those here who have said that you should tell only what you remember. No need to research and find every last detail. No good could come from it. Give as few details as needed to satisfy her need for understanding on the topic. Then try to move on.

 

Just some initial thoughts on the subject, from one who is not "yet" in the same boat as you.

[Athos 108589]

I hope my post didn't come across as judgemental. As it was intended to just explain my point of view and how I would react. Why or how someone does something is for them, but I am always curious as to why?

But if calling it cheating is deemed judgemental then I guess I am. But you have to call it what it is. That doesn't mean I'm judging you/him or her for doing it, quite honestly I don't care what anyone outside of my circle does. :)After all, if you vow to your spouse /so to only be with them and you aren't then.. If you said you may wander then you're not cheating. Why you do it really doesn't remove or change the action or give the action a different title.

We all do what we do for reasons that are our own, and our own business, but again, many of theses actions do have a name, liked or not.:)

 

It was a more general observation, and not necessarily in direct response to your post Cristy. ... My point is not to say it isn't cheating. It absolutely is. No denying that, and I've wouldn't even try to justify my hobbying on that basis. There has been a lot of discussion lately about removing the stigma from sex work. I absolutely agree with that. However, there is also a stigma around infidelity. And, it seems to me, that without infidelity there isn't nearly the demand for sex work. So yes, I cheat and I fully accept that. Should that be judged ... well perhaps in some quarters but not here.

 

Just my (friendly) .02

[Guest N***he**Ont**y]

It is all about perspective I guess. I have chosen the single lifestyle for now and I would'nt disclose it if I started another relationship because what is past is past and I won't inquire about how many lovers she might have had before we met.

[Guest p**h*x]

If you decide to work out the relationship, if she'll allow it that is, I don't think you need to give her an entire dossier on your activities. It will probably only create further resentment. I also hope you try to remain discrete on behalf of the SP's you have seen and not give up names of who you met. I'm sure the ladies you have visited don't want to be harassed by an angry gf.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

First and foremost, most of this falls squarely on you to figure out. You say you don't know why you hobby so you really should take a hard deep look and figure it out. Maybe there's something you're missing or that you need. Until you figure it out, you will always be stuck in the middle and unfulfilled and your GF will be paying some of the price. You need to have this answer before you can determine how much the relationship is worth.

 

I agree with non full disclosure, why hurt her more than she already is. This is a trust issue. Unfortunately one area of trust rolls into every area of trust, that's how it works which is why it ends up such a big deal.

 

I don't believe in the whole "cheater" mentality in some situations. I very much try not to judge and understand that there are situations where sometimes there isn't much choice. If an SO can't meet needs for whatever reason, I can completely understand how someone can turn to an SP to have their needs met so they don't go crazy and are better equipped to take care of an SO. I don't view them as a cheater because as people, we sacrifice too much of ourselves everyday. You can't shut off needs. We are human and have basic needs that go beyond food, shelter, water etc. Intimacy, touch, connection, sex. Society tries to exclude these factors which is why we tend to get into so much trouble.

[sawdust 422]

Hi. So sorry to hear your bad news. I think the best thing you can do is tell her the minimum and DO NOT change your story - ever!!!

Do not suddenly remember more details or add anything later. I've seen that and it was a huge mistake.

Biggest question is - do you want to stay with her and if so, are you willing to give this up? Ok 2 questions.

[dunkinsailor 1220]

been there, done that.

 

Your outcome is likely to be improved immeasurably if you can wade these waters together with a good relationship counsellor you're BOTH comfortable with.

 

Re: details - the hunger to know has less to do with knowing what happened, but why - and what questions about herself and you she has burning inside. She uses the details to try and piece together answers to her internal questions.

 

I'd suggest answering truthfully and with as much/little detail as she asks for. Be honest when you're not sure, and say so. If there's something you're not ready to divulge yet, say so, and ask if you can come back to it in a few days. If she'll agree to share her thoughts on what you say, repeat back what she says (to help her judge whether you really heard what she meant), and ask her to tell you more. Listen WITHOUT defending. It's learning time for both of you.

 

You may be surprised that, when this long road is behind you, BOTH of you love the idea of outside sexual exploration (or you might not). If you do, finding ways to explore it (often couples do so together) opens up new possibilities that don't destroy trust.

 

If you end up not seeing eye to eye, the loving thing for both of you is to find partners that share your core values.

[Midnite-Energies 110563]

Very well said...most of this boils down to her own mind chatter. What is she lacking, what did she do wrong, what doesn't she have that you want, what did she do wrong. These are all normal thoughts that can go racing through the brain

 

dunkinsailor has some good stuff in this last.

[fortunateone 156618]

Yes, she doesn't want the gritty details (altho assuming she knows it was sex workers, I am assuming she is stereotyping us all as disease infested drug addicts, so part of what she wants to know should include the safety aspect, and std testing on your part asap).

 

She is definitely not going to blame you as much as she will think she is lacking in some way and/or that the sps lured you in. Somehow women are ready to blame everyone but the guy who chose to do what he did.

 

Give info with little graphic detail. She's going to hear you got a bj from someone and think, well i always give you bjs, so why look elsewhere. The thing is, even with a steady supply of sex, some guys still look at porn and masturbate in the shower. Sometimes it is about being the recipient without having to also be a giver.

 

you don't have a lot of posts here on this site, so it may be possible to show her the posts as some insight to what goes on. I don't think it would hurt any SO to read a site like cerb, since it is pro sex and positive style postings, to get a better insight into the clients and sps who are in this in a mature way. people fear what they don't understand.

 

Will her acceptance and/or willingness to include sps into a 3some situation be an end goal, i think someone mentioned it, and i'd have to say that wouldn't be the point. You sought experiences away and apart from her, so including her isn't a solution. You have to decide if the real reason why you see sps is because you don't want to be in a relationship or if you do want to prioritize the relationship.

 

What your SO needs to know, and she should probably read this thread, but what she needs to know is that sps are not like affairs. There is no long term relationship that is risking her relationship with you unless one or both of you decide to make that so. There is no one else wanting you as an SO (no offense :) ) or trying to take you away from her. Once she realizes that this is a no risk situation, she can put that away.

[Guest c**io**m7]

I love the input from the ladies in this thread...it's amazing to hear from your side. Inadvertantly, you are helping me too.

 

As many know, not only did my SO find out, she actually was able to use technology to get my cerb credentials and read about curiousm7's escapades, in all their glorious details. Truthfully, it still pains me to know the hurt this caused. Leave out the details my friend, they cause more pain than good.

 

Yes, find the root cause. I did not know my root cause until it bit me in the ass one day. Turns out, even though I loved her, I learned I really didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her...sadly, I was not "in love". I did fall in love several months ago and, miraculously, my hobbying stopped. To this day, my desire to hobby is dead. Yes, I read the cerb posts and contribute but I don't feel the need to play anymore.

 

I once believed I came here because I was unsatisfied with my sex life...as it turns out, I was unsatisfied with my life.

 

To the OP, you need to look inside yourself to determine why you are here...we all have our own reasons. Chances are it is not something she is lacking but, more likely, something you are lacking. Make sure she knows this.

[redmana2 2754]

Yes, she doesn't want the gritty details (altho assuming she knows it was sex workers, I am assuming she is stereotyping us all as disease infested drug addicts, so part of what she wants to know should include the safety aspect, and std testing on your part asap).

 

Agreed. She is obviously providing you with a path to redemption by requesting full disclosure, but too much of the dirty details might just end up coming across as hurtful and tip the scales toward a breakup.

 

That being said I like the approach you are taking regarding being completely forthcoming. As I think Cristy said on a previous page, women are very intuitive when it comes to cheating and picking up on non-verbal cues. Much more so than men and by an order of magnitude. She's wise to this now, and she'll always be paying close attention. If you want this girl, I think you have to accept that you need to sacrifice your hobbying.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck.

[oldblueeyez 15475]

Invite her to join your hobby! ;-)

Seriously, you have to decide which lifestyle you value more. I like baching it and getting occasional jollies when blueballed. No life like it! :D I'm dabbling in civilian relationships but I just can't commit anymore.